Wikisimpsons:Previously featured quotes

All previously featured quotes as well as the current featured quote.

July 5, 2010 - August 1, 2010

"Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig,
Does whatever a Spider-Pig does.
Can he swing from a web?
No, he can't, he's a pig,
Look out, he is a Spider-Pig!"

―Homer Simpson

August 1, 2010 - September 1, 2010

"Me fail English? That’s unpossible."

―Ralph Wiggum

September 1, 2010 - October 1, 2010

Ralph is using a urinal in the gas station

"Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want."

―Ralph Wiggum

"Ralph, are you almost finished?"

―Seymour Skinner

"I finished before we came in."

―Ralph Wiggum

October 1, 2010 - November 2, 2010

"They have the Internet on computers, now?"

―Homer Simpson

November 2, 2010 - December 1, 2010

"Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, 'conquered' if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves."

―Kent Brockman

December 1, 2010 - January 1, 2011

"Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark"

―Nelson Muntz

January 1, 2011 - February 1, 2011

"Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours."

―Homer to Bart

February 1, 2011 - March 1, 2011

"English instructions ruined! Must read French instructions...."La grille"? What the hell is that?!"

―Homer Simpson

March 1, 2011 - June 6, 2011

"Seymour, you're fired."

―Superintendent Chalmers

"Did you just call me a liar?"

―Principal Skinner

"No, I said you were fired."

―Superintendent Chalmers

"Oh. That's much worse."

―Principal Skinner

June 6, 2011 - July 1, 2011

"This is Arnie Pye with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge, people. Traffic going waaaay back in both directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm, because I just dropped my bagel."

―Arnie Pye

July 1, 2011 - August 1, 2011

"I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"

―Homer Simpson

August 1, 2011 - September 1, 2011

"So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously, big whoop, who gives a doodle, whoopy ding dong doo!"

―Marge Simpson

"Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's."

―Homer Simpson

"So my husband goes to a bar every night, whoopdy doo, who gives a bibble, gabba gabba hey!"

―Marge Simpson

September 1, 2011 - October 1, 2011

"Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!"

―Bart Simpson

"He was a zombie?"

―Homer Simpson

October 1, 2011 - November 1, 2011

"A thousand eyes... what could that be?"

―Marge Simpson

"Hmmn, I'm pretty sure a thousand is a number."

―Grampa Simpson

November 1, 2011 - December 1, 2011

"To start, press any key. Well where's the "any" key?"

―Homer Simpson

December 1, 2011 - January 1, 2012

"The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!"

―Homer Simpson

January 1, 2012 - February 2, 2012

"What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them―as is my understanding..."

―Bart Simpson

February 2, 2012 - March 1, 2012

"Martin Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party, and I went there. Yay! My turn is over!"

―Ralph Wiggum

March 1, 2011 - April 1, 2012

"Hello? Operator! Give me the number for 9-1-1!"

―Homer Simpson

April 1, 2012

"You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert."

―Peter Griffin

Note: April Fools' Day prank.

April 2, 2012 - May 1, 2012

"Hmm. Whoever did this is in very deep trouble!"

―Principal Skinner

"And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant."

―Martin Prince, Jr.

"Good point."

―Principal Skinner

May 1, 2012 - June 1, 2012

"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably! The lesson is: Never try."

―Homer Simpson

June 1, 2012 - July 1, 2012

"I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir, market research shows people see you as something of an ogre."

―Waylon Smithers, Jr.

"I ought to club them and eat their bones!"

―Mr. Burns

July 1, 2012 - August 1, 2012

"Crap, we live in Oregon? I mean, Go Ducks!"

―Homer Simpson

August 1, 2012 - September 1, 2012

"Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

―Homer Simpson

September 1, 2012 - October 1, 2012

"Face it, we're just kids. We can't afford stuff with zeros in the prices."

―Lisa Simpson

October 1, 2012 - November 1, 2012

"The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it!"

―Abraham Simpson

November 1, 2012 - December 1, 2012

"Lisa likes Nelson!"

―Class

"She does not!"

―Milhouse

"Milhouse likes Lisa!"

―Class

"He does not!"

―Janey Powell

"Janey likes Milhouse!"

―Class

"She does not!"

―Üter Zörker

"Uter likes Milhouse!"

―Class

"Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!"

―Dewey Largo

December 1, 2012 - January 1, 2013

"Mayor Quimby supports revolving door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for Mayor."

―Advertisement

January 1, 2013 - February 1, 2013

"Wait a minute ... there's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies!"

―Homer

February 1, 2013 - March 1, 2013

"Hehe, poor Bart. You know, we had a lot of fun tonight. But, there's nothing funny about... vapor lock. It's the third most common cause of stalling. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm Joe Namath. Good night."

―Joe Namath

March 1, 2013 - April 2, 2013

"It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map."

―Marge

"Marge, anyone can miss Canada: all tucked away down there."

―Homer

April 2, 2013 - May 2, 2013

"President Bush is driving on our lawn! He must be lost."

―Marge Simpson

May 2, 2013 - June 1, 2013

"When I grow up, I'm going to go to Bovine University!"

―Ralph Wiggum

June 1, 2013 - July 1, 2013

"It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!"

―Groundskeeper Willie

"You Scots sure are a contentious people."

―Seymour Skinner

"You just made an enemy for life!"

―Groundskeeper Willie

July 1, 2013 - August 2, 2013

"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos."

―Homer Simpson

August 2, 2013 - September 1, 2013

"Gotta tweet fast, Marge is making my favorite thing for dinner – food!"

―Homer Simpson

September 1, 2013 - October 1, 2013

"The only thing bigger than you is you tomorrow."

―Bart Simpson to Homer

October 1, 2013 - November 1, 2013

"Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly' and replace 'dog' with 'son'."

―Lionel Hutz

November 1, 2013 - December 2, 2013

"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter", you'd say.

Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...''"

―Abraham Simpson

December 2, 2013 - January 1, 2014

"This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!"

―Bart Simpson

January 1, 2014 - February 1, 2014

"All my daughter ever did was tell people to think for themselves. I may be her father, but when I grow up, I wanna be just like her, except still a dude."

―Homer Simpson

February 1, 2014 - March 1, 2014

"Bart's been raptured! And his crap's been craptured!"

―Homer

March 1, 2014 - May 1, 2014

"Oh, don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone."

―Edna Krabappel

May 1, 2014 - July 1, 2014

"Bart Simpson, will you put your hand down? You haven't had a single right answer all day."

―Edna Krabappel

July 1, 2014 - September 1, 2014

"Daddy, can I have this one?"

―Rod Flanders

"Hmm. "Get bent"? Well, the only thing that can mean is kneel down and pray!
I'll take the whole box. Get bent, everyone!"

―Ned Flanders

September 1, 2014 - October 1, 2014

"Got your nose! Heh heh heh."

―Homer

"Got your wallet! [flushes it down toilet]"

―Baby Bart

October 1, 2014 - November 1, 2014

"Bart! You cast the wrong spell! Zombies!"

―Lisa Simpson

"Please, Lis. They prefer to be called the living impaired."

―Bart Simpson

November 1, 2014 - December 1, 2014

"Our daughter says she's run off with your son!"

―Darcy's parents to Homer and Marge

"Did she mention she was knocked up?"

―Homer

"No!"

―Darcy's father

"Whoops, sorry for the spoiler."

―Homer

December 1, 2014 - January 3, 2015

"Son, one day you're going to be a great father."

―Homer

"Aww. And some day, you'll be one too."

―Bart

January 3, 2015 - February 1, 2015

"Hah! Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"

―Sideshow Bob

February 1, 2015 - March 1, 2015

"The Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we’re the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grampa out."

―Grampa Simpson

March 1, 2015 - April 1, 2015

"Look at all these knobs and buttons... it clearly means they're a superior race."

―Homer Simpson

April 1, 2015 - May 1, 2015

"I'm in no condition to drive. Wait, I shouldn't listen to myself. I'm drunk!"

―Homer Simpson

May 1, 2015 - June 1, 2015

"Well I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species. Like three bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched."

―Lisa Simpson

June 1, 2015 - July 1, 2015

"Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have, consistency becomes a.. something... something.. I love you Bart!"

―Homer Simpson

July 1, 2015 - August 1, 2015

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

―Homer Simpson

August 1, 2015 - September 1, 2015

"We've been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together!"

―Homer Simpson

September 1, 2015 - October 1, 2015

"Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you, so if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock."

―Miss Hoover

October 1, 2015 - November 1, 2015

"Whatever happened to "please" and "thank you"?"

―Marge Simpson

"I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals."

―Homer Simpson

November 1, 2015 - December 1, 2015

"Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you, so if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock."

―Miss Hoover

December 1, 2015 - January 2, 2016

"Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa."

―Bart Simpson

January 2, 2016 - February 1, 2016

"Managers manage, and players play."

―Lisa Simpson

"Do alligators alligate?"

―Ralph Wiggum

February 1, 2016 - March 1, 2016

"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor!"

―Homer Simpson

March 1, 2016 - April 1, 2016

"Hey, kids, it's story time! I'm gonna tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit: His sexual-harassment suit."

―Krusty

April 1, 2016 - May 1, 2016

"If I were you I wouldn't take it to the past. I lived in part of that past, and I got out for a reason."

―Homer Simpson

May 1, 2016 - June 1, 2016

"I've outlasted Letterman, Jon Stewart and 'McDreamy,' because I have something they don't: a costly 200-donut-a-day addiction."

―Homer Simpson

June 1, 2016 - July 1, 2016

"Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right. It's all his fault. I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame."

―Reverend Lovejoy

July 1, 2016 - August 1, 2016

"You know, Moe, my Mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment," and, God bless her soul, she was really onto something."

―Homer Simpson

August 1, 2016 - September 1, 2016

"School failed me? Does school have to go to summer Jimbo?"

―Jimbo Jones

September 1, 2016 - October 1, 2016

"All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body."

―Homer Simpson

October 1, 2016 - November 1, 2016

"Ah, Halloween. The one time of year when the squalor of our home works to our advantage."

―Homer Simpson

November 1, 2016 - December 1, 2016

"He who 'haw haws' last, 'haw haws' best."

―Nelson Muntz

December 1, 2016 - January 4, 2017

"We can't afford Christmas. And when you can't afford Christmas, you've failed as a family. That's what all the big stores say."

―Marge Simpson

January 4, 2017 - February 1, 2017

"Sour juice came out of my front tail."

―Ralph Wiggum

February 1, 2017 - March 1, 2017

"You have beautiful eyes."

―Edmund

"They're just dots in circles."

―Lisa

March 1, 2017 - April 1, 2017

"How did someone so sensitive end up here?"

―Marge

"Well, if you really got to know, I shot a guy named Apu."

―Jack Crowley

"Oh... well, you know, lots of people shoot Apu. It's just a $100 fine now."

―Marge

April 1, 2017 - May 1, 2017

"You know, dinner shouldn't be eaten in silence. It should be a time for communication."

―Marge

"That's a good idea dear. Bart turn on the TV."

―Homer

May 1, 2017 - June 1, 2017

"To protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper."

―Springfield Shopper Tour Guide

"And what per cent is that?"

―Lisa

"Zero. Zero's a per cent."

―Tour Guide

June 1, 2017 - July 1, 2017

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function."

―Homer

July 1, 2017 - August 1, 2017

"I'm a rage-aholic. I just can't live without rage-ahol!"

―Homer

August 1, 2017 - September 1, 2017

"Mom, I'm gonna give you life the way I imagine you gave me life: by pressing alt-F5 repeatedly."

―Shadow Knight

September 1, 2017 - October 1, 2017

"A man who envies our family is a man who needs help."

―Lisa

October 1, 2017 - November 1, 2017

"I feel so guilty! I've mangled and maimed 37 people and I told a telemarketer I was busy when I wasn't! I'm not a good man."

―Golem

"He sure is neurotic for a monster."

―Lisa

November 1, 2017 - December 1, 2017

"Attention, students, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one."

―Skinner

December 1, 2017 - January 4, 2018

"All aboard the Polar Express! Direct service to the North Pole, with stops at Candy Cane Corners, Sugarplum Square, Jack Frost Junction, Fa La La La Lane, Nutcracker Street, and Hanukah Heights."

―Otto (as Polar Express conductor)

"Some "express.""

―Bart

January 4, 2018 - February 1, 2018

"Take him away, boys."

―Bart

"Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys."

―Chief Wiggum

February 1, 2018 - March 1, 2018

"We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy."

―Milhouse

March 1, 2018 - April 1, 2018

"Ladies and gentlemen, what you're seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stands for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property -- are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?"

―Kent Brockman

April 1, 2018 - May 1, 2018

"My mom says I'm cool!"

―Milhouse Van Houten

May 1, 2018 - June 1, 2018

"I just have to accept that you're never going to change."

―Marge (to Homer)

"No, I changed before! I lost my hair and got fat!"

―Homer

June 1, 2018 - July 1, 2018

"Back you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me. And maybe the boy."

―Homer

July 1, 2018 - August 1, 2018

"You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving."

―Prof. Frink

August 1, 2018 - September 1, 2018

"Attention, passengers. Please prepare for our landing in Tanzania. [gets a note] I'm sorry, it is now called New Zanzibar. [Gets Another Note] Excuse me. It is now called Pepsi Presents New Zanzibar."

―African Flight Attendant~

September 1, 2018 - October 1, 2018

"Um, if anybody finds a grenade without a pin, that's mine."

―Iggy Wiggum

October 1, 2018 - November 2, 2018

"Oh my God, space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!"

―Homer

November 2, 2018 - December 3, 2018

"Sweetie, sometimes a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart. It's not your fault, it's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything."

―Margarine of Aragon

"So grow a penis or get lost."

―Henry VIII

December 3, 2018 - January 4, 2019

"Boys, I'm a deadbeat Dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas... the only thing worth anything in my life is you."

―Bart Simpson

"Oh Dad!"

―Skippy Simpson

"You've taught us the meaning of Christmas, which schools are forbidden to tell us any more."

―Jiff Simpson

January 4, 2019 - February 3, 2019

"Sir, we've been here six times this month."

―Fireman

"Yeah, but uh-- One of those I dialed 9-1-1 by mistake, but I was too embarrassed to admit it, so I set the house on fire. It feels good to tell the truth. No, I'm lying again, it feels bad."

―Homer

February 3, 2019 - March 4, 2019

"Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you are handsome!"

―Lurleen Lumpkin

"Hey! [relaxes] Oh, you meant that as a compliment."

―Homer

March 4, 2019 - May 1, 2019

"I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after "To Kill A Mockingbird" gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?"

―Homer

May 1, 2019 - June 1, 2019

"All right, brain, you don't like me and I don't like you. But let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."

―Homer Simpson

June 1, 2019 - July 1, 2019

"I'm so embarrassed. I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die."

―Marge

"Okay, throw her in the hole."

―Guard

"Oh, please. It was just a figure of speech."

―Marge

July 1, 2019 - August 2, 2019

"Okay, Homer, you watch the screen while I take a quick A.P."

―The Detonator

"What's an A.P.?"

―Homer

"It's a gamer abbreviation for "a pee.""

―Bart

"Nerd lingo. Saves so much time."

―Homer

August 2, 2019 - September 1, 2019

"You need to read between the lines."

―Marge

"Why? There's just white space there."

―Homer

September 1, 2019 - October 1, 2019

"My hair! You chopped off my hair! Oh God I'm ugly!"

―Homer

October 1, 2019 - November 2, 2019

"Quick! We have to kill the boy!"

―Grampa

"How'd you know he's a vampire?"

―Marge

"He's a vampire?! Aaaahhhh!"

―Grampa

November 2, 2019 - December 1, 2019

"Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead."

―Louie

"No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes. You see..."

―Fat Tony

"Fat Tony, please, no! I just ate a huge plate of dingamagoo."

―Louie

December 1, 2019 - January 2, 2020

"Hoy, hoy, hoy. I ride on a pig. Don't forget to leave me porridge!"

―Norwegian Santa

"Ugh, I've got it set on Norwegian."

―Marge

January 2, 2020 - February 1, 2020

"Full speed ahead! Damn the torpedoes!"

―Bart

"What did he say? Put on our tuxedoes?"

―Grampa

"I want some taquitos."

―Old Jewish man

February 1, 2020 - March 1, 2020

"Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins."

―Billy Corgan

"Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

―Homer Simpson

March 1, 2020 - April 2, 2020

"Another billionaire? How did he make his money? Paraffin? Castor oil? Whale bone corsets for the woman who dares?"

―Mr. Burns

"Actually, cryptocurrency."

―Smithers

"Oh, I know about cryptocurrency. I have it in my crypt."

―Mr. Burns

April 2, 2020 - May 1, 2020

"All Springfielders should now move off the streets and inside their homes. Please avoid the superstitious panic which marked the recent lunar eclipse."

―Kent Brockman

"[to Grampa] Sorry, Dad. I was afraid the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up."

―Homer

"You idjit! The dragon always coughs the moon back up!"

―Grampa Simpson

May 1, 2020 - June 1, 2020

"Homer... use... the forrr.."

―Mark Hamill

"The force?!"

―Homer

"The forks... use the forks...!"

―Mark Hamill

June 1, 2020 - July 1, 2020

"Now return to your homes and never make plans again."

―Homer Simpson

July 1, 2020 - August 1, 2020

"Little kids aren't supposed to have heart attacks! They're supposed to skin their knees, or poke their eyes out, or get smothered by cats!"

―Homer Simpson

August 1, 2020 - September 1, 2020

"If my parents are lost at sea, are you gonna find them?"

―Milhouse

"We'll try, but... have you ever been to the sea? It's huge."

―First Officer

"And we have to search all of them -- 'cause they all, you know, connect."

―Second Officer

September 1, 2020 - October 1, 2020

"Is it our anniversary? No, we don't have one this year."

―Homer

October 1, 2020 -

"So, you like donuts, eh?"

―Demon technician

"Uh, huh."

―Homer Simpson

"Well! Have all the donuts in the world!!"

―Demon technician