Difference between revisions of "Bartman Begins/Quotes"

Revision as of 22:18, October 9, 2024

[Introduction Cutscene]

Bart: Hello, pathetic store nerd! One copy of Grand Theft Scratchy, please!

Squeaky-voiced teen: Uh, sorry sir. That game is rated M!

Bart: No problem. I have ID.

Squeaky-voiced teen: This is a "'Cal's Calzone Zone' frequent Calzone-eaters card."

Bart: There's a free Calzone in it for you.

Squeaky-voiced teen: This never happened.

Bart: Wow. Teenagers are so dumb!

Marge: Bart, what are you doing near a video game store? Buying a video game?! Oh!

Marge: I've heard about this! It's the game where you play a Meanie-bo-beanie that murders other Meanie-bo-beanies! I'm putting this game in the same place I put your swimsuit magazines and your BB gun -- Homer's underwear drawer.

Bart: (MOANS)

Bart: Great! Now I've nothing to play except the games I bought yesterday. And I'm totally sick of them!

Bart: The Simpsons Game. Hmm...This is so weird! The only "Simpsons Game" I can think of is the one where we all pretend Dad isn't an alcoholic. What could it be!?

Bart: Wait a sec! This is the manual for a video game set in Springfield! And Dad is a character! And so is Mom...and Lisa. Who'd want to play her? Whoa, I'm in this game! I wonder what my moves are? Jumping, floating...Man, I gotta try this!

Bart: Wow! This is the only good book ever written!

Homer: Hey, boy. Look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey, what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning on coming home like that, don't bother.

Bart: Dad, I'm a super hero now, and I have all these awesome powers!

Homer: Super powers, huh? Well, that's cool, I guess. I was gonna go shoot bats while reading swimsuit magazines in this cave. Wanna come with?

[Homer and Bart inside the cave]

Bart: That you've been hanging out down here both weirds me out and makes me jealous

Bart: This is so great! I didn't think I'd start hanging out in caves 'til I was an adult.

Bart: Cool! I'm lurking around in a cave, just like the real Batman...I mean Bartman. I hope DC didn't hear that.

Homer: Uhh, maybe don't tell your Mom about the cave and the swimsuit magazines. The bats are okay, though.

Homer: I've always felt most comfortable in caves and ditches.

Homer: Finding this cave was a life-changing experience for me. Or did Moe find it? Who cares? Stupid cave.

Homer: Darn it -- a CHUD took my BB gun!

Homer: Now where did I leave that gun?

[Homer and Bart inside the Museum Temple]

Bart: Whoa! This room would be a great place for a skate park!

Bart: This place is amazing! Someone did their research, I assume.

Bart: They're digging in the right place!

Homer: Wow so this is the future.

Homer: Oooh! A temple! I hope there's latkes!

Homer: This place is impressive, but it just doesn't feel lived in.

Homer: Hey, I wonder who invented this place; probably Einstein.

Homer: You know, despite the human sacrifice, these Aztecs were O.K.

Homer: Where's the monkey cage?

Homer: Hmm, this requires trying, better leave it to Bart.

Homer: Bart, you deal with the slidy shelves! I don't wanna!

Homer: Going down.

Homer: When I step on these things, I go down. I'm a freaking genius!

Homer: I'm gonna hold my breath. You count. How long was that?

Homer: Can you see where they keep the beer from up there?!

Homer:Bart, I'm bored! Entertain me! Pleeeaaase!

Homer: Hey Bart, which one is the smart one, me or Lisa?

Homer: You ever wonder what our lives would be like if we were gypsy kings? I do.

Homer: What the heck?!

Homer: Bart, it's not polite to walk on the walls. You'll get 'em finger-printy.

Homer: Don't leave me down here! There might be spiders!

Homer: I think that's too high for me to jump.

Homer: Little help?

Homer: While you're living it up, I'm stuck down here like a sucker.

Homer: Stop crying, little Barty! Daddy's coming and he's never going to let you go again!

Homer: You did it, Bart! You saved me! after leaving me behind to rot, why you little. sweet, dear boy. I can't stay mad at you!

Bart: Just thought I'd drop in.

Bart: With my courage and your ability to be fat and stand in place, we can do anything!

Bart: All that's standing in between us and our mission is this glass.

Bart: It would be kind of embarrassing if I were thwarted by this piece of glass.

Bart: Open sesame!

Homer: I didn't know you spoke Greek.

Dolph: Hey Bartman, you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? I bet not.

[Homer and Bart reacting to the woman statue]

Homer: Bart, you're too young to be on that platform!

Homer: Bart, I've been meaning to talk to you about the special feelings you may be feeling about that platform.

Homer: Oh, why does Bart always get the sexy platforms?

Homer: (GIGGLES) Boobs!

Bart: Today I am a man.

Bart: Suddenly I get every dirty joke I've ever heard.

[Homer and Bart inside the Dinosaur Exhibit]

Homer: We should always give thanks to Van Helsing for killing all the dinosaurs.

Homer: Isn't it amazing that we all evolved from the stuff in this room?

Homer: (SCREAMS) Mr. Burns!

Homer: Nice dinosaur...good dinosaur...

Homer: I hope my bones will be this useful some day.

Homer: Go, Bart, go!

Homer: Bart looks like a graceful Mikhail Baryshnikov!

Homer: Way to go, Bart! But don't show me up!

Bart: Homer, hurry! There's some bacon grease to lick off the skull!

Bart: Homer, I need your fat ass up here!

Bart: Homer, come here! I need your obesity!

Bart: Hey, it's those bones Flanders said God planted in the ground to fool us!

Bart: I never knew volcanoes were so bouncy!

Bart: Whoa! I feel like magma!

Bart: Holy Shakira, that thing's creepy!

Bart: Ehhhh, Frankenstein's bones!

Bart: You can't hide behind that flap of hair forever!

Bart: Locked, huh? Who needs doors anyway?

Bart: If I can't get through this door, I'll just have to find another way.

Bart: If only there was some way to adjust the range on my slingshot.

Bart: This reminds me of that old saying --, "if your slingshot doesn't shoot far enough, you need to adjust it somehow."

[Bart turning into Robo-Bart]

Bart: A Bartman could get used to this.

Bart: Now that's what I call a power up!

[Homer and Bart inside the Diorama Exhibit]

Homer: The world was a better place before pants.

Homer: It's weird to think man used to be violent.

Homer: Guns? Germs? Steel? This museum has it all!

Bart: Crude, but effective.

Bart: Cannons don't get enough respect.

[Homer and Bart inside the Planetarium]

Homer: I wonder what these balls represent.

Homer: This is supposed to be outer space? Where are all the giant space ants?

Homer: I'm not going up there! I've got too much dignity and fear.

Homer: You'd have to be crazy to go up there, and I'm merely stupid.

Homer: Don't look down, Bart, or you'll mess yourself!

Homer: If you fall, try and use my love as a parachute!

Homer: Keep it up, Bart! You're almost there!

Bart: I wonder which planet is the toilet. I gotta take a Bart-whiz.

Bart: Seeing the grandeur of the solar system really makes you feel like a big nothing.

Bart: I wonder which one of these balls is the world.

Bart: Mind if I hitch a ride?

Bart: A space bus - yeah, right.

Bart: I can't believe they built the space shuttle without lasers guns! What a waste!

Bart: I'm sorry, Jimbo. I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

Bart: Hey Homer, little help?!

Bart: If only there were a really fat guy who could help me.

[Dolph]

Dolph: Careful where you step. I lost a contact.

Dolph: Do you seriously think you can defeat three elementary school bullies?

Dolph: I hope you're not following me, 'cause I'm following you.

Dolph: What're you gonna use against me? Your powers?

Dolph: Simpson, you're a joke - and I'm not talking about a dirty joke. Those are good. A stupid joke!

Dolph: Give it up, Bart. I was all-state hide-and-seek champ.

Dolph: I'm not afraid of you, I'm nonplussed by you.

Dolph: My worst nightmare's come true!

[Kearney]

Kearney: Bart Simpson, huh? I thought I smelled loser.

Kearney: Well, if it isn't Bart Simpson. Which side of the law are you on today?

Kearney: Bart Simpson in a museum? Now I've seen everything.

Kearney: I'm like fruit in a smoothie - I totally blend in.

Kearney: I have an itch that is driving me crazy.

Kearney: You guys aren't exactly the Hardy boys, are you?

Kearney: A bone as a weapon, I'll have to remember that.

Kearney: This moat reminds me of the gap between me and my son.

Kearney: I don't like the way that donkey's looking at me.

Kearney: Ooh ooh Ah aah ahh hah!

Kearney: What a fascinating slice of life!

Kearney: Retreat!

Kearney: Ah, you never see fathers and sons getting their butts kicked together anymore.

Kearney: It's sweet you guys are going to get your butts kicked together.

Kearney: You know, you guys don't look that much alike.

Kearney: The family that gets punched together, is creamed together.

Kearney: Let me introduce my fist!

Kearney: I hope Karma doesn't see this!

Kearney: My superpower is anger!

Kearney: Look at me, I'm Walker, Texas Ranger!

Kearney: You want a piece of me?!

[Kearney taunting Bart]

Kearney: Just give up! You're in over your head!

Bart: If you were talking about school I'd agree!

Kearney: Am I moving too fast for you?!

Bart: No, you're moving too stupid!

Kearney: Newsflash - you're a loser!

Bart: Don't listen to him, me - you're awesome!

[Jimbo inside the Planetarium]

Jimbo Jones: Bart, you look so insignificant from up here!

Jimbo Jones: Look! Up here! I'm in the Oort belt, dingus!

Jimbo Jones: I'm totally going to knock you out of your orbit!

[Museum Guards]

Museum Guard: You want some of this, pally?!

Museum Guard: Don't worry, they love fat guys and kids in jail!

Museum Guard: You messed with the wrong pally, boy-o!

Museum Guard: Where are my manners? Let me introduce you to my nightstick!

Museum Guard: Well, if it isn't fat man and little boy.

Museum Guard: You've offended my delicate sensibilities.

Museum Guard: Taking out the trash is part of the job.

Museum Guard: You didn't make the suggested donation.

Museum Guard: We can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Museum Guard: Let me show you to the exit.

Museum Guard: Nice.

Museum Guard: This museum has a strict "no punk" policy.

Museum Guard: Could you at least dust while you're up there?

Museum Guard: What goes up must come down.

Sideshow Mel: Look! A rogue buffoon and his delinquent son!

Sideshow Mel: Intruders have disregarded our hours of operation!

Sideshow Mel: The security of the museum is in breach! Grave, perilous breach!

Sideshow Mel: God help us, there are barbarians beyond the gate!

Sideshow Mel: Give up now and no one need be hurt emotionally!

Sideshow Mel: Assistance! Au secours!

Sideshow Mel: Halt! Surrender any weapons and preconceived notions about museum guards!

Sideshow Mel: Beware! I've unleashed the beast within!

Sideshow Mel: No hitting below the bone!

Sideshow Mel: I am opening a jar of whoop derriere!

Sideshow Mel: I haven't mixed it up since I was banned from the Ultimate Fighting Championships!

Sideshow Mel: Prepare for the slapping of a lifetime!

Sideshow Mel: My safe word is "NutraSweet!"

Sideshow Mel: I warn you, I've studied under a Shaolin! It was Method Man!

Sideshow Mel: This ends here!

Sideshow Mel: Bad news. You caught me in a killing kind of mood!

Sideshow Mel: Don't mistake bravado for pussy-ness!

Sideshow Mel: At least if I get hurt, I'll feel something!

Sideshow Mel: I am frequently underestimated, never imitated!

Sideshow Mel: Could I tempt you down with some homemade biscotti?!

Sideshow Mel: Please stop! The docents will have my head!

Sideshow Mel: I'll thank you not to treat our displays as common showpieces!

Sideshow Mel: Leave the displays alone! Take me instead!

[Museum Guards reacting to Bart climbing]

Museum Guard: The displays are for lookin', not climbin'!

Museum Guard: Climbing around on the displays. What were you, raised in a barn?

Museum Guard: Careful, if you fall the museum's liable!

Museum Guard: I'd climb up there after you if it weren't for my damn vertigo!

Museum Guard: I've always wondered, how's the view up there?

[The Bullies Scheme]

Jimbo Jones: Remember, people, we came to this museum to steal, not learn. Don't look at any of the displays! Stay focused!

Bart: Come on, let's get outta here and find a situation where my new super powers could be useful.

Homer: I think Lenny needs help moving! Dude's got a huge futon!

Bart: Wait! Maybe I should stop the bullies from robbing the museum.

Homer: You're the Dark Avenger of the Night.

[Homer and Bart attacking the guards]

Homer: Marge told me to stop attacking guards.

Homer: Our mission is to stop the bullies. (torn) But I do love beating guards.

Homer: Oh no, the pretend police are mad.

Homer: I thought you guys were supposed to be courteous.

Homer: Say what you will. I like me.

Homer: I'm going to try and not take that personally.

Homer: Take it back!

Homer: You're supposed to guard, not taunt.

Homer: Well, I hope you die!

Homer: I'll make you eat those words! Mmm...words.

Homer: You are off my Christmas list - starting next year!

Homer: I'm hard enough on myself!

Homer: (LAUGHS) Funny man go boom.

Homer: Now who stinks?!

Homer: I wish I could lie down.

Homer: That's how I roll!

Homer: Nice one, guard tard!

Homer: Don't stay down too long, they'll dock your pay.

Homer: That's my boy!

Homer: Way to give them guff!

Homer: That's a good, healthy hatred of authority.

Homer: Aww, I had twenty bucks on the guard.

Homer: I wish my Dad had taken me brawling.

Homer: They become deadly fighting machines so fast.

Bart: Technically they're on our side, but let's get 'em anyway.

Bart: These guards will be like an amuse bouche before we get to the main course.

Bart: Sorry, did I wake you?

Bart: You aren't even able to guard your dignity!

Bart: I'll call you when I need directions to the can.

Bart: If the uniform makes the man, you must be a pretty crappy man.

Bart: Yeah, my superpowers are no match for your flashlight.

Bart: I've heard better taunts from Ralph.

Bart: Scum!!!!!

Bart: Don't say things you can't take back.

Bart: You're a disgrace to the plastic badge.

Bart: Next time you'll think twice about doing your job!

Bart: Sleep well, sweet idiot.

Bart: I am the greatest!

Bart: Good idea. You guard the floor.

Bart: I hope he has health insurance.

Bart: Nicely done, Dad!

Bart: Way to throw your weight around, Homer!

Bart: Good use of violence, Dad!

Bart: I hope the security cameras didn't see that, Dad!

Bart: I told Mom you weren't a complete loser!

[Museum Diorama Narration]

Male Museum Narrator: Welcome to Springfield Museum's History of Man!

Female Museum Narrator: And woman!

Male Museum Narrator: And woman.

Male Museum Narrator: Our first diorama depicts early man. One of the traits that set our human forefathers apart was the emergence of the four-fingered hand we know today.

Male Museum Narrator: The Middles Ages were a turbulent time as the vestiges of the Roman Empire smoldered. Castle storming was all the rage. If you weren't storming a castle, you were worse than a loser.

Male Museum Narrator: We continue to the story of Jebediah Springfield -- the noble founder of Springfield despite facts uncovered by the troublemaker, Lisa Simpson, proving he was actually a bloodthirsty pirate. so forget the last part of my statement, okay?

[Planetarium Narration]

Planetarium Narrator: The sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a giant nuclear furnace.

Planetarium Narrator: Mercury was named for the Roman god Mercury, a winged messenger.

Planetarium Narrator: The thick clouds that cover Venus create a greenhouse effect that keeps it at a toasty 864°F.

Planetarium Narrator: If you weigh 100 pounds on Earth, you would weigh 38 pounds on Mars due to the smaller mass of the red planet.

Planetarium Narrator: A belt of asteroids separate the four inner planets from the five outer planets. My belt separates my gut from my junk.

Planetarium Narrator: Saturn's seven rings are made of billions of ice particles...just like the heart of my ex-wife.

Planetarium Narrator: Constant storms rage on the surface of Neptune. Who do I have to screw to get a cup of coffee around here? I've been recording this stuff for hours! Yeesh!

Planetarium Narrator: Pluto is the only planet not yet studied closely by a space probe. 'Cause it's bor-ring.

Planetarium Narrator: How often are you supposed to wash your hair? It's bad if you do it everyday, right?

Planetarium Narrator: In college, I ate another guy's barf to get into a fraternity.

Planetarium Narrator: Armageddon - best second act in movie history.

Planetarium Narrator: What's with Flavor Flav and the clock?

Planetarium Narrator: Funny story. I killed the guy who's supposed to make me read the stuff about the planets.

[Ending Cutscene]

Jimbo Jones: Stop freaking me out with your unusual gliding and slingshot abilities! We're just henchmen, man! Skinner hired us!

Bart: Principal Skinner?!

Principal Skinner: Yes, it is I! I mean me! No, it is I, yes. The city cut our science budget so much, I needed to steal from the museum just to have visual aids!

Homer: I've never heard of such an evil plan! You're like if the Iron Sheik had a baby with Rowdy Roddy Piper! Times a billion!

Principal Skinner: This Assaraptor's Coccyx would have inspired a generation of students to fall in love with science. Oh well, looks like it's jail for me.

Chief Wiggum: Sorry, sorry. We would have been here sooner, but I can't get the hang of this dang mapquest. Turns out there's a north and a south Elton Avenue. Really messed me up!

Bart: You've learned a valuable lesson, Skinner - confessing to crime doesn't pay. Book 'im, Wiggum.

Chief Wiggum: I know I'm supposed to book him. Gosh, you don't have to be such a jerk.

Bart: (CHUCKLING)I think I'm going to like having unbelievable super powers!