The Wettest Stories Ever Told/Quotes
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374
"The Wettest Stories Ever Told"
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- Captain McCallister: Yarr. Sorry about the delay. The chef is having a problem with tonight's sepcial. [A knife-weilding chef is battling an octopus with eight knives]. Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you somethin' from a better restaurant.
- Marge: Red Lobster?
- Captain McCallister: Not that good [the family moan in dissapointment]. Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn may pass the time. Too bad I don't know any.
- Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history. The journey of "Mayflower".
- Captain McCallister: Ah, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
- Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
- Captain McCallister: Now who's being naiive?
Mayflower Madman[edit]
- Homer: I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes: ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel.
- Lisa: What about this swordfish?
- Homer: Oh! My life's work is ruined.
- Marge: Do you have your shipboard entertainments?
- Bart: I've got my toy wood lump! [he drops a lump of wood on the floor and starts to kick it around] What jolly fun!
- Beefeater Lenny: Has anyone seen this knave? [he holds up a picture of Homer]
- Beefeater Carl: He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the king's name is James, not Jacob.
- Lisa: Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.
- Homer: Oh Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.
- Homer: So, though art a widow, eh? Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.
- Homer: What kind of booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?
- Ned Flandish: Heh, heh, heh, we Puritans have no place for drunkenness... or colorful clothes, or dreaming, or poetry. So, if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet. [panicked] Oh no! That was a poem! [he pulls out a cat-o'-nine-tails and flogs himself with it] Forgive me, Lord! [he pours salt on his back] Then, pour a little salt in the wounds... and I'm good.
- Marge: I see you met our devout leader, Ned Flandish.
- Homer: Stupid Flandish.
- Homer: Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how 'bout a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest? What do yiu say, Miss...?
- Marge: Constance Prudence Chasity Goodfaith.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Marge: My friends call me "Marge".
- Homer: Huh?
- Marge: Marge Obedience Temperance Sexwon't.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Moezekiel: We're engaged! I didn't kill her husband just so.... I-I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.
- Marge: We're not engaged. Uh, it's really more of an amiable concordance.
- Flandish: Oh! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Such language from a woman. Oh no! I just thought of you as a woman! [begins flogging himself again].
- Reverend Lovejoy: Lord, we thank you for the many ways you show your love: the sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.
- Moezekiel: Oh my God, look at that hand-on-hand action! If I don't do somethin', soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.
- Marge: Yes, the weather is fair.
- Moezekiel: Man, that guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious. [he addresses the camera] That's how we talk, weird, huh? [returning to character] Time to think of a plan most sneaky.
- Moezekiel: Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm throwing a little party tonight to celebrate that only half of us have died so far.
- Homer: Beer! I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower.
- Moezekiel: Stop callin' it that.
- Homer: What-ever.
- Marge: Homer, I can't believe I was thinking about letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.
- Homer: But, baby, a man has needs.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.
- Bart: Oh, when we landed, I was going to denounce my sister as a witch.
- Lisa: I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft!
- Bart: Thirty-one plus forty-three.
- Lisa: Seventy-four.
- Pilgrims: [pointing at Lisa] Witch! Witch! Witch!
- Flandish: I just thought of a name for where we're going. New England!
- Willie: Oh, that's real creative. Whaddaya call your foot? "New hand"?
- Flandish: At least I'm pitching.
- Homer: Land ho!
- Marge: What did you call me?
- Flandish: Great Chief Wig-Gum, we could never have survived our first year in the new World without you. I almost regret what we Europeans are about to do to ya.
- Great Chief Wig-Gum: What are you gonna do?
- Flandish: Give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie! [under his breath] Also, we're gonna take your land and wipe you out. [normal talking voice] Who wants whipped topping?
Stupidity on the Bounty[edit]
- Marge: Who else has a story?
- Homer: I do!
- Marge: Homer, you can tell the third story. Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.
- Bart: Hey!
- Marge: I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.
- Bart: Well, I read this boring comic book about a ship called the "Bounty".
- Marge: Ooh, like the paper towels. Go on...
- Bligh: First of all, in an effort to save water, you will no longer be given any water. And because of a drawing of myself having a romantic congress with a merman... [the crew laughs]... I am dumping all your mail out to sea. And I can assure you, there were cookies in there. Good cookies. The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make.
- Milhouse: My father's alive?
- Bligh: No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter. [he throws Milhouse's letter out the window].
- Bosun Willie: I warn ye, captain, push this crew too far, and there'll be mutiny.
- Bligh: Mutiny? On the "Bounty"? Heh, heh, heh, heh. What have you been smoking.
- Bosun Willie: Opium.
- Bligh: Besides that.
- King Homer: Welcome to our tropical paradise. Enjoy our lugas, our lagoons, and our ladies. And remember, what happens in Tahiti stays in Tahiti.
- Queen Marge: Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world, tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steam boat yet?
- Jimbo: Any day now.
- Queen Marge: Ooooh.
- Fletcher Christian: Captain, this is a mutiny.
- Bligh: [uncomfortable laugh] Well, let's not be hasty, there, uh, what if I introduce a suggestion box?
- Dolph: We have a suggestion box. You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.
- Christian: Well, I know you had your doubts, men, but there they are... the most beautiful women in the world.
- Kearney: Those are penguins.
- Christian: Well, look at it this way. We're going to discover the North Pole.
- Jimbo: South Pole.
- Christian: Oh boy, do I suck.
- Jimbo: Yeah.
The Neptune Upending[edit]
- Disco Stu: The ship's doctor has reported an outbreak of... disco fever! The only cure is to do a little dance, make a little love... get down tonight.
- Lenny: [worried;y taking notes] Wait, what was the second one?
- Lisa: [singing to the tune of "The Morning After"] I think we're headed for disaster, And most of you will not be saved. Unless the captain is attentive, we'll all be crushed by a huge wave.
- Homer: Woo-Hoo! It's almost New Year's! Ten... nine... eight-
- Marge: Homer, the ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead.
- Homer: Three... two... one... Happy New Year! [he blows a noisemaker] My resolution is to be more fun.
- Selma: I've spent the entire cruise reading these maintenance brochures because as a lonely single woman, I've had nothing better to do.
- Surviving men: Awww.
- Selma: "Awwws" are cheap, I'm looking for some action.
- Lenny: Whatever you do, don't look down! I mean up! I can't do this anymore, it's too confusing! Ahhhh! [he lets go of the ladder and plummets to his death].
- Carl: Not that confusing.
- Comic Book Guy: I've tied it off. You're all going to make it. [he clutches his chest] Tell the world... that I saved you all. [he dies].
- Homer: Don't tell me what to do.
- Christian: Do you guys know the way to Tahiti?
- Dolph: Way to go, genius. You sailed into someone else's tale of the sea.
- Christian: At least I'm not gay for skeleton Kearney.
- Jimbo: Our ribs got tangled 75 years ago! That's not gay!
- Christian: Right, you keep believing that.
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