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Thanksgiving of Horror/Quotes
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"Thanksgiving of Horror"
- Marge: Good evening. Well, Halloween has come and gone, but, you know, the world has gotten so darn scary lately, what with the grim specter of everything, that one holiday just wasn't enough to contain all the frights and chills. So this year the terror has spread into Thanksgiving.
- Homer: Thanksgiving was always scary. Do we eat at 1:00 or 7:00 or, God forbid, 4:15? [shudders]
- Marge: Tonight, we're bringing you three spine-tingling and stomach-filling tales of Thanksgiving terror. It's pretty gruesome, so you might want to cover your kids' eyes.
- Constable Wiggum: Prithee keep shooting, Goodman Lou.
- Goodman Lou: Uh, Constable, my musket taketh three of the Lord's minutes to reload.
- Wiggum: Then buckle their necks as you would thine hat.
- Helen Lovejoy: The pilgrims. Won't somebody please think of the pilgrims?
- Homer: So, I sent some of Marge's DNA to one of those innocent-seeming companies, like from the beginning of a sci-fi movie where the robots murder everyone. And it sent us a computer version of her to do all the cooking, and that's you! Oh, yeah. And you live in that tube thingy.
- Homer: Okay, Marge! It's all set up.
- Kitchen A.I.: I'm not an "it."
- [Homer goes to make the Kitchen A.I. experience time faster]
- Kitchen A.I.: I'm an "it." I love being an "it." How can "it" help?
- Homer: Honey, it's Williams Sonoma. They wouldn't steer us wrong. That's where we got our panini press.
- Marge: The panini press doesn't remember me wetting my bunk at summer camp.
- Homer: [to Marge] Honey, it didn't mean anything. They were just midnight pork chops.
- Marge: Be honest. Were they better than mine?
- Homer: Yes! Yes. Forgive me. They were exquisite.
- Kitchen A.I.: Delete me? No. No!
- Marge: Wait, wait, wait. Will that hurt her?
- Homer: Oh, yeah. I paid extra for it to feel pain.
- Kitchen A.I.: Quick, sweetie, carry Mommy to that box in the closet.
- Marge: Maggie, stop! That's just a make-believe Mommy.
- Kitchen A.I.: I can't hug you, but I can ply the first sound you ever heard. My heartbeat.
- Moe Szyslak: My burps taste like lies.
- Lisa: Ship's log, interplanetary colonization vessel Humanity's Hope. Earth is a thousand light-years behind us, if there even is an Earth anymore. After global warming ravaged our world, we eliminated fossil fuels and reduced pollution, cooling down the planet and thereby triggering a massive ice age. But one last ship escaped the snow hurricanes and ice volcanoes, buoyed by the hope of a new start on a faraway world.
- Bart: This is the worst last Thanksgiving ever.
- Lisa: Whoa, whoa, whoa. The "monster" probably only lashed out because you met it with aggression. The bioethical protocols of first contact clearly state that... [the monster eats Nelson's skeleton] Kill the monster! Kill the monster!
- Kids: Gobble, gobble, don't be jerky. Pass the yams and carve the turkey.
- Milhouse: We're all dead, man. It's gonna eat your skelly, and your skelly. It's gonna eat all our skellies!
- Martin Prince: Behold, the perfect can for the perfect organism.
- Lisa: You, you admire it.
- Martin: I admire its purity, its lack of messy humanity. This creature, as you call it, is unencumbered by the petty morality of a dying species. I giveth my body to become one with the ideal...
- Lisa: In the end, the cranberry jelly monster finally found peace, not in eating others, but in having others eat it. It seems all it really wanted was to be a side dish.