The following is a list of chalkboard gags seen on The Simpsons.
| #
|
Image
|
Gag
|
Episode
|
Code
|
| 205
|
|
I will not file frivolous lawsuits
|
"The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace"
|
5F21
|
| 207
|
|
The Simpsons Halloween Special IX
(This is written once in blood with a paintbrush.)
|
"Treehouse of Horror IX"
|
AABF01
|
| 208
|
|
"butt.com" is not my e-mail address
(This was changed to "butt.butt" in later airings, since butt.com was revealed to be a real website. However, "butt.com" still appears in syndication.)
|
"When You Dish Upon a Star"
|
5F19
|
| 209
|
|
No one cares what my definition of "is" is.
|
"D'oh-in' in the Wind"
|
AABF02
|
| 210
|
|
I will not scream for ice cream
|
"Lisa Gets an "A""
|
AABF03
|
| 211
|
|
I am not a licensed hairstylist
|
"Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble""
|
AABF04
|
| 212
|
|
"The President did it" is not an excuse
|
"Mayored to the Mob"
|
AABF05
|
| 213
|
|
My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
|
"Viva Ned Flanders"
|
AABF06
|
| 214
|
|
Sherri does not "got back"
|
"Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"
|
AABF07
|
| 215
|
|
I will not do "the dirty bird"
|
"Sunday, Cruddy Sunday"
|
AABF08
|
| 216
|
|
No one cares about my sciatica
|
"Homer to the Max"
|
AABF09
|
| 217
|
|
Hillbillies are people too
|
"I'm with Cupid"
|
AABF11
|
| 218
|
|
Grammar is not a time of waste
|
"Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers""
|
AABF10
|
| 219
|
|
I do not have diplomatic immunity
(This is a repeat of the gag from "Marge in Chains", although the words are arranged across two lines.)
|
"Make Room for Lisa"
|
AABF12
|
| 220
|
|
It does not suck to be you
|
"Maximum Homerdrive"
|
AABF13
|
| 221
|
|
I cannot absolve sins
|
"Simpsons Bible Stories"
|
AABF14
|
|
During Lisa's dream in the episode, in hieroglyphics:
I will not deface
(The hieroglyphics are "eye", "well", "knot", "D+", and "face", and the "D+" and "face" hieroglyph is read together.)
|
| 222
|
|
A trained ape could not teach gym
|
"Mom and Pop Art"
|
AABF15
|
| 223
|
|
Loose teeth don't need my help
|
"The Old Man and the "C" Student"
|
AABF16
|
| 224
|
|
I have neither been there nor done that
|
"Monty Can't Buy Me Love"
|
AABF17
|
| 225
|
|
No one wants to hear from my armpits
(This is a repeat of the gag from "Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily".)
|
"They Saved Lisa's Brain"
|
AABF18
|
| 226
|
|
I'm so very tired
|
"Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo"
|
AABF20
|
|
| Airdate
|
Image
|
Gag
|
| July 27, 2007
|
|
I will not illegally download this movie.
|
|
| #
|
Image
|
Gag
|
Episode
|
Code
|
| 693
|
|
I will not put laxatives in Santa's cookies
|
"Sorry Not Sorry"
|
QABF01
|
| 696
|
|
During the episode, in a photo:
I will never be a teacher's pet
(Bart writes this while Mrs. Krabappel reads a book.)
|
"Diary Queen"
|
QABF05
|
| 705
|
|
During the episode, in a photo on Terrance's evidence board:
I will not take advantage of Milhouse
(Milhouse writes this while Bart escapes through the window.)
|
"The Man from G.R.A.M.P.A."
|
QABF13
|
|
| #
|
Image
|
Gag
|
Episode
|
Code
|
| 774
|
|
Lisa writes:
I will not get detention just to practice cursive
(Lisa then proceeds to get out of school with her bike.)
|
"Women in Shorts"
|
35ABF17
|
| 788
|
|
No booger is so perfect it "demands to be flicked"
|
"Stew Lies"
|
36ABF09
|
|
Disney+ Exclusive Episodes[edit]
| #
|
Image
|
Gag
|
Episode
|
Code
|
806
807
|
|
I will not hit the "skip intro" button
|
"Extreme Makeover: Homer Edition"
|
36ABF20
36ABF21
|
| 809
|
|
I did not predict any of this crap!
(After Bart cracks the chalkboard, the classroom changes to a pre-HD era style, with the picture of Homer changing to George Washington, and the clock and other details changing. Bart then falls through the chalkboard.)
|
"Yellow Mirror"
|
36ABF22
|
|
| #
|
Release date
|
Image
|
Gag
|
Comic story
|
| 1
|
April 4, 1991
|
|
I will not read this magazine in class
|
N/A (front cover)
|
| 6
|
Summer 1992
|
|
I will never get anywhere by drawing crude cartoons
|
Dial "M" for Moe
|
| 8
|
Winter 1992
|
|
The armpit is not a musical instrument.
|
Return to Slander
|
|
Bartman[edit]
The Simpsons Comic Strips[edit]
| #
|
Release date
|
Image
|
Gag
|
Comic story
|
|
|
December 2003
|
|
Bart writes:
I will not put superglue on the principal's chair
Marge writes:
I will not have any more children
|
Marge's "Vacation"
|
|
Products[edit]
| #
|
Release date
|
Image
|
Gag(s)
|
Product
|
|
|
|
|
Underwear should be worn on the inside
Mud is not one of the four food groups
I will not eat things for money
Funny noises are not funny
I will not sell school property
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
|
Bart Simpson Talking Alarm Clock
|
|
|
1990
|
|
I will not throw paper planes in class
|
The Simpsons School Kit
|
|
|
|
Adverts[edit]
| Image
|
Gag
|
Advert
|
|
I will not take part in shameless commercial promotion
(The fifth line ends at the word "commercial" and trails off.)
|
Sky 1 400th episode ad
|
|
Calendar[edit]
Trading cards[edit]
| #
|
Image
|
Gag
|
| 1
|
|
Biting is unsanitary and rude.
|
| 2
|
|
I will not belch the national anthem.
|
| 3
|
|
I will not encourage others to fly.
|
| 4
|
|
Giving people wedgies is not clever
|
| 5
|
|
I will not do anything bad ever again.
|
| 6
|
|
I will not drive the principal's car.
|
| 7
|
|
I will spend my time productively.
|
| 8
|
|
Tar is not a plaything.
|
| 9
|
|
I will not lie, cheat, or spit.
|
| 10
|
|
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom.
|
| 11
|
|
I will not add to our nation's problems.
|
| 12
|
|
Krusty the Clown is not God.
|
| 13
|
|
Hamsters do not eat onion rings.
|
| 14
|
|
I will not trade pants with others.
|
| 15
|
|
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
|
| 16
|
|
I will not undermine traditional American values.
|
| 17
|
|
Cursing is a crutch.
|
| 18
|
|
I am not a 32 year old woman.
|
| 19
|
|
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
|
| 20
|
|
I will not sell school property.
|
| 21
|
|
I will not get very far with this attitude.
|
| 22
|
|
I will not overestimate my own popularity.
|
|
Video games/Applications[edit]
| Image
|
Gag
|
Video game/Application
|
Note
|
|
I am not a 32 year old woman
|
The Simpsons: Bart's House of Weirdness
|
Reused from the episode "Dead Putting Society".
|
|
I will not call my teacher hot cakes
|
Reused from the episode "Homer's Night Out".
|
|
I will not skateboard in the halls
|
Reused from the episode "Homer's Odyssey".
|
|
Tar is not a plaything
|
Reused from the episode "Simpson and Delilah".
|
|
I will not burp in class.
|
The Simpsons Screen Saver
|
At one point, the gag is written "I will not burp u", before the "u" is rubbed out and replaced with "i".
Reused from the episode "There's No Disgrace Like Home".
|
|
Funny noises are not funny
|
|
|
I will not fake seizures
|
|
|
I will not snap bras
|
|
|
I will not spin the turtle
|
|
|
My name is not Dr. Death
|
|
|
The punishment is not boring and pointless
|
|
|
This is not a clue... or is it?
|
The Simpsons Road Rage
|
Reused from the episode "Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)".
|
|
|
I will not sell fake cheat codes
|
The Simpsons Game
|
|
|
|
I will not sell real cheat codes
|
|
|
|
I will not switch rating labels
|
|
|
|
I will not use abbrev.
|
Reused from the episode "Another Simpsons Clip Show"
|
|
|
I will not encourage others to fly
|
Reused from the episode "Bart Gets an "F""
|
|
|
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
|
Reused from the episode "Fear of Flying"
|
|
|
There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"
|
Reused from the episode "Realty Bites"
|
|
|
I cannot hire a substitute student
|
Reused from the episode "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge"
|
|
|
A fire drill does not demand a fire
|
Reused from the episode "The Canine Mutiny"
|
|
I will not eat things for money.
|
TheSimpsons.com
|
Recycled from "Marge vs. the Monorail"
From a Flash intro to the website from c. 2000
|
|
Written by Jenda on a whiteboard:
I will not settle
|
The Simpsons: Tapped Out
|
From task Jenda From the Future
|
|
| Image
|
Gag
|
Usage
|
Note
|
|
I will turn off my cell phone at table reads
|
Table Reading Room
|
It is located outside the room where the table reads for the series are done.
|
|
My butt is not for blowing out candles
|
Hallmark Greetings Cards (from 2008)
|
|
|
It's a pleasure to work for the Disney corporation
|
Family Guy episode "The Birthday Bootlegger"
|
|
|
I will not deck the hall monitor
|
El Capitan Theatre premier of "O C'mon All Ye Faithful"
|
|
|
I will not start a podcast
|
Promotional image for "Simpsons Declassified with Nancy Cartwright" podcast
|
Written by Nancy Cartwright dressed as Bart
|
|
Some chalkboard gags have mentioned, but not seen written on a chalkboard, including:
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