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Treehouse of Horror XVI/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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"Treehouse of Horror XVI"
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Opening Segment[edit]
- Sports Announcer: It's the sixth game in the world series, and the current highlights is a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay. And look at that. The batter just called time out again! Let's look in the stands with the player's wives. Oh what do you know! They're talking on cell phones. No doubt complaining about the good life.
- Kang: This is the most boring game in all the universe!
- Kodos: And with all those steroids they take they look like freaks!
- Both: Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! [A small minuture version of Kodos' head appears on Kodos' neck]
- Mini Kodos: Freaks! Freaks! [Kodos bites it off and eats it.]
- Kang: If we don't speed this game up, the Simpsons' Halloween Special will not air until Administrative Professionals' Day!
- Kodos: Speaking of which, we must remember to get Dorothy something. :[holds up a framed picture of Kang and Kodos with an attractive woman]
- Kang: The boredom is excruciating! Fire the Accele-Ray!
- [The flying saucer then fires the Accele-Ray at Earth, which causes the game to go faster.]
- Announcer: Strike out, left field. And some kind of Accele-Ray has bathed the stadium in an eerie green glow.
- Kang: It's still boring! Faster!
- Kodos: But the fabric of the universe itself may shatter!
- Kang: Good! Only then could the Cubs will finally win! [Kodos makes the Accele-Ray go faster]
- Kodos: [after the fabric of the universe shatters] Smooth move, space laxs! You've destroyed the totality of existents!
- Kang: It will be fine. I'll just leave a note. [Hangs a post-it note saying Trehouse of Horror XVI]
B.I.: Bartificial Intelligence[edit]
- Homer: Yeah, a robot son will be great. We can confuse him and make his head explode! [robot voice] This statement is a lie. But if it's a lie, then it must be true! And if it's true, it must be... Woop, woop, woop! KA-BOOM!
- Dr. Hibbert: And a robot would keep your mind off your dead son.
- Marge: I thought he was in a coma!
- Dr. Hibbert: They're pretty much the same thing except this way I get to keep billing you!
- Marge: You already said that!
- Dr. Hibbert: Well you didn't laugh the first time!
- Homer: Now, I'm a man who likes to strangle his son...
- Sarcastic Man: Go ahead.
- Homer: WHY YOU METAL!! [begins strangling David] Wow! The windpipe is so responsive!
- David: Bart, we can be friends.
- Bart: Eat my shorts!
- David: I will comply.
- [David eats Barts shorts and then processes them into a teddy bear for Maggie]
- Homer: [taking off his pants] Make me a kitty!
- Bart-tron: I'm home!
- Marge: You told me he was at culinary school.
- Homer: You wanted to believe the lie!
- Bart-tron: Time to destroy the one who did this to me!
- David: To get me, you will have to go through your fa... [David holds up Homer... and Bart slices them both]
- Homer: [after being cut in half] Oh, those were my good pants!
- Homer: This stinks! I've got stubby little robot legs and an ass that's not equipped for an adult diet! [the robot legs break and Homer falls over]
- Lisa: Dad, dad, dad! You're not a robot! [Homer wakes up to find he's in bed and the whole family is next to him] You're just possessed by the devil.
- Priest: The power of Christ compels thee! [throws a drop of holy water on Homer's head. Homer goes insane and his head keeps rotating as he climbs the wall and onto the ceiling]
- Marge: I'll call work and tell them he can't make it.
- Homer: Woo-hoo! [falls onto the bed on his belly with his head pointing to the ceiling] He, he, he. Suckers.
Survival of the Fattest[edit]
- Burns' invitation: [reading] "Dear Homer Simpson -- Mr. Burns invites you to a hunting party at his private estate." Parenthesis, sinister laugh, closed parenthesis.
- Lisa: Don't accept this invitation dad. Hunting is cruel!
- Homer: Lisa, animals don't feel death. That was proven by the scientists at Black Angus!
- Bart: No fair! Dad gets to kill wild animals, but I shoot one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist!
- Marge: He still thinks that hobo was a bird.
- Burns: Now, since I am so kind, I will give you a five minutes' head-start. You may commence running!
- Comic Book Guy: Five minutes of running? Just shoot me now! [Burns does so]
- Burns: Well, that broke the ice. Whoever lives to noon tomorrow shall win his freedom!
- Blue-haired lawyer: Excuse me. What gives you the right to do this?
- Burns: You tell me. You are my lawyer.
- Lawyer: Well, you are zoned for hunting and you claim killing humans is part of your religion. I think I can write something up. [cut to the Lawyer on a typewriter] There. This should work in just about any courtroom.
- Burns: Excellent. [kills the lawyer]
- Burns: I smell fear, mixed with curry.
- Apu: [after getting shot by Burns] Ah,you got me. But I shall be reincarnated. [dies, then a rabbit with Apu's face appears]
- Rabbit Apu: Ha, ha! You can't kill a Hindu! [his tail gets caught in a bear trap] Ah! Help me Jesus!
- [Homer running away from Burns while Burns is shooting him. A TV show logo appears.]
- Logo: "The World Series of Manslaughter"
- TV Announcer: You're watching the World Series of Manslaughter! The most violent spectacle since the Hip-Hop image awards!
- [Lisa and Marge watching TV.]
- Lisa: Mom! Mr. Burns is going to kill Dad!
- Marge: I should have known something was wrong when we got this week's TV guide. [Holds up the TV guide with a picture of Homer running away from Burns.]
- TV Guide: Must Flee TV.
- TV Announcer: And here with his take on tonight's bloodthirsty action, here's guest Terry Bradshaw. Terry.
- Terry Bradshaw: Well conventional wisdom says "Good fleeing will always mean good chasing" BUT the stats say "Put your money on the guy with the gun"!
- [Krusty being chased by Burns in the background and gets shot.]
- Krusty: Dying is just like golfing, except in golf - [Burns keeps shooting Krusty]
- Terry Bradshaw: Aw, you hate to see that. That's the kind of showboating that'll put people off this sport!
- Moe: [impaled on a weathervane] Well, before I die, I'll scratch off that lottery ticket I bought. [does so] Instant winner? One million dollars!? Boy, if I ever get out alive... [gets crushed by Wiggum]
- Lenny: [after getting shot by Burns' plane] Carl, I see Heaven.
- Carl: What does it look like?
- [We then see Lenny's vision: a Heaven with thousands of angels who look like Carl.]
- Carl angels: Hurry up, Lenny. We'll be late for work at the plant! [Lenny dies happily]
I've Grown a Costume on Your Face[edit]
- Mayor Quimby: And our finalist, Blacula.
- Dr. Hibbert: Good lord! Just because I'm black and I'm dressed as Count Dracula that makes me Blacula? My wife told me not to go as Count Dracula but I say "Bernice, we live the 21st century times have changed".
- Quimby: [to bodyguard] Get him the standard racial apology letter. It's in the middle drawer.
- Apu: Sucker! 25 dollars won't buy you a Balance bar! I exaggerate, but my prices are very high.
- Mayor Quimby: [to the witch] Now, which one of our beloved regulars are you? Lindsey Naegle? Helen Lovejoy? Old Jewish man?
- Old Jewish man: No, I'm here. I'm dressed as my brother Ivan. Everyday I miss him.
- Witch: Well, this is a little bit awkward, because I am not wearing a costume. I'm a real witch! [everyone gasps]
- Carl: Wait a minute. That's cheating!
- Sideshow Mel: Burn her! [pauses] ... gift certificate!
- Mayor Quimby: since you are not technically in costume you can't win this award.
- Witch: Rescind my award will you you're all going to pay.
- Witch: Taint of Mutant, scum uponed, thou shall become the guise thou donned!
- Carl: Speak English you moron.
- Witch:I am turning you into your costumes.
- Grampa: Look at me! I'm a hip, young, strapping gorilla!
- [Starts swinging from the telephone wires, but misses one wire and falls down, hurting himself. Dr. Dracula appears.]
- Dr. Dracula: Off we go to the gorilla hospital. [they fly off]
- Grampa: That's it, suck the poison out. Hey wait a minute. [screams]
- Disco Stu: [who went as Steve Martin] Disco Stu wishes he'd gone as Marilyn McCoo.
- Witch: Good luck getting your deposits back on those costumes!
- Mayor Quimby McCheese: [being eaten by the dogs] I am not a Happy Meal right now.
- Lisa Einstein: [German accent] Ach! Zer must be some way out of zis verdammten spell.
- Marge: Lisa, you think you can check on your father?
- Lisa: Oh, zat is an excellent use of a genius brain, to look after an idiot head.
- Lisa Einstein: *gasp* zats de answer, Maggie's a veal vitch now, she can veverse the spell!
- [Werebart growls and jumps on the table]
- WereBart: I don't want to reverse the spell, I can howl at the moon and eat rats [eats a rat and howls]
- Apu-D2: As for Apu-D2, I can go both ways. Beep, boop, beep, click, click.
- Moe: [after being turned into a giant pacifier] Oh. Well I Guess It's still better than being Moe.
- Moe: [to viewers] Okay that concludes this years Halloween show We hope you had as much fun watching' our show as the Koreans did animating' it.
- Moe: Dennis Rodman! What are you doing here?
- Dennis Rodman: Working off a speeding ticket.
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