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Mother and Child Reunion/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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704
"Mother and Child Reunion"
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- Werner Herzog: Welcome. Good to see you. If you're here to use the bathroom, try the Burger King next door.
- Werner Herzog: You've heard of Steve Jobs? This is my kid, "No Jobs."
- Herzog's son: Dad!
- Werner Herzog: He's been angry since I made his mother disappear with my cold attitude and the philandering.
- Marge: Well, you will be the first Simpson to ever finish college now that Bart's given up.
- Bart: Why should I go to college? I've become a master of Fruit Ninja.
- Grampa: There she is. Our family's last and only remaining hope.
- Lisa: Putting on a little pressure there, Grampa?
- Grampa: It's just that you're the only worthwhile Simpson since... ever. I'm counting on you to find the cure for everything that's gonna kill me. No pressure.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, I have a question.
- Lisa: Please, don't mention the word "college."
- Milhouse: College? No way. This is a surprise promposal. Guess who I hired to ask you on my behalf. My dad. Imitating Seth MacFarlane imitating Frank Sinatra.
- Lisa: Things have changed since I was a kid. College costs a fortune, and does it really do any good? All you get is a piece of paper with your name on it. And it's written in Latin, so the only people who can actually read it are dead Romans and Catholic priests. And last I checked, none of them are handing out jobs.
- Lisa: I'm not going to college.
- Marge: What?! Quit joking.
- Ned Flanders: Marge, nobody knows comedy like I don't. She's not joking.
- Homer: Well, you know, Marge, I didn't go to college, and I'm wealthy in the most important way: lack of student loans.
- Marge: Lisa, please. I'm giving you one last chance to salvage this day. I've lived for this moment. And all I've ever asked from you is that everything that never happened to me happens to you. And that justifies my existence on Earth for the hours I spent holding you, cleaning you, cooking your supper, drying your tears, catching your colds and burying every personal need I had just so I could have the brief joy of setting up your dorm room with the roommate from the fancy family who you'll spend the holidays with on their ranch in Colorado instead of coming home to me.
- Marge: Oh. Someday, you're gonna have a daughter of your own, and you'll see how I feel.
- Lisa: Who says I'm gonna have kids?
- Marge: No college? No kids? How dare you lead the life I wish I'd led.
- Rod Flanders: [deep voice] Daddy, can you come upstairs? We're scared.
- Todd Flanders: [deep voice] Daddy, bring the monster spray!
- Ned Flanders: I may have over-coddled them just a little bit.
- Homer: Ooh, could I double down on those?
- Werner Herzog: This is not blackjack.
- Homer: I said hit me.
- Werner Herzog: Not blackjack.
- Homer: Come on, pal, hit me.
- Werner Herzog: Fine. You're busted.
- Homer: D'oh! Should've held on the hard Knave of Cups.
- Lisa: God, that job sucks.
- Homer: Here's a little secret, honey. All jobs suck. That's why you get paid to do them.
- Lisa: Welcome to the Boundless Horizons School, where I'm gonna change your lives and you're gonna write letters to me forever and you'll say I was your most influential person.
- Lisa's student: Just exactly how are you gonna teach us?
- Lisa: Well, I'm gonna use every trick there is. I'll put the desks in a circle. I'll take the toughest one of you and put him or her in charge of making everyone behave. And I'll teach Shakespeare using dances from TikTok.
- George Stephanopoulos: Lisa Simpson, governor of... [mumbles] is running for president. Not even her highly damaged relationship with her mother can stop her now. Nate Silver analyzes.
- Nate Silver: Well, George, Lisa is doing great with disenchanted daughters. Also tiger moms, checked-out dads and grandparents who like everything, plus middle children, nerds of all ages and saxophonists above second chair. Now, it's a week before the election but... What the hell... I'm calling it for Lisa.
- Werner Herzog: So concerned about your futures but no one cares about mine. I won't get into details, but my body winds up in the dumpster behind the store. Do any of you give a damn? [nobody answers] Very well.
- Lisa: And I promise you that, as your president, I will obsess over your welfare, because I don't have a life! You're all I've got! And I will serve you.
- Secretary: Madam President, just after you were sworn in, your predecessor finally conceded.
- Lisa: These transitional tantrums get longer and longer.
- Bart: Now that we're both grown and successful... You, president, me, pot CEO and owner of three NBA teams... I feel different. I really, really, really don't hate you.
- Lisa: Aw.
- Bart: Got anything to say to me?
- Lisa: Um... yes. All right. I'll admit it. I've always been kind of a pain in the butt.
- Bart: Wow. If you had said that earlier, even I would have voted for you.
- Marge: Maybe I started off on the wrong foot.
- Mom translator: "You constantly let me down."
- Lisa: Of course, I appreciate everything you're saying.
- Mom translator: "You were never really in my corner."
- Marge: I may have said a lot of things in anger.
- Mom translator: "I meant what I said and I will stick to it. But no matter what, I was always proud of you."
- Lisa: You made me mad, too.
- Mom translator: "I was hurt because I care so much. All the respect and love I have for people came from you."
- Marge: That's nice to hear.
- Mom translator: "I love you so much."
- Lisa: [sobs]
- Mom translator: "I love you, too."
- [Marge and Lisa hug]
- Lisa: Okay, you can go now.
- Mom translator: "This translator is fantastic. Give her a raise."
- Lisa: Okay. I enjoyed that story, but I got to know, how much is really true?
- Werner Herzog: Let me consult the oracle.
- [Herzog pulls out a crystal ball. Nate Silver appears in it.]
- Nate Silver: Okay, Lisa, I'll give it to you straight. You've got a 98% chance of going to college, 83% Ivy League, 47% chance of a boyfriend, 72% chance of a girlfriend.
- Lisa: Oh! I like those odds!
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