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Wikisimpsons:Previously featured quotes

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki

All previously featured quotes as well as the current featured quote.

Contents

July 5, 2010 - August 1, 2010[edit]

"Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig,
Does whatever a Spider-Pig does.
Can he swing from a web?
No, he can't, he's a pig,
Look out, he is a Spider-Pig!
"
Homer Simpson[src]

August 1, 2010 - September 1, 2010[edit]

"Me fail English? That’s unpossible."
Ralph Wiggum[src]

September 1, 2010 - October 1, 2010[edit]

Ralph is using a urinal in the gas station

"Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want."
Ralph Wiggum
"Ralph, are you almost finished?"
Seymour Skinner
"I finished before we came in."
Ralph Wiggum[src]

October 1, 2010 - November 2, 2010[edit]

"They have the Internet on computers, now?"
Homer Simpson[src]

November 2, 2010 - December 1, 2010[edit]

"Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, 'conquered' if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves."
Kent Brockman[src]

December 1, 2010 - January 1, 2011[edit]

"Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark"
Nelson Muntz[src]

January 1, 2011 - February 1, 2011[edit]

"Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours."
Homer to Bart[src]

February 1, 2011 - March 1, 2011[edit]

"English instructions ruined! Must read French instructions...."La grille"? What the hell is that?!"
Homer Simpson[src]

March 1, 2011 - June 6, 2011[edit]

"Seymour, you're fired."
Superintendent Chalmers
"Did you just call me a liar?"
Principal Skinner
"No, I said you were fired."
―Superintendent Chalmers
"Oh. That's much worse."
―Principal Skinner[src]

June 6, 2011 - July 1, 2011[edit]

"This is Arnie Pye with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge, people. Traffic going waaaay back in both directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm, because I just dropped my bagel."
―Arnie Pye[src]

July 1, 2011 - August 1, 2011[edit]

"I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"
―Homer Simpson[src]

August 1, 2011 - September 1, 2011[edit]

"So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously, big whoop, who gives a doodle, whoopy ding dong doo!"
Marge Simpson
"Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's."
Homer Simpson
"So my husband goes to a bar every night, whoopdy doo, who gives a bibble, gabba gabba hey!"
―Marge Simpson[src]

September 1, 2011 - October 1, 2011[edit]

"Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!"
Bart Simpson
"He was a zombie?"
Homer Simpson[src]

October 1, 2011 - November 1, 2011[edit]

"A thousand eyes... what could that be?"
Marge Simpson
"Hmmn, I'm pretty sure a thousand is a number."
Grampa Simpson[src]

November 1, 2011 - December 1, 2011[edit]

"To start, press any key. Well where's the "any" key?"
Homer Simpson[src]

December 1, 2011 - January 1, 2012[edit]

"The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!"
Homer Simpson[src]

January 1, 2012 - February 2, 2012[edit]

"What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them―as is my understanding..."
Bart Simpson[src]

February 2, 2012 - March 1, 2012[edit]

"Martin Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party, and I went there. Yay! My turn is over!"
Ralph Wiggum[src]

March 1, 2011 - April 1, 2012[edit]

"Hello? Operator! Give me the number for 9-1-1!"
Homer Simpson[src]

April 1, 2012[edit]

"You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert."
Peter Griffin[src]

Note: April Fools' Day prank.

April 2, 2012 - May 1, 2012[edit]

"Hmm. Whoever did this is in very deep trouble!"
Principal Skinner
"And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant."
Martin Prince, Jr.
"Good point."
―Principal Skinner[src]

May 1, 2012 - June 1, 2012[edit]

"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably! The lesson is: Never try."
Homer Simpson[src]

June 1, 2012 - July 1, 2012[edit]

"I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir, market research shows people see you as something of an ogre."
Waylon Smithers, Jr.
"I ought to club them and eat their bones!"
Mr. Burns[src]

July 1, 2012 - August 1, 2012[edit]

"Crap, we live in Oregon? I mean, Go Ducks!"
Homer Simpson[src]

August 1, 2012 - September 1, 2012[edit]

"Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
Homer Simpson[src]

September 1, 2012 - October 1, 2012[edit]

"Face it, we're just kids. We can't afford stuff with zeros in the prices."
Lisa Simpson[src]

October 1, 2012 - November 1, 2012[edit]

"The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it!"
Abraham Simpson[src]

November 1, 2012 - December 1, 2012[edit]

"Lisa likes Nelson!"
―Class
"She does not!"
Milhouse
"Milhouse likes Lisa!"
―Class
"He does not!"
Janey Powell
"Janey likes Milhouse!"
―Class
"She does not!"
Üter Zörker
"Uter likes Milhouse!"
―Class
"Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!"
Dewey Largo[src]

December 1, 2012 - January 1, 2013[edit]

"Mayor Quimby supports revolving door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for Mayor."
―Advertisement[src]

January 1, 2013 - February 1, 2013[edit]

"Wait a minute ... there's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies!"
―Homer[src]

February 1, 2013 - March 1, 2013[edit]

"Hehe, poor Bart. You know, we had a lot of fun tonight. But, there's nothing funny about... vapor lock. It's the third most common cause of stalling. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm Joe Namath. Good night."
Joe Namath[src]

March 1, 2013 - April 2, 2013[edit]

"It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map."
―Marge
"Marge, anyone can miss Canada: all tucked away down there."
―Homer[src]

April 2, 2013 - May 2, 2013[edit]

"President Bush is driving on our lawn! He must be lost."
Marge Simpson[src]

May 2, 2013 - June 1, 2013[edit]

"When I grow up, I'm going to go to Bovine University!"
Ralph Wiggum[src]

June 1, 2013 - July 1, 2013[edit]

"It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!"
Groundskeeper Willie
"You Scots sure are a contentious people."
Seymour Skinner
"You just made an enemy for life!"
―Groundskeeper Willie[src]

July 1, 2013 - August 2, 2013[edit]

"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos."
Homer Simpson[src]

August 2, 2013 - September 1, 2013[edit]

"Gotta tweet fast, Marge is making my favorite thing for dinner – food!"
Homer Simpson[src]

September 1, 2013 - October 1, 2013[edit]

"The only thing bigger than you is you tomorrow."
Bart Simpson to Homer[src]

October 1, 2013 - November 1, 2013[edit]

"Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly' and replace 'dog' with 'son'."
Lionel Hutz[src]

November 1, 2013 - December 2, 2013[edit]

"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter", you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...''"
Abraham Simpson[src]

December 2, 2013 - January 1, 2014[edit]

"This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!"
Bart Simpson[src]

January 1, 2014 - February 1, 2014[edit]

"All my daughter ever did was tell people to think for themselves. I may be her father, but when I grow up, I wanna be just like her, except still a dude."
Homer Simpson[src]

February 1, 2014 - March 1, 2014[edit]

"Bart's been raptured! And his crap's been craptured!"
Homer[src]

March 1, 2014 - May 1, 2014[edit]

"Oh, don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone."
Edna Krabappel[src]

May 1, 2014 - July 1, 2014[edit]

"Bart Simpson, will you put your hand down? You haven't had a single right answer all day."
Edna Krabappel[src]

July 1, 2014 - September 1, 2014[edit]

"Daddy, can I have this one?"
Rod Flanders
"Hmm. "Get bent"? Well, the only thing that can mean is kneel down and pray!
I'll take the whole box. Get bent, everyone!
"
Ned Flanders[src]

September 1, 2014 - October 1, 2014[edit]

"Got your nose! Heh heh heh."
Homer
"Got your wallet! [flushes it down toilet]"
Baby Bart[src]

October 1, 2014 - November 1, 2014[edit]

"Bart! You cast the wrong spell! Zombies!"
Lisa Simpson
"Please, Lis. They prefer to be called the living impaired."
Bart Simpson[src]

November 1, 2014 - December 1, 2014[edit]

"Our daughter says she's run off with your son!"
Darcy's parents to Homer and Marge
"Did she mention she was knocked up?"
―Homer
"No!"
―Darcy's father
"Whoops, sorry for the spoiler."
―Homer[src]

December 1, 2014 - January 3, 2015[edit]

"Son, one day you're going to be a great father."
Homer
"Aww. And some day, you'll be one too."
Bart[src]

January 3, 2015 - February 1, 2015[edit]

"Hah! Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"
Sideshow Bob[src]

February 1, 2015 - March 1, 2015[edit]

"The Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we’re the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grampa out."
Grampa Simpson[src]

March 1, 2015 - April 1, 2015[edit]

"Look at all these knobs and buttons... it clearly means they're a superior race."
Homer Simpson[src]

April 1, 2015 - May 1, 2015[edit]

"I'm in no condition to drive. Wait, I shouldn't listen to myself. I'm drunk!"
Homer Simpson[src]

May 1, 2015 - June 1, 2015[edit]

"Well I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species. Like three bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched."
Lisa Simpson[src]

June 1, 2015 - July 1, 2015[edit]

"Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have, consistency becomes a.. something... something.. I love you Bart!"
Homer Simpson[src]

July 1, 2015 - August 1, 2015[edit]

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."
Homer Simpson[src]

August 1, 2015 - September 1, 2015[edit]

"We've been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together!"
Homer Simpson[src]

September 1, 2015 - October 1, 2015[edit]

"Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you, so if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock."
Miss Hoover[src]

October 1, 2015 - November 1, 2015[edit]

"Whatever happened to "please" and "thank you"?"
Marge Simpson
"I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals."
Homer Simpson[src]

November 1, 2015 - December 1, 2015[edit]

"Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you, so if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock."
Miss Hoover[src]

December 1, 2015 - January 2, 2016[edit]

"Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa."
Bart Simpson[src]

January 2, 2016 - February 1, 2016[edit]

"Managers manage, and players play."
Lisa Simpson
"Do alligators alligate?"
Ralph Wiggum[src]

February 1, 2016 - March 1, 2016[edit]

"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor!"
Homer Simpson[src]

March 1, 2016 - April 1, 2016[edit]

"Hey, kids, it's story time! I'm gonna tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit: His sexual-harassment suit."
Krusty[src]

April 1, 2016 - May 1, 2016[edit]

"If I were you I wouldn't take it to the past. I lived in part of that past, and I got out for a reason."
Homer Simpson[src]

May 1, 2016 - June 1, 2016[edit]

"I've outlasted Letterman, Jon Stewart and 'McDreamy,' because I have something they don't: a costly 200-donut-a-day addiction."
Homer Simpson[src]

June 1, 2016 - July 1, 2016[edit]

"Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right. It's all his fault. I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame."
Reverend Lovejoy[src]

July 1, 2016 - August 1, 2016[edit]

"You know, Moe, my Mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment," and, God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
Homer Simpson[src]

August 1, 2016 - September 1, 2016[edit]

"School failed me? Does school have to go to summer Jimbo?"
Jimbo Jones[src]

September 1, 2016 - October 1, 2016[edit]

"All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body."
Homer Simpson[src]

October 1, 2016 - November 1, 2016[edit]

"Ah, Halloween. The one time of year when the squalor of our home works to our advantage."
Homer Simpson[src]

November 1, 2016 - December 1, 2016[edit]

"He who 'haw haws' last, 'haw haws' best."
Nelson Muntz[src]

December 1, 2016 - January 4, 2017[edit]

"We can't afford Christmas. And when you can't afford Christmas, you've failed as a family. That's what all the big stores say."
Marge Simpson[src]

January 4, 2017 - February 1, 2017[edit]

"Sour juice came out of my front tail."
Ralph Wiggum[src]

February 1, 2017 - March 1, 2017[edit]

"You have beautiful eyes."
Edmund
"They're just dots in circles."
Lisa[src]

March 1, 2017 - April 1, 2017[edit]

"How did someone so sensitive end up here?"
Marge
"Well, if you really got to know, I shot a guy named Apu."
Jack Crowley
"Oh... well, you know, lots of people shoot Apu. It's just a $100 fine now."
―Marge[src]

April 1, 2017 - May 1, 2017[edit]

"You know, dinner shouldn't be eaten in silence. It should be a time for communication."
Marge
"That's a good idea dear. Bart turn on the TV."
Homer[src]

May 1, 2017 - June 1, 2017[edit]

"To protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper."
Springfield Shopper Tour Guide
"And what per cent is that?"
Lisa
"Zero. Zero's a per cent."
―Tour Guide[src]

June 1, 2017 - July 1, 2017[edit]

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function."
Homer[src]