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The Way I Wish We Was

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The Way I Wish We Was
Tapped Out Quest Information
Level: 44
Update: Level 45
Required characters: Patty, Marge, Homer, Artie Ziff, Moe
Optional characters: Normal Springfielders
Previous quest(s): Bloatation Device
Next quest(s): Burning the Midnight Oil
Easy A Pt. 1

The Way I Wish We Was is a questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Level 45 content update. It unlocks Artie Ziff, the ZiffCorp Sign, the Indoor Tennis Courts, and the ZiffCorp Office Building.


Pt. 1[edit]

After tapping on Patty's exclamation mark
Patty Why the frown, Selma?
Patty This better be because we were ousted from the MacGyver Fan Club for indecency, and not man problems again!
Selma - Sad My boyfriend got an electrolarynx and now says he's too good for me.
Patty - Angry For God's sake, Selma – there're plenty of handsome men in the sea.
Patty Desperate, lonely, ugly, handsome men.
Selma Look at the facts, Patty. We're past 44 and still alone.
Selma - Sad‎ Even my green card marriage fell apart – how am I supposed to compete with Haiti?
Patty I have a feeling 45 will take us to a whole new level.
Patty And that level is rock bottom, with hunks like Artie Ziff.
Selma You mean the guy who's crazy about Marge?
Patty A desperation only a loving sister can take advantage of.
Task: "Place the ZiffCorp Sign".
Place: ZiffCorp Sign
New Character: Artie Ziff
Selma Well, look who the cat spit up! Me-*cough*-ow.
Artie Ziff Who's there?
Artie Ziff As the former Treasurer of the Billionaire Club, until it disbanded over mysteriously vanished funds, I demand to know who that is.
Selma - Happy It's your dream date...'s sister.
Selma And you are going to take me out to dinner.
Artie Ziff I would gladly settle for you for the evening, but I appear to have returned from limbo a bit cash poor...
Artie Ziff - Sad ...the worst kind of poor there is.
Artie Ziff But if you float me I promise I'll pay you back in unconstructive criticism.
Selma Sorry, Artie, I can take sleazy and selfish, but not sleazy, selfish and broke. I have standards.
Artie Ziff - Confused Wait... You? Selma? You're turning ME down?
Message Complete Artie's Quests to regain ZiffCorp Office Building and his flagging confidence.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 2[edit]

After tapping on Marge's exclamation mark
Marge - Sad‎ Oh no... Artie!
Marge - Sad Don't take this the wrong way...
Marge - Sad ...but you're the last person I ever wanted to see again.
Artie Ziff If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me, I'd still be rich!
Artie Ziff But don't worry your corn cob shaped head, I'm just here for a helping hand...
Artie Ziff ...in marriage?
Artie Ziff - Happy‎ Kidding!
Artie Ziff Just a helping hand. No funny business...
Artie Ziff ...unless you like a man who's funny.
Artie Ziff - Happy‎ Kidding again!
Artie Ziff Just the help.
Homer Maybe I can help you.
Marge - Surprised‎ Homer! Really?
Homer It's so rare to help someone worse off than me.
Homer - Thoughtful‎ I'm always the bottom left of New York Magazine's Approval Matrix.
Homer - Sad‎ Every week!
Artie Ziff I humbly accept your offer of help, Homer. You clearly are the bigger man.
Homer - Angry I offer you help and you insult my weight. How dare you!
Lisa - Deadpan He means that as a compliment, Dad.
Homer - Serious‎ In that case, let's do the manliest thing I know -
Homer - Happy Destroy our livers!
Task: "Make Homer Drink at Moe's". The job takes place at Moe's Tavern and takes 8 hours.
Task: "Make Artie Have a Glass of Soy Milk at Moe's". The job takes place at Moe's Tavern and takes 8 hours.
Task: "Make Moe Serve Drinks". The job takes place at Moe's Tavern and takes 8 hours.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 3[edit]

After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark
Homer Now that you have some Liquid Courage, and I've had some alcohol, let's find you a date!
Homer First, you'll need a wingman, one who is both uglier than you and less attractive.
Homer - Sarcastic Lucky for us, we have Moe.
Moe - Sad I know it, but it still hurts.
Artie Ziff What exactly does being a wingman entail?
Moe For starters, I can help you collect intel on the prey...
Moe - Worried‎ ...I mean victim...
Moe - Worried‎ ...I mean woman...
Moe ...I mean object.
Moe Then you can use that information to manipulate her!
Artie Ziff - Confused‎ And all this time I've been foolishly selling personal information to the government, when I could have been using it to get dates?
Task: "Make Moe Spy on Midge". The job takes place at Shrubs and takes 12 hours.
Task: "Make Artie Spy on Everyone". The job takes place at Shrubs and takes 12 hours.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 4[edit]

After tapping on Artie Ziff's exclamation mark
Artie Ziff Marge, it is my professional opinion as an amateur opinion giver that everything wrong in your life is because of that sub-human drunk Homer Simpson!
Marge - Angry My husband offered to help you and this is how you repay him?
Artie Ziff This is new Springfield!
Artie Ziff It's a vast multi-dimensional universe where the currency is trans-fat based. Everything's changing!
Artie Ziff Give me a chance, Marge, and I can vastly improve your quality of life!
Marge - Angry Ok Artie, what do you propose?
Artie Ziff - Happy Margery Bouvier! I thought you'd never ask!
Task: "Make Artie Propose to Marge". The job requires Marge and takes 24 hours.
Marge - Angry‎ Artie, no means no.
Marge - Sad‎ I wish you would respect me when I say that.
Artie Ziff Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is ignore a woman's wishes and tell her what she really wants.
Artie Ziff You're looking at the new Artie! One that looks, talks, and acts like the old one.
Marge - Angry‎ If you think you're a better man, Artie, don't prove it to me – prove it to yourself!
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 5[edit]

After tapping on Artie Ziff's exclamation mark
Artie Ziff Marge is playing hard to get once again!
Artie Ziff But if I know Marge, and for some reason I believe I do, the one thing that impresses her above all else is...
Artie Ziff - Happy MONEY!
Artie Ziff Time to reclaim my crown as the most successful, narcissistic idiot in Springfield's business universe.
Artie Ziff Watch out, Krusty!
Artie Ziff And Mr. Burns!
Artie Ziff And Duffman!
Artie Ziff And Kent Brockman!
Artie Ziff Geez, I didn't realize there were so many rich idiots in--
Moe - Angry‎ Keep your monologue to yourself, buddy. This bar is here to forget your problems, not solve them.
Artie Ziff Sorry Moe, I have this bad habit of thinking out loud. I suppose I can't quite get enough of the delightful sound of my own voice.
Task: "Make Artie Form Business Connections". The job takes place at Moe's Tavern and takes 12 hours.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 6[edit]

After tapping on Artie Ziff's exclamation mark
Artie Ziff Moe, I came to you first with an exciting business opportunity.
Moe The last time I fell for that line I bought an Indian graveyard.
Moe - Worried Err, I mean, an empty plot of land.
Native American Spirit You said you would honor our spirit, Moe.
Moe And you believed me, Chief Gullible Panther.
Artie Ziff Moe, you've proven yourself a man with loose morals and that's exactly who I want to be in business with.
Artie Ziff Buy some shares of ZiffCorp and don't ask too many questions, and I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Moe I don't know – I've got some pretty wild dreams.
Moe In one, I got wheels for feet.
Task: "Make Springfielders Invest in ZiffCorp". The jobs take place at Moe's Tavern and take 4 hours.
Lenny Hey, Carl, do you think we made a mistake investing our life savings into this stock?
Carl No, Artie said he was coming to us first. And we can trust him -- he was wearing a suit.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 7[edit]

After tapping on Lenny's exclamation mark
Carl ZiffCorp was ranked the number one stock to buy in 2014 by Hickory Dickory Stock, the magazine for child economists.
Carl If it's good enough for America's youth, then it's good enough for me.
Lenny It's logic like that that makes me feel better about investing so much in a company I know so little about.
Carl And here's another article on ZiffCorp in Ferdinand the Bull Market, the magazine for child bankers.
Carl Huh. Turns out ZiffCorp's borrowing our shares, short-selling them, and then repurchasing and returning them to us at a later date.
Lenny That seems a little shady and not to our benefit. Should we be worried?
Carl My financial advisor says there is nothing to be worried about. We'll be millionaires by nap time.
Task: "Make Artie Short Sell ZiffCorp Stock". The job takes place at the Java Server and takes 24 hours.
The Rich Texan Yeehaw! I just bought me a majority share of the hottest company in 'Murica! I feel like dancin'.
Artie Ziff - Angry Please stop shooting your own feet! We're on the second floor.
The Rich Texan Well, how do you dance if you aren't shooting at your feet to make 'em move?
Artie Ziff In my culture, we sit down in chairs and make other people pick them up and dance for us.
If The Rich Texan is not owned
Message See what The Rich Texan is up to at the end of the quest line. Find him in the store.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 8[edit]

After tapping on Artie Ziff's exclamation mark
Artie Ziff - Sad I know how unorthodox it is to call a board of directors meeting in the middle of the streets, but I need to tell you all something and I wanted to do it in a place where I can easily escape.
Artie Ziff - Sad ZiffCorp is filing for bankruptcy.
Carl - Surprised What about the articles in Mother Goose's 'Lullabye and Sell' about ZiffCorp's massive profits? Was that all just a fantasy?
Artie Ziff No, not a fantasy.
Artie Ziff A lie! That was a lie!
Artie Ziff I think it's technically called investor fraud.
Lenny - Surprised‎ But what about us?
Artie Ziff You will lose all your investments.
Artie Ziff But don't worry, there's a silver lining...
Lenny Oh good, cause that all sounded really bad. What is it?
Artie Ziff You didn't let me finish. A silver lining on my new tennis court.
Artie Ziff Not quite regulation, but I love the way my ruby-crusted tennis balls clang off it.
Task: "Build Indoor Tennis Courts". It takes 4 hours.
Task: "Make Artie File for Bankruptcy". The job takes place at the Town Hall and takes 12 hours.
Marge - Angry‎ Artie, you are absolutely the most unethical, sleazy example of a human being I have ever come across!
Artie Ziff You're right – I AM rich.
Artie Ziff - Happy Now will you marry me, Marge?
Marge - Angry You just don't get it. I don't want to be with you, or even around you. Go home Artie.
Artie Ziff - Sad What could have possibly gone wrong?!
Artie Ziff - Sad I didn't listen to a word she said and ruined hundreds of people's lives.
Artie Ziff - Sad I should be swimming in Marges.
Quest reward: Cash.png100 and XP.png10

Pt. 9[edit]

After tapping on Judge Snyder's exclamation mark
Judge Snyder ...Insider trading, cooking the books, dangerously undercooked books, unauthorized exchanges, laundering money through numerous child-focused investment magazines.
Judge Snyder I don't know if there's a white collar crime you haven't committed, Mr. Ziff.
Artie Ziff White collar crimes are the good ones, right?
Judge Snyder Mr. Ziff, these are very serious accusations!
Judge Snyder A lot of people, including myself, have been financially crippled because of you! You've ruined lives!
Artie Ziff I don't suppose this 'Get Out of Jail Free' card I have in my wallet is game transferrable?
Judge Snyder Jail? I don't think that's necessary. It's not like you shoplifted or were found with a minuscule amount of drugs.
Judge Snyder House arrest will do. And if you don't have a house, the court will appoint one for you.
Judge Snyder As for your failing business that ruined the community, its market cap just qualifies as too big to fail.
Judge Snyder I hereby order the town to bail out ZiffCorp and build it a fancy office building.
Judge Snyder Case dismissed!
Task: "Build ZiffCorp Office Building". It takes 4 hours.
Lenny So ZiffCorp is back and will be publicly traded.
Lenny - Sad But I'll never be fooled by a man in a fancy suit again.
Lenny Hey! Nice suit, Carl, so are you thinking of buying back in?
Carl - Surprised Are you crazy? I lost over three hundred thousand dollars!
Lenny Then I'm buying back in!
Carl - Surprised What?! Why?
Lenny I said I wasn't going to listen to a man in a suit and you're a man in a suit.
Lenny Thanks for the not advice, Carl.
Quest reward: Cash.png5,000 and XP.png500