Difference between revisions of "Four Great Women and a Manicure/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 12:06, April 26, 2024

Opening[edit]

Marge: My daughter's here for her first mani-pedi.

Lisa: Mom, I'm glad you brought me here, but isn't it more important for a woman to be smart and powerful than beautiful?

Marge: A woman can be smart, beautiful and powerful. Like Queen Elizabeth the First! She had it all, except the most important thing.

Lisa: Please don't say a man.

Marge: No, a husband!

Queen Elizabeth I[edit]

Queen Elizabeth I: I don't understand why I need a King.

Walsingham: So you can pump out a son and then I don't gotta work for no broad no more. Um... My liege.

Herald Mel: Announcing Prince Ralph of Austria!

Prince Ralph of Austria: Off with my head!

Queen Elizabeth I: Pass.

Herald Mel: King Julio of Spain!

King Julio of Spain: Hello, Queenie baby.

Queen Elizabeth I: Forget it. I've seen you making goo-goo eyes at my court jester.

King Julio: Well I like a man who can make me laugh. But for you, I'll make an exception.

Walter Raleigh: Your Majesty, I have returned from the New World with a gift—this healthful and slimming herb...tobacco.

Queen Elizabeth I: [smokes the pipe] Mmm. Mmm. Oooh. Whoaa! If I ever have sex, this'll be great afterwards.

King Julio: Guards! Take him away and put things inside of him!

Guard: Nice things?

King Julio: No, not nice things!

Walter Raleigh: Allow me.

Lady Marjorie: Ooo, you have the strength of a plow horse, but the charm of a cart horse!

Queen Elizabeth I: How dare you make out under my crenellations while I make out not? Don't you know that I love you?! I've always loved you.

Lady Marjorie: Um, which one of us are you talking to?

Queen Elizabeth I: I'm not sure. Both, neither, what difference does it make? Take them to the tower!

Walsingham: The uh, the Spanish armada sails for England!

Walter Raleigh: Armada? What's armada?

Walsingham: Nothing. What's-armada with you? [chuckles] Seriously though, we're in real trouble here.

Protestant Minister Lovejoy: Lord Jesus, although our country turned Protestant for the sole reason that our fat, mean king could dump his faithful wife, we know you're on our side. So please destroy these horrible monsters who believe your mother should be revered.

King Julio: Normally I love to see flaming dreamboats heading my way... but not like this, baby! Not like this!

Queen Elizabeth I: I don't need a man...for I have... England!

Walsingham: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Snow White[edit]

Huntsman Willie: I... I... I canna do it! Run, lassie! Find wee little men and hide with them! Now to fool the queen with a pig's heart. I... I canna do it. Maybe I'll make her a heart out of construction paper. I... I... I canna do it!

Lenny: There's something in our house!

Crabby: Let's put a pickaxe in its brain!

Lenny: You're in marketing. Why do you even bring an axe?

Crabby: If you were in marketing, you'd know.

Kearney: She's be-yoo-tiful.

Doctor Hibbert: Hmmm... Maybe she's been placed under some kind of a curse.

Crabby: And all that will wake her is the kiss of a handsome...

Snow White: I'm awake! I'm awake already!

Lisa: So Snow White slept and waited for her prince to come... but he never did. Because a woman shouldn't have to depend on a man. Snow White was brought back to life, by a lady doctor.

Marge: And she lived happily ever after?

Lisa: Well, she couldn't indulge in strenuous activities like handball, but otherwise she was fine.

Homer: Marge, I need some bribe money!

Chief Wiggum: >Well, don't say it so loud!

Marge: All I have are some dry-cleaning coupons.

Chief Wiggum: Deal.

Homer: Thanks, Marge. But don't forget, there's still gonna be a civil suit.

Macbeth[edit]

Marge: Out, damn'd spot! Out, I say!

Chazz Busby: Marge, please. If you don't like getting barbecue sauce out of a leotard, why'd you get into show business? Think before you do.

Sideshow Mel: Stars, hide your fires! Let not light see my black and deep desires.

Chazz Busby: Mel's like the son Laurence Olivier and John Gielgud always wanted but never had. But oh how they tried.

Marge: [whispering] I think Mel would be happier as an understudy. A six-feet-understudy.

Sideshow Mel: Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow...

Homer: Why does everyone around here talk that crazy talk?

Sideshow Mel: That "crazy talk" is the work of the immortal Bard, William Shakespeare.

Homer: Well, if you see him in Heaven, tell him he sucks.

Homer: Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more By Sinel's death I know I am thane of Glamis... uh, To-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow... today's Tuesday, so that would make it Friday, and then, uh... Shakespeare!

Selma: You don't even know your lines!

Homer: [reading from a script] "Conrad Birdie? Coming here to Sweet Apple?!"

Patty: That's Bye-Bye Birdie!

Homer: [reading from another script] "Dammit, Morpheus. Not everyone believes what you believe."

Selma: That's the screenplay for The Matrix Reloaded.

Marge: [reading] "Tonight the Springfield Community Playhouse was bathed in the light of a brilliant new star... Dr. Hibbert as Banquo?!"

Homer: Who the hell is Banquo?

Marge: He's the one getting the good reviews! Which makes him the next one you've got to kill.

Homer: Wouldn't it be easier if I just took acting lessons?

Marge: [reading] "In last night's 'Macbeth,' the best performance was Barney Gumble as Duncan, followed by Duffman as MacDuff, Lenny Leonard as Lennox, Eddie and Lou as the two soldiers without lines, then last and least, the lead, Homer Simpson."

Homer: Why do they write a new review of this play every single day?

Chazz Busby: Okay Homer, it's our last performance, you're the only actor that's still alive, and there's nobody in the audience—this is your moment. I'll be in my office going over the books on my Subway sandwich franchise. You call a sandwich maker an artist, it's like an invitation to steal! A guy's goin' nani-nooni bananas in there!

Homer: [as Lord Macbeth] To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools. The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player. That struts and frets his hour upon the stage. And then is heard no more.

The Fountainhead[edit]

Ellsworth Toohey: Banal. Very banal. Ooo, wonderfully pedestrian. Oh, oh, this isn't right. Maggie, dancers shouldn't kick too high, and buildings mustn't reach the sky.

Homer: I don't know how you put up with all these kids, Toohey. If I were you there'd be a lot of strangled babies.

Mr. Toohey: Now let's see what your children have done, shall we? Don't brace yourself, you will believe your eyes.

Mr. Toohey: Babies and gentlemen of the jury...this child's crime was to remind the rest of us that we are merely ordinary. When a blade of grass rises above the others do we applaud it—no, we cut it down! I recommend nine time-outs: served consecutively!

Maggie Roark: [clears throat] Throughout the ages, the finger painter, the Play-Doh sculptor, the Lincoln-logger, stood alone against the daycare teacher of her time. She did not live to earn approval stickers. She lived for herself, that she might achieve things that are the glory of all humanity. These are my terms: I do not care to play by any other's. And now, if the court will allow me, it's nap time.