I, Carumbus/Quotes
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- Marge: Homer, I can't be the only one in this family who wants more for us.
- Homer: [gasps] I want more. I just don't want to do anything to earn it.
- Homer: Once again, bickering in public gets us free therapy from strangers.
- Abus: Good news, plow son. We finally got enough money to buy us an ox.
- Obeseus the Wide: Woo-hoo! How'd you do that, father?
- Abus: I sold you into slavery. Arrivederci, sucker.
- Gordus Antonius: It would appear that one of you lowly gladiators has impregnated my daughter. Tell me who laid with her, and the rest of you will be spared the lash.
- Obeseus: Mm...
- Carlum: I had sexicus.
- Lennus: I had sexicus.
- Barnabas: I had sexicus.
- Moleman: I had sexicus.
- Unnamed gladiator 1: I had sexicus.
- Unnamed gladiator 2: I had sexicus.
- Unnamed gladiator 3: I had sexicus.
- Obeseus: You jerks! You knew I liked her.
- Carlum: We were covering for you, jackass.
- Obeseus: Oh, right.
- Gordus Antonius: Rise, for you are now free...
- Obeseus: Woo-hoo!
- Gordus Antonius: ...to marry my daughter.
- Obeseus: D'oh!
- Springfield History Museum curator: Obeseus entered the second act of his life running the dirty, bloody business given to him by his father-in-law... A laundromat. Fun fact: In ancient Rome, clothes were washed with ammonia, which is derived from human urine.
- Lennus: All you got to do is put these jugs outside of taverns, and you'll get your urinus gratis.
- Obeseus: Crowdsourcing a streaming service, eh?
- Marjora: What if you became a senator? Think about how much more respected we'd be.
- Obeseus: I don't know. It sounds like a lot of work. Sitting there all day, listening, voting on stuff with my thumb.
- Marjora: But think of the perks. You'll get invited to fancier orgies. The kinds with women.
- Obeseus: They have those?
- Emperor Quimbus: [laughs] The pee guy, a senator? That would be an insult to the dignity of this office. Now if you'll excuse me, Senator Horse and I are going shopping for lewd pottery.
- Emperor Quimbus: Et... tu... pee guy?
- Helena Lovejoyususus: I love your holiday decorations. It lets those pesky Christians know they aren't going to win the war on Saturnalia.
- Lisandra: Growing up rich and spoiled has turned your son into a monster.
- Obeseus: It's not my fault. I never spend any time with him.
- Obeseus: My son's a maniac. My daughter's not a son. My slaves hate me for some reason. Heavy lies the head that wears the wig of curly bangs.
- Springfield History Museum curator: And so began the reign of Bartigula the Jerk. Eager to expand the empire, he declared war on Neptune, god of the sea. Despite some early victories, thousands drowned. Bartigula blamed the troubles of Rome on foreign invaders. So he built a large and expensive wall to keep them out. And finally, to silence his critics, Bartigula dissolved the senate. The young emperor had gone mad with power. And syphilis.
- Bartigula: Listen up, Rome-wads. The empire's in crisis, the economy's in the crapatorium, and Neptune's kicking our butts, somehow. I now realize... I can no longer be your emperor.
- Crowd: Oh. Phew.
- Bartigula: Because I am now your god!
- Obeseus: Not freeing you guys was the first worst thing I ever did, but I hereby decree you to be emancipated. Now face the dawn as free men.
- Lennus: We're in a jail cell, you dope.
- Lisandra: Father, we have to get you out of the city. Hurry, and you can still escape.
- Obeseus: No, I'm not going to run.
- Lisandra: Because you physically can't?
- Obeseus: Yes, mostly.
- Homer: The moral of that story is clear: Marge is wrong and ambition is terrible.
- Lisa: No, no, no. The lesson is that the unchecked lust for money and power can bring a once-great nation to ruin.
- Bart: Does anyone think it was weird that dad killed me?
- Homer: Don't blame me. Blame your mother.
- Springfield History Museum curator: When will humanity ever learn... to stop letting stupid people into museums?
