Kearney Zzyzwicz
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Kearney Zzyzwicz
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Character Information
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Kearney Zzyzwicz is one of the school bullies of Springfield Elementary. He appears to be the ugliest and toughest of the
bullies.
He was born on July 22, 1973 and is 22 years old. He has a father named Kearney, Sr., a mother named Mrs. Zzyzwicz. Although he looks (and sounds) to be around Jimbo or Dolph's age, Kearney has a young son named Kearney, Jr. (it is not known who the mother is), he is the only present Springfield Elementary School student that celebrated the United States Bicentennial (that is, was alive in 1976) and shaves his beard. Strangely, he once needed a fake ID to purchase beer.
Kearney drives a old style Hyundai. This is evidenced when Principal Skinner attempts to pry off the 'H' in 'HYUNDAI' to replace the 'H' logo stolen from Superintendent Chalmers' Honda. Kearney catches him in the act, forcing Skinner to flee.
Kearney is seen smoking in the room where Bart, Nelson, Jimbo, and Dolph are trapped in, during Superintendent Chalmers's visit.
Otto once stated that he and Kearney both went to Springfield Elementary School together, only for Kearney to reply that they are unable to teach him, which is his reason for why he is still in the school despite being 22.
He also owns his own tuxedo, although he isn't seen wearing it.
Contents
Family
Son
Kearney's son looks exactly like him, though more like a kid. He was able to overcome his parent's divorce by sleeping in a drawer at night. He is also considered smarter than Kearney, since when he was sitting on Gil's lap when he was dressed up as Santa Claus, he believed he is the real Santa Claus and his son knew immediately he was a fake. Kearney's son seems to be a young child but Kearney says that is speaking "as a teenager and parent of a teenager" although he probably has some other child that he was talking about.
Wife
Kearney has been married to an unnamed (and unmentioned) wife. The only details given though were that he had to divorce with her, because Kearney didn't want his parents to find out. Kearney has said that he misses having sex with her, though it also mentioned in one episode that Kearney dated Jimbo's mother.
Mother
Kearney's mother suffers from clinical depression, for which she is being treated with medication. Kearney's points to the medication as the primary reason behind her recent weight gain. She is either in a mental clinic or jail.
Biography
Start as a Bully
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The contents of this article or section are considered to be non-canon and therefore may not have actually happened or existed. |
It was revealed that Kearney, Jimbo, and Dolph were bullied by nerds. Bart then taught them that nerds are "all talk and no action" and they learned to "stand up" for themselves. Bart was later caught in the crossfire when his own creation backfired, and the other students at Springfield Elementary School (this is seen in a comic, but comic strips are not considered canonical).
Life as a Bully
Kearney's favorite punching bag is Martin Prince. He also once beat up Nelson when he found out how sensitive he was, as well as when Nelson commented on how Duncan the horse (the former diving horse) didn't "take no guff from nobody", for using the word, "Guff," in place of an expletive. The bully gang does not use physical abuse on girls — most likely due to the fact that the "girl bullies" would come after them as they do the nerds, dorks and geeks. One other reason for it is that they say that girls bite and scratch, and sometimes, "we fall in love". At one time, he has dated Jimbo's mother, claiming "she came onto him", with the result that he was beaten up by the rest of the gang. Like Jimbo and Dolph, Kearney is quite stupid. Kearney's prior offenses are Indian burn (3rd degree), full moon, half moon, attempted purple nurple, hertz donut (acquitted).
Future
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The contents of this article or section are considered to be non-canon and therefore may not have actually happened or existed. |
Kearney becomes the Vice-Principal of Springfield Elementary (the principal is still Seymour Skinner), however none of his bullying traits are seen. He will also be Lisa's bodyguard when she becomes the USA president, saying his contract gives him three people to kill in each term.
Trivia
- Kearney was created from "Kearney Street" in Portland, Oregon, where Matt Groening grew up.
Appearances
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This article or section is incomplete.
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Episode – "The Telltale Head" - Episode – "Dead Putting Society"
- Episode – "Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment"
- Episode – "The War of the Simpsons"
- Episode – "The Mook, The Chef, The Wife and Her Homer"
- Episode – "I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
THOH – "Treehouse of Horror XIX" 
Comic story – Comic Fan No More - Comic story – Spree for All
