Artie Ziff
Artie Ziff
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Character Information
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Artie Ziff, voiced by Jon Lovitz and occasionally by Dan Castellaneta, was Marge Simpson’s high school prom date.
Contents
Personality
Ziff is very confident yet nerdy, self-centered and pretentious, believing himself to be the best at everything - he said that it "would damage [reputation of] the town" if Marge told people about his "busy hands", and once imagined a can-can chorus and audience made up entirely of himself. He is Jewish, once commenting that if people don't like him it's because they're Anti-Semetic. He holds a deep obsession over Marge, and has done since high school: His appearances mainly revolve around his plans to seduce her away from Homer.
Biography
High School
Artie is first seen in the flashback episode "The Way We Was" as a student at Springfield High School. He was a member of the school Debate Team (where Homer mooned him for rebuttal), and at the end of the year took Marge to the prom. He ruined a wonderful evening with his "busy hands" in the back of his car, his urges resulting in the shoulder strap of Marge's dress being torn, followed by a slap to the face and a swift end to their date. He drove Marge home.
Wealth
Many years later, in "Half-Decent Proposal", he was revealed to have become a software billionaire, becoming the fifth richest man in the country. His wealth came from a device that transformed modem noise into easy listening music. Despite his riches, Artie's life is not complete: He lives alone, and the collection of Marge-resembling art around his mansion shows that he never got over Marge rejecting him. Artie claims that he would offer a small fortune for a weekend with his childhood love, Marge, in a parody of the movie Indecent Proposal; she accepts, as the money would come in handy, and he seems harmless. He manages to trick Marge into kissing him at a full recreation of their high school prom (including most of the original guests), which Homer witnesses. She slaps Artie and leaves. After a fruitless search for Homer, who left believing that they were having an affair, she enlists Artie's help, using his helicopter to find Homer and bring him home. When they find him, Artie finally admits defeat to Homer, saying that winning Marge's love was something that he could never accomplish, even with his billions.
Ziffcorp
In "The Ziff Who Came to Dinner", the Simpsons discover that Artie is living in their attic. He reveals that he ran his company, Ziffcorp (a parody of Enron), into the ground spending investors’ money on such extravagant items as solid gold underpants. He was left penniless when the “dot-com bubble” burst, and secretly moved there to avoid capture. Homer won 98% of the company from Ziff in a game of poker; seconds later, SEC agents came to take Ziff, but they took Homer into custody instead (as he had just become the majority shareholder).
Possible Death
When Ziff eventually turned himself in, one of his first acts upon arriving in prison was to begin extinguishing other prisoners’ cigarettes with a squirt bottle (allegedly to save their lungs). Marge told the children to say goodbye to Artie, as his actions dramatically lowered his chances of survival.
Appearances
- The Way We Was (flashback)
- The Front
- Another Simpsons Clip Show (flashback)
- Half-Decent Proposal
- The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
- Take My Life, Please
