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Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em/Quotes

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Season 18 Episode References
380 "Jazzy and the Pussycats"
"Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em"
"Treehouse of Horror XVII" 382

Bart: What's going on here? Am I destroying these triangles or trying to assemble them? What does this button do? Now my ship is pooping more triangles! Oh no, I won a free game!

Homer: Ooh, gummy worms!
Raphael: Uh, that candy's been here an awfully long time. I'd think twice if I were you.
Homer: Don't tell me how many times to think!

Marge: Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.
Homer: We already own a book!

Lisa: I never wanna go back to that mall. There were eels in the photo booth!

Marge: Bart, here's a letter from your school!
Bart: A fire?! I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge! I mean, what fire? I mean, a letter from school? Please elaborate.

Marge: Homie, don't you want to build something with your new fix-it books?
Homer: I did! I made a foot rest.
Marge: Don't you have any follow-through on anything?
Homer: What's the point? We're all slowly dying.

Krusty the Clown: A lady carpenter? I dunno. What if you get pregnant and I'm left with half a hot tub? And don't tell me you're infertile. I ain't fallin' for that again.

Professor Frink: I'm terribly sorry. I thought I heard the sound of a woman measuring.
Homer: Oh, uh, that was me. You know that old saying: "measure like a girl, hammer like a guy".
Professor Frink: Yes, but you're holding your hammer backwards.
Homer: Oh, uh... you know what they say, "hammer with the wood and it's all good".

Marge: A dash of glue, a turn of screw, and a gazebo's built that's perfect for two—or more!

Kent Brockman: Mm-hmm! Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
Homer: Listen... what would you say if I told you a woman did most of the work?
Brockman: I'd have this gazebo torn down and built into a coffin... for your manhood.
Homer: Aah!
Brockman: Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so?
Homer: Uh... Like all manly men, I have a vivid imagination.
Brockman: Well said. Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.

Groundskeeper Willie: Okay, gimme all your peanuts, Goobers and Fluffer Nutters.
Bart: Why should we have to give up our salty snacks, just to keep one allergic kid from exploding?! Who is this selfish jerk anyway?
[everyone looks at Milhouse]
Milhouse: It's not me, I swear. I'm only allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy, and my own tears.

Homer: Look, I'm sorry you're upset. But if we tell the truth now, I'll be humiliated in front of the whole town. Then you won't be married to a man. You'll be married to some kind of gay jellyfish, floating outside the Florida Keys, cruising for rich snorkelers. You don't want that.

Marge: Why does Lenny need a windmill anyway?
Homer: He wants to grind his own corn. Maybe it'll finally shut him up about the high price of cornmeal.

Principal Skinner: Excuse me. I'm supposed to stand in your store window and breastfeed Bilbo Baggins.
Comic Book Guy: Your cowering suggests that Bart has found your 'kryptonite'.
Skinner: Kryptonite? What's that? The "ite" suffix suggests a mineral.
Comic Book Guy: I do not know whether to laugh or cry at your ignorance. I shall laugh: Ha-ha! Kryptonite is Superman's greatest weakness.

Lisa: Dad, here's a thought: if you just gave Mom credit, maybe she could help you.
Homer: Sweetie, you don't understand. If I can do this myself, then all those lies I told will be true. Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true?
Lisa: I'd like a Daddy who lived in the real world.
Homer: To Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.

Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!
Bart: No! I'm allergic!
Skinner: Stick-on-stick. Just like the knights of old.
Bart: No one teaches me history!

Skinner: If either of us falls in, we're doomed!
Bart: Kids don't die!
Season 18 Quotes
The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer Jazzy and the Pussycats Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em Treehouse of Horror XVII G.I. (Annoyed Grunt) Moe'N'a Lisa Ice Cream of Margie (with the Light Blue Hair) The Haw-Hawed Couple Kill Gil, Volumes I & II The Wife Aquatic Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times Little Big Girl Springfield Up Yokel Chords Rome-Old and Juli-Eh Homerazzi Marge Gamer The Boys of Bummer Crook and Ladder Stop or My Dog Will Shoot! 24 Minutes You Kent Always Say What You Want