| Artie Ziff
Artwork of Artie Ziff by Matt Groening
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| Character Information
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Artie Ziff is a billionaire inventor and business owner.
Personality[edit]
Artie is very confident yet nerdy, self-centered and narcissistic, believing himself to be the best at everything - he said that it "would damage the town" if Marge told people about his "busy hands", and once imagined a can-can chorus and audience made up entirely of himself. He is Jewish, and once commented that if people don't like him it's because they're Anti-Semitic. He holds a deep obsession over Marge, and has done so since high school: His appearances mainly revolve around his plans to seduce her away from Homer, with the exception of his final encounter with the Simpson family.
Biography[edit]
High School[edit]
Artie was a student at Springfield High School. He was a member of the school Debate Team (where Homer mooned him for rebuttal), and at the end of the year took Marge to the prom. He ruined a wonderful evening with his "busy hands" in the back of his car, his urges resulting in the shoulder strap of Marge's dress being torn, followed by a slap to the face and a swift end to their date. He drove Marge home.[1]
Many years later, Artie was revealed to have become a software billionaire, becoming the fifth richest man in the country. His wealth came from a device that transformed modem noise into easy listening music. Despite his riches, Artie's life was not complete: He lived alone, and the collection of Marge-resembling art around his mansion showed that he never got over Marge's rejecting him on prom night.
Artie claimed that he would offer a small fortune for a weekend with his childhood love, Marge, in a parody of the movie Indecent Proposal. She accepted, as the money would come in handy, and he seemed harmless. He managed to trick Marge into kissing him at a full recreation of their high school prom (including most of the original guests), which Homer witnessed. She slapped Artie and left. After a fruitless search for Homer, who left believing that they were having an affair, she enlisted Artie's help, using his helicopter to find Homer and bring him home. When they found him, Artie finally admitted defeat to Homer, saying that winning Marge's love was something that he could never accomplish, even with his billions.[2]
Ziffcorp[edit]
Some time later, the Simpsons discovered that Artie was living in their attic. He revealed that he ran his company, Ziffcorp, into the ground spending investors' money on such extravagant items such as solid gold underpants. He was left penniless when the "dot-com bubble" burst, and secretly moved into the Simpson home to avoid capture. Homer won 98% of the company from Ziff in a game of poker; seconds later, SEC agents came to take Ziff, but they took Homer into custody instead (as he had just become the majority shareholder).[3]
When Artie Ziff finally turned himself in, one of his first acts upon arriving in prison was to begin extinguishing other prisoners' cigarettes with a squirt bottle—for the benefit of their health, whether they wanted it or not. Marge told the children to take a good look at Artie, as his actions dramatically lowered his chances of survival. The family's last view of Artie was of him continuing to squirt other prisoners' cigarettes while an ever-growing angry mob advanced on him.[3]
Release and later history[edit]
Artie survived the prison yard encounter and was eventually released from prison. He later revealed that he had negotiated an early release by ratting out other CEOs for their crimes, and regained his fortune when they paid him off to keep him quiet.[4]
His name was seen on a list of Springfieldians taking revenge on Mr. Burns.[5]
Artie eventually got his fortune back after he invented logs that looked like money, which he called "Money to Burn".
Later, Artie invited Homer and Marge to attend his wedding. When they arrived, Homer was asked to walk the bride down the aisle as she didn't have anyone to do so. When the bride took off her veil, she was revealed to look exactly like Marge. After the wedding, Homer and Marge confronted Artie and his wife only to find that the Marge Artie married was a robot, and that Artie had made several other Marge robots. Artie wanted to make Marge realize how perfect she would be with Artie by planning a fake wedding to a copy of Marge, but it failed. Marge then told Artie that he could use his brain to help people rather than try and win her heart.[6]
Non-canon[edit]
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The contents of this article or section are considered to be non-canon and therefore may not have actually happened or existed.
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When Marge decided to break up with Homer, Lisa found a talking picture of Artie telling Marge that it was good that she finally left Homer and that he had finally learned how to unhook a bra with one hand.[7]
The Simpsons: Tapped Out[edit]
Artie Ziff[edit]
- This section is transcluded from The Simpsons: Tapped Out characters/More Business Owners. To edit it, please edit the transcluded page.
| Artie Ziff
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| Image
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Cost
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Unlock method
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Unlock message
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 137,500
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Level 45, ZiffCorp Sign
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 1
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| Permanent Tasks
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| Task
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Time
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Reward
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Requires
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Quest with the task
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Animated?
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| Go Skating
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10m
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17,  5
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Simpsons' Skating Rink
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| Practice his Tennis Serving Skills
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60m
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70, 17
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Indoor Tennis Courts
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Burning the Midnight Oil
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| Burn the Midnight Oil
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4h
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175, 45
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ZiffCorp Office Building
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| Overpay for Sex on the Beach
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4h
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260, 70
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Smooches on the Beach
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|
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| Stay at the Swelldorado
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4h
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260, 70
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Swelldorado
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|
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| Try to Win at Blackjack
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4h
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175, 45
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$ Casino
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|
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| Drink and Babysit
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4h
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175, 45
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The Boiled Potato
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|
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| Attend Parenting Seminars
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4h
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260, 70
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Universal Panacea
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|
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| Have a Glass of Soy Milk at Moe's
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8h
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275, 70
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Moe's Tavern
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The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 2
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| Dance the Señor Burns
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8h
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420, 105
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Chez Guevara
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|
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| Spy on Everyone
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12h
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420, 100
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The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 3
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| Jury Duty
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24h
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600, 150
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Court House
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|
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| Propose to Marge
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24h
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1,200, 300
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Marge
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The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 4
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Young Artie Ziff[edit]
- This section is transcluded from The Simpsons: Tapped Out characters/A Simpsons Christmas Special. To edit it, please edit the transcluded page.
| Permanent Tasks
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| Task
|
Time
|
Reward
|
Requires
|
Quest with the task
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Animated?
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| Go Skating
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10m
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26, 7
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Simpsons' Skating Rink
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| Eat Lunch With His Teachers
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60m
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105, 26
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Springfield High School or
Springfield Library or
Brown House
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|
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| Overpay for Sex on the Beach
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4h
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260, 70
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Smooches on the Beach
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|
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| Stay at the Swelldorado
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4h
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260, 70
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Swelldorado
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|
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| Try to Win at Blackjack
|
4h
|
260, 70
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$ Casino
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|
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| Drink and Babysit
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4h
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260, 70
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The Boiled Potato
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|
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| Be Creatively Creepy
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4h
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260, 70
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Marge Sculpture Garden
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Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 3
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| Attend Parenting Seminars
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4h
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260, 70
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Universal Panacea
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|
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| Dance the Señor Burns
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8h
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420, 105
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Chez Guevara
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|
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| Dominate at Debate
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8h
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420, 105
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Springfield High School or
Brown House
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Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 4
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| Go Bird Watching
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12h
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600, 150
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Shop or
Eatery
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|
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| Dance Like Marge is Watching
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24h
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1,000, 225
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Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 5
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Behind the Laughter[edit]
Appearances[edit]
References[edit]
| Factfiles from Simpsons World the Ultimate Episode Guide: Seasons 1-20
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| Season 14
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| Rock Stars • Audrey McConnell, Third Grade Teacher • Dr. Velimirovic, Plastic Surgeon • Mitch Hartwell, the Reality Channel Producer • Junior (AKA Frank Grimes, Jr.) • Teacher of the Year Award Nominating Committee • Dexter Colt, Private Eye • The Mugger • Larry H. Lawyer, Jr. • Baby Stink-Breath • Booberella • Sara Sloane, Hollywood Movie Star • Cookie Kwan, Red Coat Realtor • Stark Richdale • Declan Desmond • Julio and Grady • Luke Stetson, Junior Wrangler • Suds McDuff, Spokesdog/Mascot for Duff Beer • Marriage Counselor • Jim Proudfoot • Don Castellaneta
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175
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