Million-Dollar Abie/Quotes
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- Jock Center anchor: But first, the commissioner of pro football has announced plans to expand the league! Owners will meet soon to award a new team to one lucky city.
- Marge: Well, it's a cinch Springfield won't be that lucky city.
- Lisa: Yeah, the only thing we're known for is leading the country in heart attacks.
- Homer: Marge, meet pro football's newest team: the Springfield Meltdowns! Plus I designed a state-of-the-art stadium. We'll fund it with corporate naming rights. It's the Duff Beer Krusty Burger Buzz Cola Costington's Department Store Kwik-E-Mart Stupid Flanders Park!
- The Rich Texan: I'm sick of L.A.! They got earthquakes, wildfires, Bennifers, Brangelinas, and that potty mouth Sarah Silverman! To hell with all of 'em!
- Female owner: I didn't kill my husband to get control of his franchise to give a team to Los Angeles!
- Rich Texan: Then Springfield it is! Yee ha! Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go tell my gay grandson I still love him.
- Sideshow Mel: "Touchdown Avenue"? Delightful!
- Jimbo Jones: Who ya talkin' to? Your imaginary girlfriend?
- Sideshow Mel: Isn't your mother a well-known whore?
- Jimbo: You win this round, Mel.
- Grampa: If I knock him out, I'll be a hero. And people will listen to my loose-brained nonsense.
- Lisa: It's so strange that the commissioner didn't show up.
- Homer: Maybe he's thinking of a new shape for the football.
- Homer: You're a useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.
- Grampa: I watch the baby.
- Marge: Where is the baby?
- Grampa: You left me with a baby?
- Dr. Egoyan: Mr. Simpson, you are a good candidate for assisted suicide.
- Grampa: Aw, I think you're cute, too.
- Dr. Egoyan: But killing yourself isn't as easy as putting on an ugly sweater like you did today. I want you to carefully think about this for twenty-four hours.
- Grampa: Oh, I see. You want me to reconsider whether or not I really should give up my life.
- Dr. Egoyan: Yeah. And we're cleaning the death machine today. A lot of gunk gets stuck in it.
- Grampa: Okay... if I get a single phone call in the next twenty-four hours, I'll keep on livin'.
- Jasper Beardsley: If you go, can I have your blanket and your liver?
- Grampa: Blanket? Sure. Liver? Never!
- Grampa: You're all dead too? So, who went berserk? Fatso or the little guy?
- Los Souvenir Jacquitos leader: I suggest we use the stadium for the ancient art of the toreador... bullfighting!
- Lisa: No! Wait! Wait! Bullfighting is a cruel, pseudo-sport!
- Homer: Lisa's right! It is a cool, super sport!
- Lisa: Grampa, I think you should give up the bullfighting.
- Grampa: Forget it! I'd look pretty stupid in this outfit walkin' around fightin' oysters!
- Spanish announcer: Grampa Simpson's movements are tentative. As if he is distracted. Distracted as if by a moral dilemma. A moral dilemma posed by a young boy... no, a girl! A girl named Linda... no, Lisa! The flutter of the cape tells all.
