After tapping Gil's US Flag mark
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Ol' Gil has returned to Springfield with something both amazing and physics-defying.
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With the power of my non-patented snake oiled time machine, I give you everyone's... eh... "favorite" Commander-In-Chief!
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...shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President--
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WHAT THE -- WHAT IS THIS PLACE? WHERE DID THE OVAL OFFICE GO? AND WHY IS EVERYONE GLARING AND HISSING AT DICK NIXON?
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It must be that time of year again. Another ex-President has somehow appeared in Springfield.
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President Nixon, welcome to the year 2015. It's an honor to... that is to say, it's nice to... er, it's actually not that great to meet you.
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WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? TELL ME, AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT -- IS NIXON REMEMBERED AS AMERICA'S MOST ABHORRENT POLITICAL SCOUNDREL?
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Well, uh... kinda.
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AND ALL BLAME FOR THE SCANDAL THAT ENDED MY PRESIDENCY RESTS ON DICK NIXON'S SHOULDERS?
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Pretty much.
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Then the plan worked. And America is safe. Thank God Almighty for that.
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Wait... plan? What plan?
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DICK NIXON HAS SAID TOO MUCH! DICK NIXON WILL SAY NO MORE!
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What plan is former President Nixon referring to? What's the real story behind America's worst political scandal?
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And what do George Washington and Abraham Lincoln think of our most reviled President? Build the Scandal-gate Hotel to find out!
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After accepting the offer
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The Scandal-gate Hotel. What a groovy old crib. Make sure to order the Continental breakfast. It's far out.
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Gee, I wouldn't expect you to remember this place so fondly, Mr. President.
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Dick Nixon tries not to live in the past. The great karmic wheel turns ever onward, carrying us where it will. Just sit back and dig the ride, little sister.
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"Dig the ride?" Are you, like, doing a character right now?
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This is the real Nixon, baby. The "character" was the stuffed-shirt phony you knew as your President. That was all an act to keep "The Man" off Dick Nixon's back.
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So this is how you actually talk? It's seriously not a joke?
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Now that I'm out of the political game, I can finally let my freak flag fly. Right on. Right. On.
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It's actually pretty annoying. If you don't mind my saying so.
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Hey, you gotta speak your truth. Now let's go get some beers.
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I'm an eight-year-old girl!
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So? Nixon got a Presidential pardon. That means Nixon and all his good buddies can do whatever they want.
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That's not how that works.
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Whatever. Politics are dumb. I'm Audi 5000.
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If the offer is declined
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What kind of a patriot doesn't purchase Richard Nixon on the Fourth of July? He's America's forty-fourth most beloved President!
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To be honest, I get it. I really do. I tried to get ANYONE but Nixon. Called up Jefferson, Grant, both Roosevelts....
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But their royalty fees are too high. It's hard to get the prestigious ones. They're not as desperate.
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I did manage to sell six Nixons, at least. I hope ol' Gil can live off that income for an entire year....
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