- "Marge's old prom date Artie Ziff returns to Springfield, having lost his money and his Internet business, and asks to stay with the Simpsons until he gets back on his feet. What Artie doesn't tell them is that he's also a fugitive from justice, sought by the SEC for cheating his stockholders."
Homer takes Bart, Lisa, and Rod and Todd Flanders to see the movie The Re-Deadening, when every kid-friendly movie at the theatre is sold out and they meet Lenny Leonard at the ticket booth and learn he has a speaking part in the movie. As a result, Bart and Lisa are scared when they go to bed and then they hear a noise from the attic. Lisa and Bart search the attic for the source of the noise, but they get scared again and run back down the ladder. Homer and Marge go up the ladder to investigate, and find Marge's high-school prom date, Artie Ziff, living there.
Artie explains that he has been living in the attic due to the failure of his Internet business, ZiffCorp, and lost all his money after spending it on many extravagant items which then were repossessed. Artie then went to the Simpson home because he believed that Marge was the closest thing to him, despite the prom incident where Artie got fresh with Marge and she slapped him. Artie asks the Simpsons if he can stay in their house until he gets back on his feet, and promises that he will be on his best behavior. Reluctantly, they agree to let him stay.
Marge sees on the news that the SEC is looking for Artie due to some shady goings-on involving ZiffCorp and its stock. Meanwhile, Artie is playing poker with Homer and his friends. Homer wins the hand, beating Artie's flush with four jacks, and wins 98% of ZiffCorp's outstanding stock (and Artie's peanuts). SEC agents then burst in to arrest Artie, but Homer says he owns 230 million shares of ZiffCorp, making him the majority stockholder. To protect himself, Artie sets Homer up to take the blame. Homer, instead of Artie, is arrested by the SEC and put on trial.
At his trial, Homer succeeds in making a complete ass of himself, and, due to his failure to understand the Fifth Amendment, eliminates the possibility of pleading the Fifth, thus severely weakening his legal defense. Marge blames Artie for Homer's being on trial and proceeds to chew him out, telling Artie that this is the reason why nobody likes him, because he only thinks of himself. Homer is then found guilty and sentenced to ten years in prison.
After Homer is sentenced, Marge kicks Artie out of the house, telling him that she never wants to see him again. Artie goes to Moe's Tavern and encounters Patty and Selma at the bar. It turns out that Selma originally had a crush on him in 1974. After Artie mentions that he put Homer in prison, Selma invites him over to their apartment. As they spend the night together, Artie has a change of heart and decides to turn over his corporate books to the SEC in order to show that he is the real criminal. Artie turns himself in, Homer is released, and Artie is sent to prison. As he enters the prison yard, the family takes one last look at their "Uncle Artie", who is annoying prisoners by putting out their cigarettes with a squirt bottle.