Kirk Evelyn Van Houten[1] is the unemployed father of Milhouse and the re-married husband of Luann.
Biography[edit]
Kirk's middle name "Van" suggests he is of Dutch descent. Kirk is one of two sons to Grandma Van Houten and Grandpa Van Houten. He has a brother, Norbert Van Houten and is confirmed to be of Dutch descent whilst fighting with his brother.[2]
Early life and marriage[edit]
Kirk graduated from Gudger College. Whilst he was here, he was a star lacrosse player for his college's team, close to becoming professional. Before he could sign the contract, he broke his wrist high fiving the college's mascot, Sir Gudge-A-Lot, and he lost his chance to play professionally.[3] He worked at his father-in-law's cracker factory, Southern Cracker (the Dryyyyy Cracker), in middle management, but when Luann left him, he was fired from the factory. According to Luann, Kirk was not a very good provider, and she had to borrow money from her sister and steal clothes from the church donation box.[4]
After divorce[edit]
After the divorce, Kirk was a stereotypical middle-aged male loser and deadbeat father, with extreme emotional depression due to his divorce.[4] He had been seen with a few girlfriends since: Starla, a chainsmoking alcoholic who stole Kirk's car. Kirk was also seen holding hands with Edna Krabappel on a police department cruise.[5] Kirk also went on a date with Miss Hoover.[6] Luann got custody of Milhouse when they divorced, but Kirk had visiting rights. Much to his displeasure, Milhouse often addressed him as his "weekend dad". Kirk suffered from the need to cry all the time after his divorce, even in good times. He once cut his foot off to try and get his wife back.[7]
When he was falsely arrested for Bart's kidnap, Kirk had conjugal visits with Ruth Powers, Agnes Skinner, Miss Hoover, Lurleen Lumpkin, Cookie Kwan and Starla.[8]
After being fired from the Southern Cracker, he struggled to hold down a job. He was once employed as an assistant to the guy who puts fliers under people's windshield wipers.[9] Kirk also had a job standing on the curb holding a sign directing people to a condo development and worked as a scarecrow protecting a soy-bean crop, which resulted in his eye being gouged by a crow. Since being fired from the cracker company, Kirk seems to be unable to maintain a steady job. He atteneded Leavelle's Bodyguard Academy and he was also was a singer who sold his tapes from the trunk of his car. His song was titled "Can I Borrow A Feeling" and the album featured a picture of Kirk on the front in a robe, which he was using in an attempt to be a smoking jacket. He was also unemployed at some point, surviving on alimony payments and unemployment benefits.
He was once arrest for kidnapping. When Bart went to a concert his parents banned him from, he hides at Kirk's apartment which leads to his arrest. Despite liking the attraction from the ladies outside the prison, he is released when Alcatraaz, Lisa, and Principal Skinner found out Bart was lying.[8]
Remarriage to Luann[edit]
Kirk and Luann later remarried and while on honeymoon, were presumed dead. They were later found on a desert island when Milhouse's uncle Norbert's balloon crashed.
Non-canon[edit]
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The contents of this article or section are considered to be non-canon and therefore may not have actually happened or existed.
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Treehouse of Horrors[edit]
Kirk died when Homer became Death and touched him at a baseball match, killing him.[10]
The Simpsons: Tapped Out[edit]
Default[edit]
- This section is transcluded from The Simpsons: Tapped Out characters/Van Houtens. To edit it, please edit the transcluded page.
| Permanent Tasks
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| Task
|
Time
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Reward
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Requires
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Quest with the task
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Animated?
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| Go Skating
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10m
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 17,  5
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Simpsons' Skating Rink
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|
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| Eat at Krusty Burger
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30m
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40, 10
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Krusty Burger
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Weekend Dad Pt. 1
Weekend Dad Pt. 16
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| Borrow a Self Help Book
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60m
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70, 17
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Springfield Library
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Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 3
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| Give a Terrible Job Interview
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3h
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135, 35
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Van Brunt & Churchill Ad Agency
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|
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| Cry Sitting Down in the Shower
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4h
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175, 45
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Bachelor Arms
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Weekend Dad Pt. 2
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| Overpay for Sex on the Beach
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4h
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260, 70
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Smooches on the Beach
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|
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| Stay at the Swelldorado
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4h
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260, 70
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Swelldorado
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|
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| Get Career Hypnosis
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4h
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260, 70
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Master Hypnotist Tent
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|
|
| Try to Win at Blackjack
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4h
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175, 45
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$ Casino
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|
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| Enjoy a Night Without Kids
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4h
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175, 45
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Resort Hotel
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|
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| Spy on Kids
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4h
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260, 70
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Giant Ferris Wheel
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|
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| Attend Parenting Seminars
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4h
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260, 70
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Universal Panacea
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|
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| Establish Squatter's Rights
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4h
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175, 45
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Parasite House
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|
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| Run the Cracker Factory
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8h
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420, 105
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Cracker Factory
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|
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| Hand Out Fliers
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8h
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275, 70
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|
|
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| Dance the Señor Burns
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8h
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420, 105
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Chez Guevara
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|
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| Hire a Private Eye
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8h
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275, 70
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Private Investigator Office
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|
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| Advertise Condos
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12h
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420, 100
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Weekend Dad Pt. 8
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| Protect Crops
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16h
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500, 125
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Cletus's Farm
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Weekend Dad Pt. 9
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| Collect Unemployment Check
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24h
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600, 150
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Office of Unemployment
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Weekend Dad Pt. 15
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|
|
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Acorn Kirk[edit]
- This section is transcluded from The Simpsons: Tapped Out characters/Treehouse of Horror XXVI Adults. To edit it, please edit the transcluded page.
| Permanent Tasks
|
| Task
|
Time
|
Reward
|
Requires
|
Quest with the task
|
Animated?
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| Enjoy the Breeze
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60m
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105, 26
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Van Houten House
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|
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| Take a Bathroom Selfie
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4h
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260, 70
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Van Houten House
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|
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| Chase His Acorn
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8h
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420, 105
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Early Squirrel Gets the Nut Pt. 5
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| Pose for a Police Lineup
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12h
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420, 100
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Police Station
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|
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| Get Attacked By Squirrels
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24h
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1,000, 225
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Early Squirrel Gets the Nut Pt. 3
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|
|
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- His arm was once cut off by wire that Snake planted to kill Homer.[11]
Behind the Laughter[edit]
Foreign dubs[edit]
| Language
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Voice dubber
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 Čeština
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Milan Slepička
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Appearances[edit]
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Please improve the article, or discuss the issue on the talk page.
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References[edit]
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