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Hardly Kirk-Ing

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki


For the episode, see Hardly Kirk-ing.


Hardly Kirk-Ing
Tapped Out Quest Information
Level: 37
Update: Level 37
Required characters: Luann, Kirk
Previous quest(s): The Investorettes Pt. 4
Weekend Dad Pt. 16

Hardly Kirk-Ing is a premium questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Level 37 content update. It requires Luann to be obtained.

Dialogue[edit]

Pt. 1[edit]

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk Hey Luann! All my years of hard work finally paid off, by not paying off at all. I'm getting free checks from the government!
Kirk I'm even thinking about buying back my molars from that pawnshop. Do YOU get paid to do nothing?
Luann Basically, yes. Running a cracker factory is like being on unemployment, only with more money and fewer forms.
Kirk - Sad Oh man, I've got to fill out one form every two weeks. Why can't I win?
Luann Because you're a loser. You're the only man I know with a World's Second Best Dad mug.
Kirk Please give me back my job at the Cracker Factory. I'm not above begging. In fact, I'm well below it.
Luann So you want to come crawling back to crackers?
Luann Fine, I'll hire you Kirk. But you'll have to start at the beginning – as a cracker intern.
Task: "Make Luann Run the Cracker Factory". The job takes place at the Cracker Factory and takes 8 hours.
Task: "Make Kirk Work at the Cracker Factory". The job takes place at the Cracker Factory and takes 8 hours.
Kirk Long day at the factory. Turns out I only get two 15-minute breaks and both I'm required to spend working.
Kirk And I'm pretty sure half of the employees are pairs of children wearing giant trench coats.
Luann You better not report those kids – I mean stacked adults – to the government or else I'll have you fired.
Kirk - Angry I didn't think it was possible, but you've ruined the magic of crackers. You don't have to fire me -- I quit.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 2[edit]

After tapping on Luann's exclamation mark
Luann - Angry Kirk, if you want to stay a part of this family, you are going to have to get a real job.
Luann And I know what you're thinking, and that doesn't include organ donor.
Kirk I've been dedicating my time to the most important job there is – being a father.
Luann Where's Milhouse right now?
Kirk Trick question! That's not our son's name. Oh wait, it is. Fine, I'll get a job. Do you mind taking a look at my resume?
Luann Hmm...cleaning vomit, scaring away birds, groveling... actually I might have the perfect job for you.
Luann - Excited You can manage one of my Fleet-A-Pitas! Well, assistant manage. Actually just work there.
Kirk I'm in management!
Task: "Make Kirk Clean Up Fleet-A-Pitas". The job takes place at a Fleet-A-Pita and takes 16 hours.
Kirk - Angry I can't do this anymore. I can't pedal pita when in my heart I know it's just a soft, salt-less, un-American substitute cracker.
Kirk But how can I tell Luann that I want to quit?
Kirk Maybe I can fake my own death, convince Luann I'm a ghost and live in the crawl space.
Kirk Nah, she wouldn't fall for that a second time.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 3[edit]

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk Hey Homer, you seem to have it all together. Can I ask you for some advice?
Homer Never train a monkey to do your job for you because then you'll get a monkey boss. There you go! The first one's free.
Kirk Thanks Homer. But I was looking for some advice about my marriage.
Homer Never bring the monkey home. You're welcome!
Kirk - Sad Luann doesn't want me or need me.
Kirk - Sad She's better at everything than I am – running the factory, raising our son, even peeing standing up.
Homer Don't forget running the Cracker Factory.
Kirk I already said that one.
Homer She's just really good at it. Like so much better than you.
Kirk - Sad What am I going to do, Homer?
Homer Don't ask me. Marge handles all the relationship problems herself.
Homer Why don't you try a book? I've heard good things about them from Lisa.
Task: "Make Kirk Borrow a Self Help Book". The job takes place at the Springfield Library and takes 60 minutes.
Kirk Those self-help books really showed me the error of my ways.
Kirk It turns out the secret to a healthy relationship is appreciating your partner and buying more self-help books.
Homer Oh yeah, showing appreciation is important.
Homer For instance, Marge fixes me breakfast every morning. And I... uh... drink beer.
Kirk I should do something special for Luann! Are coupons for free hugs still a thing?
Homer This isn't your anniversary, Kirk. This calls for some serious romancing.
Homer You should take her out to dinner... and don't order anything that requires a bib.
Kirk That sounds expensive. How's an unemployed loser like me going to afford that?
Homer Think of it as an investment. Invest money in Luann now, and once she lets you back in the house--
Kirk I can steal money from her purse!
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 4[edit]

After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
Kirk Luann, we have to talk.
Luann - Angry What is it this time?
Kirk I know I've been a huge disappointment to you and that I don't deserve another chance but if you let me, I'd like to make it up to you.
Kirk Let me take you to the most expensive dinner in town.
Kirk It's where they make normal food look weird and taste almost exactly the same. El Chemistri!
Luann Is there a catch? How can you afford this?
Kirk The owner of the restaurant owes me a favor. I let him hit me with his car for fun.
Task: "Make Luann Dine at El Chemistri". The job takes place at El Chemistri and takes 4 hours.
Task: "Make Kirk Dine at El Chemistri". The job takes place at El Chemistri and takes 4 hours.
Luann Kirk, I-I am speechless, I really didn't expect something this thoughtful from you.
Luann I actually don't expect anything at all from you. Seriously ever.
Kirk I'm always here to support you in this marriage, Luann.
Kirk Emotionally, not financially. Just want to make that crystal clear.
Luann Oh, Kirk. I guess you'll do.
Kirk You have no idea how long I've waited to hear those words.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 5[edit]

After tapping on Luann's exclamation mark
Luann I've thought it over and I think I haven't been fair to you.
Luann As long as you're willing to do absolutely everything I say without question, then I'm willing to offer you your old management job back at the Cracker Factory.
Kirk The job I was born for! Being an empty suit!
Luann How about we carpool in the MegaGlobe today sweetheart? At least until I head to executive parking.
Task: "Make Luann Run the Cracker Factory". The job takes place at the Cracker Factory and takes 8 hours.
Task: "Make Kirk Run the Cracker Factory". The job takes place at the Cracker Factory and takes 8 hours.
Milhouse I'm so glad my parents are no longer fighting!
Milhouse At least for this week...
Quest reward: Cash.png200 and XP.png20