Difference between revisions of "Diary Queen/Quotes"

Revision as of 17:50, October 7, 2024

Lisa: Wow, Mr. Flanders. You're selling your used birthday candles?

Ned Flanders: Hmm, they relight themselves. I won't have voodoo in the house.

Bart: Bart Simpson. Longtime neighbor, first time reader. May I buy these books?

Ned: There's no bad words in these if that's what you're looking for. I cut 'em all out.

Nelson Muntz: Mm. Thank you... Adultery Ass.

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, that's clearly personal. You have to give it back to Mr. Flanders.

Bart: You don't have a single little boy bone in your body, do you?

Milhouse: Hey! I did take karate. Till I had an allergic reaction to my gi.

Johnny Tightlips: Why are corpses so buoyant?

Frankie the Squealer: 'Cause I ain't dead yet!

Louie: The boss ain't gonna like this.

Fat Tony: I'm the boss!

Louie: Do you like it?

Fat Tony: No.

Milhouse: Reading someone else's diary in a church? That's the worst thing you can do in a church!

Priest: No, not really.

Bart: Oh, my God. I thought she hated me after I glued her to her chair. And yet she says I have potential. I have a future. The sky's the limit!

Evelyn Trunch: Pop art quiz!

Martin Prince: Is that a "pop" art quiz, or a "pop art" quiz?

Mrs. Trunch: It's a "shut up and fill in the bubbles" quiz.

Lisa: This is a new low, even for you.

Bart: Thanks.

Lisa: Okay, spill it. What dirt did you find?

Bart: I'm only on page 35, but it's so clear she thought I was great. She really liked me. Even when I brought in a dead bird from outside, which I've actually forgotten.

Lisa: What? [thinking] Poor, deluded Bart. She was writing that about her cat.

Bart: She loved how much I love tuna. I don't remember that either, but it was meaningful to her.

Lisa: Listen, Bart...

Bart: And she said I was too adorable to be sterilized. Oh, her words, not mine.

Bart: Willie? I heard—can't say where—that you're actually pretty lonely. So I got you this little guy.

[Bart hands Willie a rabbit]

Groundskeeper Willie: A Scotsman lonely? Bannocks to that! But I will take your wee coney... for me evening stew! [to the rabbit] Do you like your stew? It's got lots of extra carrots for a growing bunny. And when you grow fat enough, I'll stick you in a bubbling pot of water... for your Saturday bath. Oh, I love you.

Dr. Hibbert: Is anything bothering you, young lady?

Lisa: Just the usual—global disasters, artificial intelligence taking over, the cold, dead eyes of Mike Pence.

Dr. Hibbert: Hmm. Well, I could refer you to psychological counseling, but why fix what you can numb? So I'm gonna prescribe some Sleepy and Dopey's children's chewable Xanax. [laughs]

Principal Skinner: Assembly item number two: don't take drugs.

Lisa: I don't!

Principal Skinner: Our most successful assembly ever.

Lisa: You wanted to do well, but you're not even studying.

Bart: You don't have to study when you're on a roll. You heard them cheering me.

[Bart plays a recording on his phone]

Kids: [cheering] Bart! Bart! Bart! Not Lisa!

Lisa: I wish you hadn't had them do that.

Lisa: Bart, spelling bees are very public. So if, by some fluke, you don't do well, you'll be embarrassed in front of the whole school. Worse than the time you sat on the peanut butter cup.

Bart: People knew what it was.

Lisa: No, they didn't.

Bart: "Purring when I pet him"? "Scratching at the bell on his collar"? "Always using his litter box appropriately"? Oh, it wasn't me who had potential. It's a frickin' cat!

Bart: I'm just a loser kid, and that's all I will ever be.

Lisa: Oh, honey...

Bart: Mom, I'm gonna go over the edge if you try to make me feel better right now.

Ned: Son, I'm not here to judge you. Curiosity is one of the devil's sharpest tools. That's why I don't even look down in the shower. Eyes always up into God's scalding water.

Todd Flanders: Order! Order!

Ned: Now, we can't leave Springfield unless it's unanimous. Todd?

Todd: I vote "yes." I can finally get away from that ladybug that scares me.

Rod Flanders: I'm tired of Mr. Simpson peeing in our bird bath.

Ned: Well, that's one, two, three, and...

Edna Krabappel: I have to stay here in Springfield, because boys like Bart Simpson need me. Sweet, misunderstood boys, who just need someone to recognize the basic goodness that's trapped inside them and is desperately trying to get out.

Ned: [reading] "Now that I've been with Ned a year, he's made my life a living..." [stops reading] I'll think of a penance. [goes back to reading] "Dream come true." Oh. [sniffles] Now I got to clean my specs. Thanks, Edna.