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Simpsons Christmas Stories/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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365
"Simpsons Christmas Stories"
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- Marge: Where's Reverend Lovejoy? He's never been late for Christmas service.
- Homer: Maybe he's cheating on us with the Episcopalians. [jealous] Look at 'em, with their bright, airy narthex and light, flaky Eucharist. I wouldn't mind dipping my hand in their font.
- Ned Flanders: You want me to deliver the Christmas sermon? I feel like I'm born again again!
- Virgin Mary: Joseph... you know I have never lain with a man.
- Saint Joseph: Tell me about it.
- Mary: And yet... I am with child.
- Joseph: A pregnant virgin?! That's every man's worst nightmare.
- Gabriel: Mary, you carry in your womb the Son of God, who will grow up to become King of the Jews.
- Mary: [disappointed] So... not a doctor.
- Gabriel: Well, he will be able to heal the sick.
- Mary: But nothing to hang on the wall.
- Gabriel: [groans]
- Wise Man Hibbert: King Herod! We three wise men come bearing gifts for the King of the Jews. We bring gold...
- Wise Man Skinner: Frankincense...
- Wise Man Frink: ...And myrrh, which I am re-gifting! 'Cause who needs myrrh?
- Innkeeper: Now, don't you worry, I've got plenty of rooms at my inn. All with brand new carpeting.
- Mary: I think my water just broke.
- Innkeeper: You can have the barn.
- Shepherd Carl: I knew I'd like him. But I never dreamed I'd adore him.
- Shepherd Lenny: I've got the Messiah's nose! I've got the Messiah's nose!
- Shepherd Carl: Give it back, give it back—he'll kill us all!
- Joseph: My wine turned into water! Who could've performed such a cruel miracle?
- Baby Jesus: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
- Joseph: Why you little--
- Gabriel: Joseph, no! He has to stay alive till he's thirty-three, when he'll be renounced by his friends and crucified!
- Baby Jesus: Huh?!
- Gabriel: Sorry, kid.
- Mary: Aww... I think this non-traditional household just might make it.
- Joseph: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! We've got a great family.
- Homer: And did you know that little Baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus?
- Congregation: Ohhh...!
- Homer: I know, it's weird, isn't it?
- Bart: Grampa?!
- Lisa: What are you doing in the chimney?
- Grampa: Trying to kill Santa. What's it to ya?
- Bart: What do you have against Santa?
- Grampa: He screwed me over back in Double-ya Double-ya two. I was a Navy pilot in the Pacific...
- Lisa: [loud whisper] Oh, Bart, why'd you ask him a follow-up question?
- Bart: [loud whisper] It just slipped out!
- Cyrus Simpson: Kamikazes at two o'clock!
- Young Grampa: Well, I don't usually drink after lunch, but oh, my God the sky is fulla that kinda plane that crashes into the boat!
- Young Grampa: You'll pay for that, you haiku-spoutin' savages!
- Young Grampa: A shaving kit! Is this pomade?
- Young Burns: It's nothing really. Just seagull brains and snail goo.
- Santa Claus: My sleigh! It's ruined!
- Young Grampa: Well, we'll get you up and running or my name ain't Young Grampa Simpson!
- Young Burns: This sleigh is my ticket off this hell hole! And I'm keeping all the toys for myself. Because at heart I'm just a very wicked child.
- Young Grampa: You backstabber! And I let you spoon me.
- Santa Claus: Your brother didn't die in the war, Abe. He crashed into Tahiti and he liked it so much, he never left. And now, if you like, I'll take you to him.
- Grampa: Will we be back for the Tournament of Roses Parade?
- Santa Claus: Probably not.
- Grampa: Good. I hate that crap.
- Santa Claus: Yeah, me too.
- Grampa: Santa, one thing's still buggin' me. Why didn't you ever come back to pick me up?
- Santa Claus: I kept putting it off, and then I was just too embarrassed.
- Cyrus: Sorry I never called, Abe. I was too busy with my fifteen native wives!
- Grampa: Fifteen? Woo, that sounds like a lotta sex!
- Cyrus: I said wives, not girlfriends.
- Homer: My God... it's over... We're free!
- Mr. Largo: It's not over, it's just intermission!
- Homer: I said we're free!
- Moe Szyslak: Hey Barn, as a special gift to me this year, will you kill me?
- Barney Gumble: But I already got you a wool hat.
- Moe: Maybe next year. Huh?
- Marge: I knew you'd forget, so my gift to you is a gift for you to give me.
- Homer: Oh, it's just what I wanted. Here, Marge, this is for you.
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