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24 Minutes/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
- Kiefer Sutherland: Previously on 24- I mean, The Simpsons.
- Principal Skinner: Behold; our new state-of-the-art weapon in the global war against misbehavior. CTU: The Counter Truancy Unit.
- Lisa: The sixth-grade security camera shows three empty desks!
- Skinner: Enhance! (the camera zooms in, revealing "Skinner Stinks" carved into the desk) Dehance! Dehance!
- Mr. Burns: Simpson, you can take your putrid mess far out of my sight, you songless land-whale.
- Homer: Woo-Hoo! Business trip!
- Marge: If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage.
- Homer: Apu, I'm returning a yogurt I wasn't 100 percent satisfied with.
- Apu: Oh my God, if a dead fish and a homeless person had a baby, and the baby puked, and a dog ate the puke, this smells like the rear end of that dog!
- Skinner: Milhouse, bring them in.
- Milhouse: Roger that (he pulls on a hall monitor sash) And, Lisa, if I don't make it back, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
- Lisa: I already read it.
- Skinner: We've all read it.
- Skinner: Milhouse, change of plan... observe and follow.
- Milhouse: Permission to buy a Hostess fruit pie to keep my strength up?
- Skinner: Denied.
- Milhouse: Mr. Simpson, I'm scared.
- Homer: This is our life now, Milhouse. We're dumpster folk.
- Bart: If I help you, I want full immunity for all pranks past and future, and you have to teach me a swear word I don't already know.
- Skinner: No deal.
- [he gets up at if to leave]
- Bart: 'Kay, suit yourself... it's not as if you have any major events coming up that the bullies would want to disrupt.
- Skinner: [gasps] The bake sale!
- Lisa: Principal Skinner, as we both know, but you might need reminding, the annual provides 90 percent of the school's funding.
- Skinner: Okay, you have a deal, you conniving little...
- [he whispers something in Bart's ear]
- Bart: Wow, that's a swear?
- Skinner: Used as a noun it is.
- Bart: Lisa, they're gonna put a stink bomb in the school. I might be able to stop 'em, but I'll need a schematic of Jimbo's house.
- Lisa: Jimbo drew a couple of pictures of his house in second grade. But I can't vouch for their accuracy... the teacher gave him a frowny-face.
- [Bart tells Jack Bauer that his name is Ahmed Adoudi]
- Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does anyone know Ahmed Adoudi?
- Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adoudi, wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
- Jack Bauer: Really?
- Chloe O'Brian: No Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
- Jack Bauer: Damnit!
- Homer: Say, is your butt numb from all this vibrating? Mine is. Still, I wouldn't describe it as unpleasant.
- Lisa: Sir, we have to call off this bake sale, now!
- Skinner: Yes, yes, yes. We have to do something. Although, the basketball hoops have already been retracted... DJ Funtimes has already cashed his deposit... and Superintendent Chalmers won't be happy to hear-
- Chalmers: I won't be happy to hear what, Seymour?
- Skinner: Um... that, uh, bake sale revenue projections are through the roof.
- Chalmers: I'm very happy to hear that. You don't know me at all.
- Bart: Hey, Nelson, Martin just skipped past you singing "Skip to My Lou" and you did nothing!
- Nelson: Can't a guy enjoy a catchy tune?
- Martin: Okay, I kept my end of the deal. Release my friends. (Dolph tosses him an ant farm, and Martin examines it) All here, from Asimov to Zarathrustra... where's Phobos?
- Kearney: He's with us now.
- [he points to an ant on his shoulder then pats it on the head]
- Homer: Can I have some more money?
- Marge: I gave you ten dollars.
- Homer: All the other moms gave their husbands twenty.
- Marge: Well all the other husbands don't come home dirty from fighting.
- Homer: I had to fight! Lenny said his dad was Hulk Hogan and I know he's not!
- Bart: "HDW", what's that?
- Willie: That's the main valve of the hot dog water recirculation system. There's over thirty years of wiener soakings in there.
- Bart: Lis, you have to release that water. It's the only way to short out the fan.
- Lisa: But you and Willie will drown!
- Skinner: Possibly, but I can't risk Superintendent Chalmers finding out about-
- [Chalmers enters]
- Chalmers: Finding out about what, Seymour?
- Skinner: Um... about how early press coverage of the bake sale is uniformly positive.
- Chalmers: Once again, you have thoroughly misgauged my response. This is going on your permanent record.
- Marge: [kissing Bart] Oh, my special little guy! I'm so glad you're okay.
- Homer: [also kissing Bart] Oh, I'm just glad you taste like hot dogs!
- Jack Bauer: [shouting through a megaphone] Good work, Lisa!
- Bart: What about me?
- Jack Bauer: [taking out a gun] Bart Simpson, twelve minutes ago you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in! (several armed Humvees and a helicopter break through the gymnasium. Dozens of armed agents surround Bart). I pulled every single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision but I think I made the right call. [a mushroom cloud explodes behind him and everyone gasps] It's okay. That was Shelbyville.
- [everyone sighs with relief]
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