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Bartman Begins/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
- [Introduction Cutscene]
- Bart: Hello, pathetic store nerd! One copy of Grand Theft Scratchy, please!
- Squeaky-voiced teen: Uh, sorry sir. That game is rated M!
- Bart: No problem. I have ID.
- Squeaky-voiced teen: This is a "'Cal's Calzone Zone' frequent Calzone-eaters card."
- Bart: There's a free Calzone in it for you.
- Squeaky-voiced teen: This never happened.
- Bart: Wow. Teenagers are so dumb!
- Marge: Bart, what are you doing near a video game store? Buying a video game?! Oh!
- Marge: I've heard about this! It's the game where you play a Meanie-bo-beanie that murders other Meanie-bo-beanies! I'm putting this game in the same place I put your swimsuit magazines and your BB gun -- Homer's underwear drawer.
- Bart: (MOANS)
- Bart: Great! Now I've nothing to play except the games I bought yesterday. And I'm totally sick of them!
- Bart: The Simpsons Game. Hmm...This is so weird! The only "Simpsons Game" I can think of is the one where we all pretend Dad isn't an alcoholic. What could it be!?
- Bart: Wait a sec! This is the manual for a video game set in Springfield! And Dad is a character! And so is Mom...and Lisa. Who'd want to play her? Whoa, I'm in this game! I wonder what my moves are? Jumping, floating...Man, I gotta try this!
- Bart: Wow! This is the only good book ever written!
- Homer: Hey, boy. Look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey, what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning on coming home like that, don't bother.
- Bart: Dad, I'm a super hero now, and I have all these awesome powers!
- Homer: Super powers, huh? Well, that's cool, I guess. I was gonna go shoot bats while reading swimsuit magazines in this cave. Wanna come with?
- [Homer and Bart inside the cave]
- Bart: That you've been hanging out down here both weirds me out and makes me jealous
- Bart: This is so great! I didn't think I'd start hanging out in caves 'til I was an adult.
- Bart: Cool! I'm lurking around in a cave, just like the real Batman...I mean Bartman. I hope DC didn't hear that.
- Homer: Uhh, maybe don't tell your Mom about the cave and the swimsuit magazines. The bats are okay, though.
- Homer: I've always felt most comfortable in caves and ditches.
- Homer: Finding this cave was a life-changing experience for me. Or did Moe find it? Who cares? Stupid cave.
- Homer: Darn it -- a CHUD took my BB gun!
- Homer: Now where did I leave that gun?
- [Homer and Bart inside the Museum Temple]
- Bart: Whoa! This room would be a great place for a skate park!
- Bart: This place is amazing! Someone did their research, I assume.
- Bart: They're digging in the right place!
- Homer: Wow so this is the future.
- Homer: Oooh! A temple! I hope there's latkes!
- Homer: This place is impressive, but it just doesn't feel lived in.
- Homer: Hey, I wonder who invented this place; probably Einstein.
- Homer: You know, despite the human sacrifice, these Aztecs were O.K.
- Homer: Where's the monkey cage?
- Homer: Hmm, this requires trying, better leave it to Bart.
- Homer: Bart, you deal with the slidy shelves! I don't wanna!
- Homer: Going down.
- Homer: When I step on these things, I go down. I'm a freaking genius!
- Homer: I'm gonna hold my breath. You count. How long was that?
- Homer: Can you see where they keep the beer from up there?!
- Homer:Bart, I'm bored! Entertain me! Pleeeaaase!
- Homer: Hey Bart, which one is the smart one, me or Lisa?
- Homer: You ever wonder what our lives would be like if we were gypsy kings? I do.
- Homer: What the heck?!
- Homer: Bart, it's not polite to walk on the walls. You'll get 'em finger-printy.
- Homer: Don't leave me down here! There might be spiders!
- Homer: I think that's too high for me to jump.
- Homer: Little help?
- Homer: While you're living it up, I'm stuck down here like a sucker.
- Homer: Stop crying, little Barty! Daddy's coming and he's never going to let you go again!
- Homer: You did it, Bart! You saved me! after leaving me behind to rot, why you little. sweet, dear boy. I can't stay mad at you!
- Bart: Just thought I'd drop in.
- Bart: With my courage and your ability to be fat and stand in place, we can do anything!
- Bart: All that's standing in between us and our mission is this glass.
- Bart: It would be kind of embarrassing if I were thwarted by this piece of glass.
- Bart: Open sesame!
- Homer: I didn't know you spoke Greek.
- Dolph: Hey Bartman, you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? I bet not.
- [Homer and Bart reacting to the woman statue]
- Homer: Bart, you're too young to be on that platform!
- Homer: Bart, I've been meaning to talk to you about the special feelings you may be feeling about that platform.
- Homer: Oh, why does Bart always get the sexy platforms?
- Homer: (GIGGLES) Boobs!
- Bart: Today I am a man.
- Bart: Suddenly I get every dirty joke I've ever heard.
- [Homer and Bart inside the Dinosaur Exhibit]
- Homer: We should always give thanks to Van Helsing for killing all the dinosaurs.
- Homer: Isn't it amazing that we all evolved from the stuff in this room?
- Homer: (SCREAMS) Mr. Burns!
- Homer: Nice dinosaur...good dinosaur...
- Homer: I hope my bones will be this useful some day.
- Homer: Go, Bart, go!
- Homer: Bart looks like a graceful Mikhail Baryshnikov!
- Homer: Way to go, Bart! But don't show me up!
- Bart: Homer, hurry! There's some bacon grease to lick off the skull!
- Bart: Homer, I need your fat ass up here!
- Bart: Homer, come here! I need your obesity!
- Bart: Hey, it's those bones Flanders said God planted in the ground to fool us!
- Bart: I never knew volcanoes were so bouncy!
- Bart: Whoa! I feel like magma!
- Bart: Holy Shakira, that thing's creepy!
- Bart: Ehhhh, Frankenstein's bones!
- Bart: You can't hide behind that flap of hair forever!
- Bart: Locked, huh? Who needs doors anyway?
- Bart: If I can't get through this door, I'll just have to find another way.
- Bart: If only there was some way to adjust the range on my slingshot.
- Bart: This reminds me of that old saying --, "if your slingshot doesn't shoot far enough, you need to adjust it somehow."
- [Bart turning into Robo-Bart]
- Bart: A Bartman could get used to this.
- Bart: Now that's what I call a power up!
- [Homer and Bart inside the Diorama Exhibit]
- Homer: The world was a better place before pants.
- Homer: It's weird to think man used to be violent.
- Homer: Guns? Germs? Steel? This museum has it all!
- Bart: Crude, but effective.
- Bart: Cannons don't get enough respect.
- [Homer and Bart inside the Planetarium]
- Homer: I wonder what these balls represent.
- Homer: This is supposed to be outer space? Where are all the giant space ants?
- Homer: I'm not going up there! I've got too much dignity and fear.
- Homer: You'd have to be crazy to go up there, and I'm merely stupid.
- Homer: Don't look down, Bart, or you'll mess yourself!
- Homer: If you fall, try and use my love as a parachute!
- Homer: Keep it up, Bart! You're almost there!
- Bart: I wonder which planet is the toilet. I gotta take a Bart-whiz.
- Bart: Seeing the grandeur of the solar system really makes you feel like a big nothing.
- Bart: I wonder which one of these balls is the world.
- Bart: Mind if I hitch a ride?
- Bart: A space bus - yeah, right.
- Bart: I can't believe they built the space shuttle without lasers guns! What a waste!
- Bart: I'm sorry, Jimbo. I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
- Bart: Hey Homer, little help?!
- Bart: If only there were a really fat guy who could help me.
- [Dolph]
- Dolph: Careful where you step. I lost a contact.
- Dolph: Do you seriously think you can defeat three elementary school bullies?
- Dolph: I hope you're not following me, 'cause I'm following you.
- Dolph: What're you gonna use against me? Your powers?
- Dolph: Simpson, you're a joke - and I'm not talking about a dirty joke. Those are good. A stupid joke!
- Dolph: Give it up, Bart. I was all-state hide-and-seek champ.
- Dolph: I'm not afraid of you, I'm nonplussed by you.
- Dolph: My worst nightmare's come true!
- [Kearney]
- Kearney: Bart Simpson, huh? I thought I smelled loser.
- Kearney: Well, if it isn't Bart Simpson. Which side of the law are you on today?
- Kearney: Bart Simpson in a museum? Now I've seen everything.
- Kearney: I'm like fruit in a smoothie - I totally blend in.
- Kearney: I have an itch that is driving me crazy.
- Kearney: You guys aren't exactly the Hardy boys, are you?
- Kearney: A bone as a weapon, I'll have to remember that.
- Kearney: This moat reminds me of the gap between me and my son.
- Kearney: I don't like the way that donkey's looking at me.
- Kearney: Ooh ooh Ah aah ahh hah!
- Kearney: What a fascinating slice of life!
- Kearney: Retreat!
- Kearney: Ah, you never see fathers and sons getting their butts kicked together anymore.
- Kearney: It's sweet you guys are going to get your butts kicked together.
- Kearney: You know, you guys don't look that much alike.
- Kearney: The family that gets punched together, is creamed together.
- Kearney: Let me introduce my fist!
- Kearney: I hope Karma doesn't see this!
- Kearney: My superpower is anger!
- Kearney: Look at me, I'm Walker, Texas Ranger!
- Kearney: You want a piece of me?!
- [Kearney taunting Bart]
- Kearney: Just give up! You're in over your head!
- Bart: If you were talking about school I'd agree!
- Kearney: Am I moving too fast for you?!
- Bart: No, you're moving too stupid!
- Kearney: Newsflash - you're a loser!
- Bart: Don't listen to him, me - you're awesome!
- [Jimbo inside the Planetarium]
- Jimbo Jones: Bart, you look so insignificant from up here!
- Jimbo Jones: Look! Up here! I'm in the Oort belt, dingus!
- Jimbo Jones: I'm totally going to knock you out of your orbit!
- [Museum Guards]
- Museum Guard: You want some of this, pally?!
- Museum Guard: Don't worry, they love fat guys and kids in jail!
- Museum Guard: You messed with the wrong pally, boy-o!
- Museum Guard: Where are my manners? Let me introduce you to my nightstick!
- Museum Guard: Well, if it isn't fat man and little boy.
- Museum Guard: You've offended my delicate sensibilities.
- Museum Guard: Taking out the trash is part of the job.
- Museum Guard: You didn't make the suggested donation.
- Museum Guard: We can do this the hard way or the harder way.
- Museum Guard: Let me show you to the exit.
- Museum Guard: Nice.
- Museum Guard: This museum has a strict "no punk" policy.
- Museum Guard: Could you at least dust while you're up there?
- Museum Guard: What goes up must come down.
- Sideshow Mel: Look! A rogue buffoon and his delinquent son!
- Sideshow Mel: Intruders have disregarded our hours of operation!
- Sideshow Mel: The security of the museum is in breach! Grave, perilous breach!
- Sideshow Mel: God help us, there are barbarians beyond the gate!
- Sideshow Mel: Give up now and no one need be hurt emotionally!
- Sideshow Mel: Assistance! Au secours!
- Sideshow Mel: Halt! Surrender any weapons and preconceived notions about museum guards!
- Sideshow Mel: Beware! I've unleashed the beast within!
- Sideshow Mel: No hitting below the bone!
- Sideshow Mel: I am opening a jar of whoop derriere!
- Sideshow Mel: I haven't mixed it up since I was banned from the Ultimate Fighting Championships!
- Sideshow Mel: Prepare for the slapping of a lifetime!
- Sideshow Mel: My safe word is "NutraSweet!"
- Sideshow Mel: I warn you, I've studied under a Shaolin! It was Method Man!
- Sideshow Mel: This ends here!
- Sideshow Mel: Bad news. You caught me in a killing kind of mood!
- Sideshow Mel: Don't mistake bravado for pussy-ness!
- Sideshow Mel: At least if I get hurt, I'll feel something!
- Sideshow Mel: I am frequently underestimated, never imitated!
- Sideshow Mel: Could I tempt you down with some homemade biscotti?!
- Sideshow Mel: Please stop! The docents will have my head!
- Sideshow Mel: I'll thank you not to treat our displays as common showpieces!
- Sideshow Mel: Leave the displays alone! Take me instead!
- [Museum Guards reacting to Bart climbing]
- Museum Guard: The displays are for lookin', not climbin'!
- Museum Guard: Climbing around on the displays. What were you, raised in a barn?
- Museum Guard: Careful, if you fall the museum's liable!
- Museum Guard: I'd climb up there after you if it weren't for my damn vertigo!
- Museum Guard: I've always wondered, how's the view up there?
- [The Bullies Scheme]
- Jimbo Jones: Remember, people, we came to this museum to steal, not learn. Don't look at any of the displays! Stay focused!
- Bart: Come on, let's get outta here and find a situation where my new super powers could be useful.
- Homer: I think Lenny needs help moving! Dude's got a huge futon!
- Bart: Wait! Maybe I should stop the bullies from robbing the museum.
- Homer: You're the Dark Avenger of the Night.
- [Homer and Bart attacking the guards]
- Homer: Marge told me to stop attacking guards.
- Homer: Our mission is to stop the bullies. (torn) But I do love beating guards.
- Homer: Oh no, the pretend police are mad.
- Homer: I thought you guys were supposed to be courteous.
- Homer: Say what you will. I like me.
- Homer: I'm going to try and not take that personally.
- Homer: Take it back!
- Homer: You're supposed to guard, not taunt.
- Homer: Well, I hope you die!
- Homer: I'll make you eat those words! Mmm...words.
- Homer: You are off my Christmas list - starting next year!
- Homer: I'm hard enough on myself!
- Homer: (LAUGHS) Funny man go boom.
- Homer: Now who stinks?!
- Homer: I wish I could lie down.
- Homer: That's how I roll!
- Homer: Nice one, guard tard!
- Homer: Don't stay down too long, they'll dock your pay.
- Homer: That's my boy!
- Homer: Way to give them guff!
- Homer: That's a good, healthy hatred of authority.
- Homer: Aww, I had twenty bucks on the guard.
- Homer: I wish my Dad had taken me brawling.
- Homer: They become deadly fighting machines so fast.
- Bart: Technically they're on our side, but let's get 'em anyway.
- Bart: These guards will be like an amuse bouche before we get to the main course.
- Bart: Sorry, did I wake you?
- Bart: You aren't even able to guard your dignity!
- Bart: I'll call you when I need directions to the can.
- Bart: If the uniform makes the man, you must be a pretty crappy man.
- Bart: Yeah, my superpowers are no match for your flashlight.
- Bart: I've heard better taunts from Ralph.
- Bart: Scum!!!!!
- Bart: Don't say things you can't take back.
- Bart: You're a disgrace to the plastic badge.
- Bart: Next time you'll think twice about doing your job!
- Bart: Sleep well, sweet idiot.
- Bart: I am the greatest!
- Bart: Good idea. You guard the floor.
- Bart: I hope he has health insurance.
- Bart: Nicely done, Dad!
- Bart: Way to throw your weight around, Homer!
- Bart: Good use of violence, Dad!
- Bart: I hope the security cameras didn't see that, Dad!
- Bart: I told Mom you weren't a complete loser!
- [Museum Diorama Narration]
- Male Museum Narrator: Welcome to Springfield Museum's History of Man!
- Female Museum Narrator: And woman!
- Male Museum Narrator: And woman.
- Male Museum Narrator: Our first diorama depicts early man. One of the traits that set our human forefathers apart was the emergence of the four-fingered hand we know today.
- Male Museum Narrator: The Middles Ages were a turbulent time as the vestiges of the Roman Empire smoldered. Castle storming was all the rage. If you weren't storming a castle, you were worse than a loser.
- Male Museum Narrator: We continue to the story of Jebediah Springfield -- the noble founder of Springfield despite facts uncovered by the troublemaker, Lisa Simpson, proving he was actually a bloodthirsty pirate. so forget the last part of my statement, okay?
- [Planetarium Narration]
- Planetarium Narrator: The sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a giant nuclear furnace.
- Planetarium Narrator: Mercury was named for the Roman god Mercury, a winged messenger.
- Planetarium Narrator: The thick clouds that cover Venus create a greenhouse effect that keeps it at a toasty 864°F.
- Planetarium Narrator: If you weigh 100 pounds on Earth, you would weigh 38 pounds on Mars due to the smaller mass of the red planet.
- Planetarium Narrator: A belt of asteroids separate the four inner planets from the five outer planets. My belt separates my gut from my junk.
- Planetarium Narrator: Saturn's seven rings are made of billions of ice particles...just like the heart of my ex-wife.
- Planetarium Narrator: Constant storms rage on the surface of Neptune. Who do I have to screw to get a cup of coffee around here? I've been recording this stuff for hours! Yeesh!
- Planetarium Narrator: Pluto is the only planet not yet studied closely by a space probe. 'Cause it's bor-ring.
- Planetarium Narrator: How often are you supposed to wash your hair? It's bad if you do it everyday, right?
- Planetarium Narrator: In college, I ate another guy's barf to get into a fraternity.
- Planetarium Narrator: Armageddon - best second act in movie history.
- Planetarium Narrator: What's with Flavor Flav and the clock?
- Planetarium Narrator: Funny story. I killed the guy who's supposed to make me read the stuff about the planets.
- [Ending Cutscene]
- Jimbo Jones: Stop freaking me out with your unusual gliding and slingshot abilities! We're just henchmen, man! Skinner hired us!
- Bart: Principal Skinner?!
- Principal Skinner: Yes, it is I! I mean me! No, it is I, yes. The city cut our science budget so much, I needed to steal from the museum just to have visual aids!
- Homer: I've never heard of such an evil plan! You're like if the Iron Sheik had a baby with Rowdy Roddy Piper! Times a billion!
- Principal Skinner: This Assaraptor's Coccyx would have inspired a generation of students to fall in love with science. Oh well, looks like it's jail for me.
- Chief Wiggum: Sorry, sorry. We would have been here sooner, but I can't get the hang of this dang mapquest. Turns out there's a north and a south Elton Avenue. Really messed me up!
- Bart: You've learned a valuable lesson, Skinner - confessing to crime doesn't pay. Book 'im, Wiggum.
- Chief Wiggum: I know I'm supposed to book him. Gosh, you don't have to be such a jerk.
- Bart: (CHUCKLING)I think I'm going to like having unbelievable super powers!
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