List of chalkboard gags

The following is a list of chalkboard gags seen on The Simpsons.

Season 1

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
1	December 17, 1989	no gag	Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
2	January 14, 1990	I will not waste chalk	Bart the Genius
3	January 21, 1990	I will not skateboard in the halls	Homer's Odyssey
4	January 28, 1990	I will not burp in class	There's No Disgrace Like Home
5	February 4, 1990	no gag - shortened opening	Bart the General
6	February 11, 1990	I will not instigate revolution	Moaning Lisa
7	February 18, 1990	I will not draw naked ladies in class	Call of the Simpsons
8	February 25, 1990	I did not see Elvis	The Telltale Head
9	March 18, 1990	no gag	Life on the Fast Lane
10	March 25, 1990	I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"	Homer's Night Out
11	April 15, 1990	Garlic gum is not funny	The Crepes of Wrath
12	April 29, 1990	They are laughing at me, not with me	Krusty Gets Busted
13	May 13, 1990	I will not yell "Fire!" in a crowded classroom	Some Enchanted Evening

Season 2

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
14	October 11, 1990	I will not encourage others to fly (And during the episode: I will not fake my way through life)	Bart Gets an F
15	October 18, 1990	Tar is not a plaything	Simpson and Delilah
16	October 25, 1990	no gag	Treehouse of Horror
17	November 1, 1990	I will not Xerox my butt (Alternate chalkboard gag aired on June 2], 1992 rerun - "It's 'potato', not 'potatoe'")	Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish
18	November 8, 1990	I will not trade pants with others	Dancin' Homer
19	November 15, 1990	I am not a 32 year old woman (though at the time, the voice of Bart, Nancy Cartwright, was)	Dead Putting Society
20	November 22, 1990	I will not do that thing with my tongue	Bart vs. Thanksgiving
21	December 6, 1990	I will not drive the principal's car (similar chalkboard gag in The Months, with the principal being replaced by December)	Bart the Daredevil
22	December 20, 1990	I will not pledge allegiance to Bart	Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
23	January 10, 1991	I will not sell school property	Bart Gets Hit by a Car
24	January 24, 1991	I will not cut corners (This is written for 3 lines. The remaining lines are all "ditto" quotation marks.)	One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish
25	January 31, 1991	I will not get very far with this attitude	The Way We Was
26	February 7, 1991	I will not make flatulent noises in class	Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment
27	February 14, 1991	I will not belch the national anthem	Principal Charming
28	February 21, 1991	I will not sell land in Florida	Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
29	March 7, 1991	I will not sell school property	Bart's Dog Gets an F
30	March 28, 1991	I will not grease the monkey bars	Old Money
31	April 11, 1991	I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment	Brush with Greatness
32	April 25, 1991	no gag	Lisa's Substitute
33	May 2, 1991	I will not do anything bad ever again	The War of the Simpsons
34	May 9, 1991	I will not show off (This was written in Blackletter.)	Three Men and a Comic Book
35	July 11, 1991	I will not sleep through my education	Blood Feud

Season 3

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
36	September 19, 1991	I am not a dentist	Stark Raving Dad
37	September 26, 1991	Spitwads are not free speech	Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington
38	October 3, 1991	Nobody likes sunburn slappers	When Flanders Failed
39	October 10, 1991	High explosives and school don't mix (And during the episode: I will not bribe Principal Skinner)	Bart the Murderer
40	October 17, 1991	I will not squeak chalk (Bart makes the chalk squeak as he writes this.)	Homer Defined
41	October 24, 1991	I will finish what I sta (written only once)	Like Father, Like Clown
42	October 31, 1991	no gag	Treehouse of Horror II
43	November 7, 1991	"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender	Lisa's Pony
44	November 14, 1991	I will not fake rabies	Saturdays of Thunder
45	November 21, 1991	Underwear should be worn on the inside	Flaming Moe's
46	December 5, 1991	The Christmas Pageant does not stink	Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk
47	December 26, 1991	I will not torment the emotionally frail	I Married Marge
48	January 9, 1992	I will not carve gods	Radio Bart
49	January 23, 1992	no gag	Lisa the Greek
50	February 6, 1992	I will not spank others	Homer Alone
51	February 13, 1992	no gag	Bart the Lover
52	February 20, 1992	I will not aim for the head (In this episode, a major character was hit in the head by a pitch during a baseball game.)	Homer at the Bat
53	February 27, 1992	I will not barf unless I'm sick (And during the episode: I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty)	Separate Vocations
54	March 12, 1992	I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge	Dog of Death
55	March 26, 1992	I will not conduct my own fire drills	Colonel Homer
56	April 9, 1992	Funny noises are not funny	Black Widower
57	April 23, 1992	I will not spin the turtle	The Otto Show
58	May 7, 1992	I will not snap bras	Bart's Friend Falls in Love
59	August 27, 1992	I will not fake seizures	Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?

Season 4

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
60	September 24, 1992	This punishment is not boring and pointless	Kamp Krusty
61	October 01, 1992	My name is not "Dr. Death"	A Streetcar Named Marge
62	October 08, 1992	I will not defame New Orleans (This was due to complaints regarding the previous episode's song about New Orleans.)	Homer the Heretic
63	October 15, 1992	I will not prescribe medication	Lisa the Beauty Queen
64	October 29, 1992	no gag	Treehouse of Horror III
65	November 03, 1992	I will not bury the new kid (During the episode, Marge writes "I will try to raise a better child.")	Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie
66	November 05, 1992	I will not teach others to fly	Marge Gets a Job
67	November 12, 1992	I will not bring sheep to class	New Kid on the Block
68	November 19, 1992	A burp is not an answer	Mr. Plow
69	December 03, 1992	Teacher is not a leper	Lisa's First Word
70	December 17, 1992	Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less legible and more scrawled.)	Homer's Triple Bypass
71	January 14, 1993	I will not eat things for money	Marge vs. the Monorail
72	January 21, 1993	I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call	Selma's Choice
73	February 04, 1993	The principal's toupée is not a frisbee	Brother from the Same Planet
74	February 11, 1993	I will not call the principal "spud head"	I Love Lisa
75	February 18, 1993	Goldfish don't bounce	Duffless
76	March 11, 1993	Mud is not one of the 4 food groups	Last Exit to Springfield
77	April 01, 1993	No one is interested in my underpants	So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show
78	April 15, 1993	I will not sell miracle cures	The Front
79	April 29, 1993	I will return the seeing-eye dog	Whacking Day
80	May 06, 1993	I do not have diplomatic immunity	Marge in Chains
81	May 13, 1993	I will not charge admission to the bathroom	Krusty Gets Kancelled

Season 5

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
82	September 30, 1993	I will never win an Emmy (Nine Emmy awards had been won by the show and cast by show's date)	Homer's Barbershop Quartet
83	October 07, 1993	The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy	Cape Feare
84	October 14, 1993	no gag	Homer Goes to College
85	October 21, 1993	no gag	Rosebud
86	October 28, 1993	no gag	Treehouse of Horror IV
87	November 04, 1993	no gag	Marge on the Lam
88	November 11, 1993	no gag	Bart's Inner Child
89	November 18, 1993	no gag	Boy-Scoutz N the Hood
90	December 09, 1993	All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy	The Last Temptation of Homer
91	December 16, 1993	I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause	$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)
92	January 06, 1994	I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers	Homer the Vigilante
93	February 03, 1994	My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man	Bart Gets Famous
94	February 10, 1994	I will not go near the kindergarten turtle	Homer and Apu
95	February 17, 1994	no gag	Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy
96	February 24, 1994	no gag	Deep Space Homer
97	March 17, 1994	I am not delightfully saucy	Homer Loves Flanders
98	March 31, 1994	Organ transplants are best left to the professionals	Bart Gets an Elephant
99	April 14, 1994	The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan"	Burns' Heir
100	April 28, 1994	I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (100th episode)	Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song
101	May 05, 1994	There are plenty of businesses like show business	The Boy Who Knew Too Much
102	May 12, 1994	I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball	Lady Bouvier's Lover
103	May 19, 1994	Five days is not too long to wait for a gun	Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Season 6

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
104	September 04, 1994	Beans are neither a fruit nor musical (This takes us back to "Whacking Day")	Bart of Darkness
105	September 11, 1994	No one is interested in my underpants	Lisa's Rival
106	September 25, 1994	I will not use abbrev.	Another Simpsons Clip Show
107	October 02, 1994	I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.	Itchy & Scratchy Land
108	October 09, 1994	no gag	Sideshow Bob Roberts
109	October 30, 1994	no gag	Treehouse of Horror V
110	November 06, 1994	I will not send lard through the mail	Bart's Girlfriend
111	November 13, 1994	I will not dissect things unless instructed	Lisa on Ice
112	November 27, 1994	I will not whittle hall passes out of soap	Homer Badman
113	December 04, 1994	My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man (this is from 1F11)	Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
114	December 18, 1994	Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough	Fear of Flying
115	January 08, 1995	Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the principal	Homer the Great
116	January 22, 1995	'Bagman' is not a legitimate career choice	And Maggie Makes Three
117	February 05, 1995	Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does	Bart's Comet
118	February 12, 1995	Next time it could be me on the scaffolding	Homie the Clown
119	February 19, 1995	I will not hang donuts on my person	Bart vs. Australia
120	February 26, 1995	I will remember to take my medication	Homer vs. Patty & Selma
121	March 05, 1995	no gag	A Star Is Burns
122	March 19, 1995	I will not strut around like I own the place	Lisa's Wedding
123	April 09, 1995	The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far	Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
124	April 16, 1995	I do not have power of attorney over first graders	The PTA Disbands
125	April 30, 1995	Nerve gas is not a toy	'Round Springfield
126	May 07, 1995	I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface	The Springfield Connection
127	May 14, 1995	The First Amendment does not cover burping	Lemon of Troy
128	May 21, 1995	This is not a clue... or is it? (part 1 of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?")	Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)

Season 7

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
129	September 17, 1995	I will not complain about the solution when I hear it (part 2 of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?")	Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)
130	September 24, 1995	"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism	Radioactive Man
131	October 01, 1995	No one wants to hear from my armpits	Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
132	October 08, 1995	I am not a lean mean spitting machine	Bart Sells His Soul
133	October 15, 1995	The boys' room is not a water park	Lisa the Vegetarian
134	October 29, 1995	no gag	Treehouse of Horror VI
135	November 05, 1995	Indian burns are not our cultural heritage	King-Size Homer
136	November 19, 1995	no gag	Mother Simpson
137	November 26, 1995	Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things	Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming
138	December 03, 1995	I will only do this once a year ("The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular," a clip show)	The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular
139	December 17, 1995	I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist	Marge Be Not Proud
140	January 07, 1996	I am not certified to remove asbestos	Team Homer
141	January 14, 1996	no gag	Two Bad Neighbors
142	February 04, 1996	no gag	Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield
143	February 11, 1996	no gag	Bart the Fink
144	February 18, 1996	no gag	Lisa the Iconoclast
145	February 25, 1996	no gag	Homer the Smithers
146	March 17, 1996	no gag	The Day the Violence Died
147	March 24, 1996	no gag	A Fish Called Selma
148	March 31, 1996	no gag	Bart on the Road
149	April 14, 1996	no gag	22 Short Films About Springfield
150	April 28, 1996	no gag	Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"
151	May 05, 1996	no gag	Much Apu About Nothing
152	May 19, 1996	no gag	Homerpalooza
153	May 19, 1996	no gag	Summer of 4 Ft. 2

Season 8

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
154	October 27, 1996	no gag	Treehouse of Horror VII
155	November 03, 1996	I did not learn everything I need to know from kindergarten	You Only Move Twice
156	November 10, 1996	I am not my long-lost twin	The Homer They Fall
157	November 17, 1996	no gag	Burns, Baby Burns
158	November 24, 1996	no gag	Bart After Dark
159	December 01, 1996	no gag	A Milhouse Divided
160	December 15, 1996	no gag (But during the episode, Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss.")	Lisa's Date with Density
161	December 29, 1996	no gag	Hurricane Neddy
162	January 05, 1997	no gag	El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)
163	January 12, 1997	The truth is not out there ("The Springfield Files," an X-Files parody episode)	The Springfield Files
164	January 19, 1997	I am not licenced to do anything (referencing a James Bond movie)	The Twisted World of Marge Simpson
165	February 02, 1997	no gag	Mountain of Madness
166	February 07, 1997	I will not hide the teacher's Prozac	Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
167	February 09, 1997	no gag	The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
168	February 16, 1997	no gag	Homer's Phobia
169	February 23, 1997	no gag	Brother from Another Series
170	March 02, 1997	no gag	My Sister, My Sitter
171	March 16, 1997	no gag	Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment
172	April 06, 1997	no gag	Grade School Confidential
173	April 13, 1997	A fire drill does not demand a fire	The Canine Mutiny
174	April 20, 1997	no gag	The Old Man and the Lisa
175	April 27, 1997	no gag	In Marge We Trust
176	May 04, 1997	no gag	Homer's Enemy
177	May 11, 1997	no gag	The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
178	May 18, 1997	no gag	The Secret War of Lisa Simpson

Season 9

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
179	September 21, 1997	no gag	The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson
180	September 28, 1997	no gag	The Principal and the Pauper
181	October 19, 1997	I no longer want my MTV (reference to the lyrics of the Dire Straits song Money for Nothing, and a possible jab at MTV's declining quality due to lack of music videos and music-related programming)	Lisa's Sax
182	October 26, 1997	no gag	Treehouse of Horror VIII
183	November 02, 1997	Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story	The Cartridge Family
184	November 09, 1997	I did not invent Irish dancing	Bart Star
185	November 16, 1997	no gag	The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons
186	November 23, 1997	I will not tease Fatty	Lisa the Skeptic
187	December 07, 1997	There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"	Realty Bites
188	December 21, 1997	Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related	Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
189	January 04, 1998	no gag	All Singing, All Dancing
190	January 11, 1998	no gag	Bart Carny
191	February 08, 1998	Shooting paintballs is not an art form	The Joy of Sect
192	February 15, 1998	no gag	Das Bus
193	February 22, 1998	Pain is not the cleanser (Surprisingly, Ned Flanders shouted "Pain is the cleanser!" as he yanked his moustache in the episode Home Away from Homer.)	The Last Temptation of Krust
194	March 01, 1998	Silly string is not a nasal spray	Dumbbell Indemnity
195	March 08, 1998	no gag	Lisa the Simpson
196	March 22, 1998	I was told not to do this	This Little Wiggy
197	March 29, 1998	My butt does not deserve a website	Simpson Tide
198	April 05, 1998	I will not demand what I'm worth (This is a reference to the voice cast's recent demands for higher pay.)	The Trouble With Trillions
199	April 19, 1998	no gag	Girly Edition
200	April 26, 1998	I will not mess with the opening credits (This was actually the couch gag for this episode; the rest of the family runs into the classroom to find Bart already there writing on the board.)	Trash of the Titans
201	May 03, 1998	no gag	King of the Hill
202	May 10, 1998	I am not the new Dalai Lama	Lost Our Lisa
203	May 17, 1998	I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" (This episode aired three days after the last episode of "Seinfeld".)	Natural Born Kissers

Season 10

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
204	August 23, 1998	no gag	Lard of the Dance
205	September 20, 1998	I will not file frivolous lawsuits	The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace
206	September 27, 1998	no gag	Bart the Mother
207	October 25, 1998	The Simpsons Halloween Special IX (This is written in blood with a paintbrush.)	Treehouse of Horror IX
208	November 08, 1998	"butt.com" is not my E-mail address (This was changed to "butt.butt" in later airings since butt.com was revealed to be a real website. Butt.com still appeared in syndication, however.)	When You Dish upon a Star
209	November 15, 1998	No one cares what my definition of "is" is	D'oh-in in the Wind
210	November 22, 1998	I will not scream for ice cream	Lisa Gets an "A"
211	December 06, 1998	I am not a licensed hairstylist	Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"
212	December 20, 1998	"The President did it" is not an excuse (This aired a day after Bill Clinton was impeached)	Mayored to the Mob
213	January 10, 1999	My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld	Viva Ned Flanders
214	January 17, 1999	Sherri does not "got back"	Wild Barts Can't Be Broken
215	January 31, 1999	I will not do "the dirty bird" (This episode aired the night of Super Bowl XXXIII, in which the Atlanta Falcons, for whom "The Dirty Bird" was a signature dance/celebration, played.)	Sunday, Cruddy Sunday
216	February 07, 1999	No one cares about my sciatica	Homer to the Max
217	February 14, 1999	Hillbillies are people too	I'm with Cupid
218	February 21, 1999	Grammar is not a time of waste	Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers"
219	February 28, 1999	I do not have diplomatic immunity (Taken from 9F20)	Make Room for Lisa
220	March 28, 1999	It does not suck to be you (A reference to a Prozzäk song)	Maximum Homerdrive
221	April 04, 1999	I cannot absolve sins (And during Lisa's dream in the episode: I will not deface using hieroglyphics where possible)	Simpsons Bible Stories
222	April 11, 1999	A trained ape could not teach gym	Mom and Pop Art
223	April 25, 1999	Loose teeth don't need my help	The Old Man and the "C" Student
224	May 02, 1999	I have neither been there nor done that	Monty Can't Buy Me Love
225	May 09, 1999	No one wants to hear from my armpits (This is from 3F01)	They Saved Lisa's Brain
226	May 16, 1999	I'm so very tired (At this point, Bart had been doing these gags for ten seasons.)	Thirty Minutes over Tokyo

Season 11

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
227	September 26, 1999	Fridays are not "pants optional" (In Australia, Hamish and Andy (a comedy duo) have decided that Friday should be Pants off Friday.)	Beyond Blunderdome
228	October 03, 1999	Pork is not a verb (the irony is that "pork" is a verb, albeit a vulgar slang term, meaning "to have sexual intercourse with")	Brother's Little Helper
229	October 24, 1999	I am not the last Don (Possibly a reference to the 1997 TV minseries of the same name, which starred Joe Mantegna, voice of recurring Simpsons character Fat Tony)	Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?
230	October 31, 1999	no gag	Treehouse of Horror X
231	November 07, 1999	I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize	E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)
232	November 14, 1999	I won't not use no double negatives (since three negatives are used, the sentence is true)	Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder
233	November 21, 1999	Indian burns are not our cultural heritage (This is from 3F05)	Eight Misbehavin'
234	November 28, 1999	I can't see dead people (This is a reference to The Sixth Sense)	Take My Wife, Sleaze
235	December 19, 1999	I will not sell my kidney on eBay (this is impossible now, since eBay prohibits the sale of organs)	Grift of the Magi
236	January 9, 2000	I will not create art from dung	Little Big Mom
237	January 16, 2000	I will stop phoning it in	Faith Off
238	January 23, 2000	Class clown is not a paid position	The Mansion Family
239	February 06, 2000	Substitute teachers are not scabs	Saddlesore Galactica
240	February 13, 2000	My suspension was not mutual	Alone Again, Natura-Diddily
241	February 20, 2000	A belch is not an oral report	Missionary: Impossible
242	February 27, 2000	Dodgeball stops at the gym door	Pygmoelian
243	March 19, 2000	Non-flammable is not a challenge	Bart to the Future
244	April 09, 2000	I was not touched "there" by an angel	Days of Wine and D'oh'ses
245	April 30, 2000	I am not here on a fartball scholarship	Kill the Alligator and Run
246	May 07, 2000	I will not dance on anyone's grave	Last Tap Dance in Springfield
247	May 14, 2000	I cannot hire a substitute student	It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge
248	May 21, 2000	"I will not obey the voices in my head"	Behind the Laughter

Season 12

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
249	November 01, 2000	no gag	Treehouse of Horror XI
250	November 05, 2000	I will not plant subliminal messagores (aired two days before the 2000 U.S. presidential election)	A Tale of Two Springfields
251	November 12, 2000	I will not surprise the incontinent	Insane Clown Poppy
252	November 19, 2000	I am not the acting president (aired during the legal contest over the results of the 2000 presidential election)	Lisa the Tree Hugger
253	November 26, 2000	I was not the sixth Beatle	Homer vs. Dignity
254	December 03, 2000	I will only provide a urine sample when asked	The Computer Wore Menace Shoes
255	December 10, 2000	The nurse is not dealing	The Great Money Caper
256	December 17, 2000	Science class should not end in tragedy (During the episode, Skinner writes "I ain't not a dorkus")	Skinner's Sense of Snow
257	January 07, 2001	Network TV is not dead	HOMR
258	January 14, 2001	I will not "let the dogs out" (reference a song made popular by the Baha Men)	Pokey Mom
259	February 04, 2001	I will not hide the teacher's medication	Worst Episode Ever
260	February 11, 2001	I will not publish the principal's credit report	Tennis the Menace
261	February 18, 2001	The hamster did not have a "full life"	Day of the Jackanapes
262	February 25, 2001	I will not buy a presidential pardon (This refers to the Bill Clinton pardons controversy, involving 140 pardons he issued on his last day in office.)	New Kids on the Blecch
263	March 04, 2001	"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap	Hungry, Hungry Homer
264	March 11, 2001	I will not scare the vice president (a reference to VP Cheney's heart condition)	Bye Bye Nerdie
265	April 01, 2001	I will not flush evidence	Simpson Safari
266	April 29, 2001	Fire is not the cleanser	Trilogy of Error
267	May 06, 2001	Genetics is not an excuse	I'm Goin' to Praiseland
268	May 13, 2001	Today is not Mothra's Day (This episode aired on Mother's Day.)	Children of a Lesser Clod
269	May 20, 2001	I should not be twenty-one by now (Referring to the fact that Bart has been the age of ten for over eleven years.)	Simpsons Tall Tales

Season 13

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
270	November 06, 2001	no gag	Treehouse of Horror XII
271	November 11, 2001	Nobody reads these anymore	The Parent Rap
272	November 18, 2001	A burp in a jar is not a science project	Homer the Moe
273	December 02, 2001	Fun does not have a size	A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love
274	December 09, 2001	I am not Charlie Brown on acid (reference to how critics described "South Park")	The Blunder Years
275	December 16, 2001	I do not have a cereal named after me (In fact, he did: "Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch". In the UK they released "Bart Simpson's No Problem-os)	She of Little Faith
276	January 06, 2002	no gag	Brawl in the Family
277	January 20, 2002	no gag	Sweets and Sour Marge
278	January 27, 2002	no gag	Jaws Wired Shut
279	February 10, 2002	I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers (A reference to his Butterfinger commercials and how, after a blatant jab two episodes earlier, the ads had been canceled.)	Half-Decent Proposal
280	February 17, 2002	The Giving Tree is not a chump	The Bart Wants What It Wants
281	February 24, 2002	Making Milhouse cry is not a science project	The Lastest Gun in the West
282	March 10, 2002	no gag	The Old Man and the Key
283	March 17, 2002	Vampire is not a career choice	Tales from the Public Domain
284	March 31, 2002	no gag	Blame It on Lisa
285	April 07, 2002	no gag	Weekend at Burnsie's
286	April 21, 2002	no gag	Gump Roast
287	April 28, 2002	no gag	I Am Furious Yellow
288	May 05, 2002	I will never lie about being cancelled again (a reference to Matt Groening spreading a rumor that The Simpsons was going to end its run after this season)	The Sweetest Apu
289	May 12, 2002	no gag	Little Girl in the Big Ten
290	May 19, 2002	no gag	The Frying Game
291	May 22, 2002	no gag	Papa's Got a Brand New Badge

Season 14

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
292	November 03, 2002	no gag	Treehouse of Horror XIII
293	November 10, 2002	no gag	How I Spent My Strummer Vacation
294	November 17, 2002	Fish do not like coffee	Bart vs. Lisa vs. the Third Grade
295	November 24, 2002	no gag	Large Marge
296	December 01, 2002	Milhouse did not test cootie positive	Helter Shelter
297	December 15, 2002	no gag	The Great Louse Detective
298	January 05, 2003	no gag	Special Edna
299	January 12, 2003	no gag	The Dad Who Knew Too Little
300	February 02, 2003	This school does not need a "regime change" (reference to the then-upcoming War In Iraq)	Strong Arms of the Ma
301	February 09, 2003	SpongeBob is not a contraceptive	Pray Anything
302	February 16, 2003	I will not (Bart then destroys the chalkboard with an axe.)	Barting Over
303	February 16, 2003	no gag	I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can
304	March 02, 2003	no gag	A Star Is Born-Again
305	March 09, 2003	no gag	Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington
306	March 16, 2003	no gag	C.E. D'oh
307	March 30, 2003	no gag	'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky
308	April 13, 2003	no gag	Three Gays of the Condo
309	April 27, 2003	no gag	Dude, Where's My Ranch?
310	May 04, 2003	My pen is not a booger launcher	Old Yeller Belly
311	May 11, 2003	no gag	Brake My Wife, Please
312	May 18, 2003	Sandwiches should not contain sand	Bart of War
313	May 18, 2003	no gag	Moe Baby Blues

Season 15

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
314	November 02, 2003	no gag	Treehouse of Horror XIV
315	November 09, 2003	no gag	My Mother the Carjacker
316	November 16, 2003	no gag	The President Wore Pearls
317	November 23, 2003	no gag	The Regina Monologues
318	November 30, 2003	no gag	The Fat and the Furriest
319	December 07, 2003	Over forty & single is not funny	Today I Am a Clown
320	December 14, 2003	no gag	'Tis the Fifteenth Season
321	January 04, 2004	no gag	Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays
322	January 11, 2004	no gag	I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot
323	January 25, 2004	no gag	Diatribe of a Mad Housewife
324	February 08, 2004	no gag	Margical History Tour
325	February 15, 2004	no gag	Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore
326	February 22, 2004	no gag	Smart and Smarter
327	March 14, 2004	I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be	The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
328	March 21, 2004	no gag	Co-Dependent's Day
329	March 28, 2004	no gag	The Wandering Juvie
330	April 18, 2004	no gag	My Big Fat Geek Wedding
331	April 25, 2004	no gag	Catch 'Em if You Can
332	May 02, 2004	no gag	Simple Simpson
333	May 09, 2004	no gag	The Way We Weren't
334	May 16, 2004	no gag	Bart-Mangled Banner
335	May 23, 2004	no gag	Fraudcast News

Season 16

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
336	November 07, 2004	no gag	Treehouse of Horror XV
337	November 14, 2004	no gag	All's Fair in Oven War
338	November 21, 2004	no gag	Sleeping with the Enemy
339	December 05, 2004	Poking a dead raccoon is not research	She Used to Be My Girl
340	December 12, 2004	no gag	Fat Man and Little Boy
341	January 16, 2005	no gag	Midnight Rx
342	January 30, 2005	no gag	Mommie Beerest
343	February 06, 2005	no gag	Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass
344	February 13, 2005	no gag	Pranksta Rap
345	February 20, 2005	no gag	There's Something About Marrying
346	March 06, 2005	Beer in a milk carton is not milk	On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister
347	March 13, 2005	no gag	Goo Goo Gai Pan
348	March 20, 2005	no gag	Mobile Homer
349	April 03, 2005	no gag	The Seven-Beer Snitch
350	April 17, 2005	no gag	Future-Drama
351	May 01, 2005	no gag	Don't Fear the Roofer
352	May 01, 2005	no gag	The Heartbroke Kid
353	May 08, 2005	no gag	A Star Is Torn
354	May 08, 2005	no gag	Thank God It's Doomsday
355	May 15, 2005	A booger is not a bookmark	Home Away from Homer
356	May 15, 2005	no gag	The Father, The Son & The Holy Guest Star

Season 17

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
357	September 11, 2005	Does any kid still do this anymore? (refers to the diminishing frequency of the chalkboard gag, as well as the real-life punishment)	Bonfire of the Manatees
358	September 18, 2005	no gag	The Girl Who Slept Too Little
359	September 25, 2005	no gag	Milhouse of Sand and Fog
360	November 06, 2005	no gag	Treehouse of Horror XVI
361	November 13, 2005	no gag	Marge's Son Poisoning
362	November 20, 2005	no gag	See Homer Run
363	November 27, 2005	no gag	The Last of the Red Hat Mamas
364	December 11, 2005	no gag	The Italian Bob
365	December 18, 2005	no gag	Simpsons Christmas Stories
366	January 08, 2006	I am not smarter than the President	Homer's Paternity Coot
367	January 29, 2006	Teacher was not dumped—it was mutual	We're on the Road to D'ohwhere
368	February 26, 2006	no gag	My Fair Laddy
369	March 12, 2006	no gag	The Seemingly Never-Ending Story
370	March 19, 2006	no gag	Bart Has Two Mommies
371	March 26, 2006	I will not laminate dog doo (The first airing of this episode included a special live action opening with 'I will not eat things for money' as the gag.)	Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife
372	April 02, 2006	I will not flip the classroom upside down (The classroom is flipped upside down.)	Million Dollar Abie
373	April 09, 2006	no gag	Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore
374	April 23, 2006	no gag	The Wettest Stories Ever Told
375	April 30, 2006	no gag	Girls Just Want to Have Sums
376	May 07, 2006	I will not leak the plot of the movie	Regarding Margie
377	May 14, 2006	Je ne parle pas français ("I do not speak French.")	The Monkey Suit
378	May 21, 2006	Have a great summer, everyone (last episode of the season)	Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play

Season 18

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
379	September 10, 2006	no gag	"The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer"
380	September 17, 2006	no gag	"Jazzy and the Pussycats"
381	September 24, 2006	no gag (But during the episode, Skinner writes "A baby beat me up" when Bart begins torturing Skinner by taking advantage of his peanut allergy)	"Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em"
382	November 5, 2006	no gag	"Treehouse of Horror XVII"
383	November 12, 2006	We are not all naked under our clothes	"G.I. D'oh"
384	November 19, 2006	no gag	"Moe'N'a Lisa"
385	November 26, 2006	no gag	"Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)"
386	December 10, 2006	no gag	"The Haw-Hawed Couple"
387	December 17, 2006	Frankincense is not a monster	"Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2"
388	January 7, 2007	no gag	"The Wife Aquatic"
389	January 28, 2007	no gag	"Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times"
390	February 11, 2007	no gag (But during the episode, Bart writes "So long suckers")	"Little Big Girl"
391	February 18, 2007	no gag	"Springfield Up"
392	March 4, 2007	no gag	"Yokel Chords"
393	March 11, 2007	no gag	"Rome-old and Juli-eh"
394	March 25, 2007	Global Warming did not eat my homework	"Homerazzi"
395	April 22, 2007	no gag	"Marge Gamer"
396	April 29, 2007	no gag	"The Boys of Bummer"
397	May 6, 2007	I will not look up how much teacher makes	"Crook and Ladder"
398	May 13, 2007	Pearls are not oyster barf	"Stop Or My Dog Will Shoot"
399	May 20, 2007	no gag (special 24-style opening)	"24 Minutes"
400	May 20, 2007	no gag (normal opening sequence replaced with a black screen that says "20 years ago", followed by a full showing of the Tracy Ullman Show Simpsons short "Family Portrait")	"You Kent Always Say What You Want"

Season 19

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
401	September 23, 2007	I will not wait 20 years to make another movie	"He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs"
402	September 30, 2007	The Wall Street Journal is better than ever	"The Homer of Seville"
403	October 7, 2007	no gag	"Midnight Towboy"
404	October 14, 2007	I am not a FDIC-insured bank.	"I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
405	November 4, 2007	no gag	"Treehouse of Horror XVIII"
406	November 11, 2007	There is no such thing as an iPoddy	"Little Orphan Millie"
407	November 18, 2007	The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens	"Husbands and Knives"
408	November 25, 2007	no gag	"Funeral for a Fiend"
409	December 16, 2007	The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"	"Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind"
410	January 6, 2008	Teacher did not pay too much for her condo	"E Pluribus Wiggum"
411	January 27, 2008	no gag	"That 90's Show"
412	February 17, 2008	no gag	"Love, Springfieldian Style"
413	March 2, 2008	The art teacher is fat, not pregnant	"The Debarted"
414	March 9, 2008	no gag	"Dial 'N' for Nerder"
415	March 30, 2008	no gag	"Smoke On The Daughter"
416	April 13, 2008	no gag	"Papa Don't Leech"
417	April 27, 2008	A persons a person, no mater how Ralph.	"Apocalypse Cow"
418	May 4, 2008	no gag	"Any Given Sundance"
419	May 11, 2008	This punishment is medivial.	"Mona Leaves-a"
420	MAy 18, 2008	no gag	"All About Lisa"

Season 20

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
421	September 28, 2008	no gag	"Sex, Pies And Idiot Scrapes"
422	October 5, 2008	Teachers diet is working.	"Lost Verizon"
423	October 19, 2008	There is no such month as Rocktober	"Double, Double Boy In Trouble"
424	November 2, 2008	None	"Treehouse of Horror XIX"
425	November 9, 2008	I did not see Teacher siphoning gas.	"Dangerous Curves"
426	November 16, 2008	No gag	"Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words"
427	November 30, 2008	Prosperity is just around the corner.	"Mypods and Boomsticks"
428	December 7, 2008	Jesus is not mad His birthday is on Christmas	"The Burns and the Bees"
429	January 25, 2009	I Will Not use Permanet ink on the Chalkboard	" Lisa The Drama Queen"
430	Febuary 15, 2009	HDTV is Worth Every Cent (The episode was the first one in HD)	"Take My Life, Please"
431	March 1, 2009	"March Madness" is Not an Excuse for Missing School	"How the Test Was Won"
432	March 8, 2009	"I will not have fun with educational toys."	"No Loan Again, Naturally
433	MArch 15, 2009	No gag	"Gone Maggie Gone

The Simpsons Movie

#	Airdate	Gag	Episode Name
1	July 27, 2007	I will not illegally download this movie	The Simpsons Movie