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Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
"Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife"
- Homer: I am so stoked about Lenny's party. He said he was gonna make a surprise announcement!
- Marge: Maybe he's getting married?
- Homer: Why the hell would he want to do that... blessed sacrament that has made my life so rich? I like your hat, sweetie.
- Marge: I'm not wearing a hat.
- Homer: I mean the one at the house.
- Brandine: Another party and we cain't go.
- Cletus: Yeah. Just 'cause we's afraid of usin' the uppity box. [points at the elevator]
- Carl: Ain't no party like a Lenny party, 'cause a Lenny party don't stop! [checks his watch] Eh, I gotta work tomorrow. I-I'd better go.
- Homer: How did Lenny get to be "Newsfake" magazine's man of the year?
- Marge: That's just a souvenir from am amusement park.
- Homer: What?! Next you'll be telling me he didn't meet Woody Woodpecker. [points to a photo of Lenny shaking Woody's hand]
- Lenny: I dated the woman in that suit for three months. Then she left me for the guy that cleans the vomit off the roller coasters.
- Homer: Lenny, bring me a beer and your deepest chamber pot. Chop-chop!
- Homer: Later, if I have enough energy, we can walk up to the TV, and I'll show you how thin it is.
- Lisa: [looking out the window] Wow, there's a rainbow outside.
- Homer: [pointing to the TV] Oh yeah, well, right there's a commercial with a dancing cold sore.
- Lenny: Beat it! This is my alone time.
- Homer: Can you at least take a picture of me with the TV?
- Lenny: I ain't fallin' for that again. [points to several framed pictures of Homer posing with the TV on the wall]
- Homer: Oh yeah, good times.
- Homer: Yello?
- Smooth-voiced man: Congratulations, Mr. Simpson, you've won!
- Homer: The big-screen TV?
- Smooth-voiced man: No. No one wins that. You win third prize. A tour of the Fox Network in Los Angeles, California.
- Homer: All expenses paid?
- Smooth-voiced man: Uh, look, I gotta go.
- Tour guide: Ooh, why look, there's Dan Castellaneta from The Tracey Ullman Show.
- Homer: Hey, funny man, say something funny!
- Dan Castellaneta: Please, don't lean out the tram, sir, you might get hurt.
- Homer: Ooh, "don't lean out the tram-" Aaaaagh! [Homer is knocked out of the tram by a statue of Mischa Barton]
- Marge: What are you doing, Homer?
- Homer: I'm signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.
- Marge: Well, that might be interesting... or it could damage many, many lives.
- [Homer and Bart moon the cameraman.]
- Producer: Uhh. We'd better pixelate those.
- Doug: [panicky] There aren't enough pixels in the world!
- Producer: Yeah, urm, just cover it with Ryan Seacrest's head.
- Producer: Your two families will exchange wives for a month. Then a viewer vote will decide who they think is the least reprehensible.
- Lisa: I don't understand, dad. Our family has so many flaws. Why must we share them with the world?
- Homer: Because we'll be on TV, and earn enough money to buy a TV. TV!
- Lisa: But, dad...
- Homer: Yes, TV-sa?
- Lisa: Eh, forget it.
- Homer: Listen up, Stonehenge. I made a drawing of the places on Marge you can't touch. Especially the hair.
- Charles Heathbar: Oh, you needn't worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man, myself, actually. Heh, heh, heh. A bit different, a bit weird. Not sexual.
- Homer: You take forever to say nothing.
- Verity Heathbar: Charles hasn't satisfied me in years.
- Homer: Yeah, that's how I feel about Notre Dame football.
- Marge: So, Charles, what do you do for a living?
- Charles: Well, I'm an office manager, and no, I didn't even get a promotion today, again. So go on, go ahead. Disembowel me with your pointy, pointy words.
- Verity: Young man, I'm going to turn that cartoon into homework.
- Bart: Help me, cameraman! I let you some a cigarette in my bedroom!
- Doug: [brusque] That was a joint. And I have a name. It's Doug.
- Charles: One more kind word from her, and I am completely smitten.
- Marge: Ooh, your toaster takes bagels! How ritzy!
- Charles: And there we have it.
- Homer: What's that delicious smell?
- Verity: I'm burning all of your underwear.
- Marge: I'm sorry, but I love Homer.
- Charles: Uhhh. Of course, you do. He's a real man... not like me, a miserable toad under the thumb of the biggest bitch this side of the Westminster Kennel Club.
- Marge: Charles, please... your son might see this.
- Charles: He's not my real son! His real father is either the pool man or my wife's lover. Oh, ho. They're the main two candidates I've narrowed it down to. Pretty sure.
- Marge: Oh, there, there. God, I miss Homer.
- Charles: I miss him too. What is it about him that is so damned irresistible?
- Marge: Well, he's loved me ever since the first moment he saw me, and he's never stopped. And whatever it takes to make me happy, he'll do it, even if it kills him.
- [Doug turns to the director.]
- Doug: Sorry, I ran out of tape just before that beautiful speech of hers. But I got a great shot of him saying his son's a bastard.
- Marge: Lisa! What are you doing in the nutmeg state?
- Lisa: Fox flew me out here to bring you back. They flew me on Frito-Lay's Air Force Yum! And I'm required to say "Come to the cool ranch and rope in the flavor. Yee-haw."
- Marge: Let's go home, sweetie. I'm sure there's a hamper full of Homer waiting for me.
- Charles: And I'm coming with you... to tell my sea hag of a wife, "You're fired!" Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. I was doing, uh, Donald Trump? Billionaire? If you knew who he was, you'd be dying.
- Lisa: I know who Donald Trump is.
- Marge: Me too.
- Charles: I don't think you do. Spot on.
- Homer: Oh, Marge, thank god you're back! She made me spend time with the kids! And not just TV time. Talking time!
- Charles: Where is she? Where's the soul-sucking she-beast that I call "Sweetums"?
- Homer: Maggie? She's in her crib.
- Verity: Charles, I'm leaving you.
- Patty: Ya snooze, ya lose.
- Charles: You're leaving me for him?!
- Homer: So it would appear. However, Cousin Itt there, was born a woman.
- Patty: What brought us together is how much we hate you.
- Homer: Yeah, well, I'm gonna vote no on 38 so you can't adopt. [Patty twists his arm] Ah! Ow! Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote! The polling place is up a hill, and I never make it!