My Fair Laddy/Quotes
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- Willie: [talking about the Home, Sweet Home sign Lisa made for him] You made that for me? [sniffles] I think I need a moment alone.
- Lisa: I understand. [leaves]
- [When she's gone, Willie takes the sign off the wall and smashes it.]
- Willie: I liked it the way it was!
- [Marge is shocked by the ad on Homer's head when he turns out the lights.]
- Marge: It glows in the dark!
- Homer: [nervously] It's not supposed to.
- Coach Krupt: Bombardment! Bombardment! Bombardment!
- Jimbo: Look at her, trying to civilize Willie! That's as unlikely as Kearney going around the world in eighty days!
- Kearney: [has a thought] Eighty days? More than ample time to circumnavigate the globe.
- Jimbo: Would you care to wager on that?
- Kearney: You're on!
- Dolph: I shall hold the money!
- [Pays Jimbo some money and then bikes off screen right. A few seconds later, a hot-air balloon appears going the opposite way.]
- Kearney: [in balloon] To Istanbul!
- Jimbo: Wrong way, dingus!
- Coach Krupt: Today we will be playing a game as old as pain itself, BOMBARDMENT.
- Milhouse: I'm intrigued! How do you play?
- Coach Krupt: DUCK OR DIE!
- Coach Krupt: VAN HOUTEN!
- Milhouse: [sheepishly] Here, sir, but my doctor says no more bombardment.
- Coach Krupt: WELL HERE'S A SECOND OPINION! [the coach chucks a dodgeball at Milhouse] MUNTZ!
- Nelson: Do your worst! I'm drunk!
- Coach Krupt: Well welcome to A.A., ALWAYS ATTACKING! [the coach chucks a dodgeball at Nelson]
- Lisa: Good night, Willie!
- Willie: Good night! [hits himself on the head with a hammer, then falls asleep]
- Coach Krupt: [after he hits Bart with a ball] Son, are you all right?
- Bart: I think so...
- Coach Krupt: BOMBARDMENT![hits Bart with a ball again]
- Bart: [puts a water dodgeball in the freezer and takes out Lisa's saxophone] Why did I put this in here?
- Lisa: My saxophone! [begins playing, but her lips get stuck]
- Bart: Oh, now I remember!
- Lisa: [muffled] You jerk! I'm telling Mom!
- [Homer is on a go-kart when his seat collapses, causing his butt to scrape the ground.]
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Sir, your go-kart's broken!
- Homer: No! I paid for fifty laps and I'm taking them!
- [Homer then has brief moments of laughter followed by brief moments of pain. He passes the lap sign, which goes from "2" to "3".]
- Groundskeeper Largo: Oh for God's sake! [camera pulls out, revealing his tractor is on the school roof] How did I get up here?
- Willie: I feel like I..[singing] could be indoors all night, could use a fork and knife, and never soil my suit! I could be so polite, start not a scene nor fight and still not feel like a fruit! How very nice that there's no lice in my hair, and my toenails I don't bite! Now that I've reached the stage where I'm not full of rage, I could be indoors, indoors, all night!
- Willie: [sings to the tune of wouldn't it be loverly] All I want is a place somewhere...
- Lisa: [pause] And?
- Willie: That's it.
- Bart: Maybe you should aim a little higher.
- Willie: Hmm... Let's see... [continues singing] Oh, to have me shack rebuilt, Get my rotten teeth all drillt, something on underneath my kilt, oh, wouldn't it be adequate? Matching shoes for both me feet, dining on untainted meat, a toilet what still has its seat.
- [Zoom to Homer sitting on the toilet reading a newspaper.]
- Homer: Oh,wouldn't it be adequate?
- Bart and Lisa: Adequate? Adequate?
- Willie: Wouldn't it be adequate? [tries to close the living room's window's curtains but they fall down]
- Homer: [watching Super Bowl ad for blue pants] How long is this ad?
- Executive: I don't know. I've never made it to the end.
- Willie: [singing] What flows from the nose does not go on my clothes.
- Lisa: I think he's got it, oh yeah, he's got it.
- Willie: [in front of Lisa's mirror] What flows from the nose-
- Willie's mirror reflection: -Does not go on my clothes.
- Willie: Gah! A talking mirror! [takes a chair and smashes Lisa's mirror] Gah! [takes Bart and Lisa's noses and swoops them]
- Lisa: Where is that ghastly flow?
- Willie: The nose,the nose!
- Lisa: And where should it not go?
- Homer: Blue pants, blue pants!
- Lisa: [stops singing] Dad, get your own song!
- Homer: Fine. [goes away singing] I'm getting blue pants in the morning, ding dong, the zipper's gonna shine!
- Willie: [singing] I've a fancy suit,and a clean white shirt, but I miss the days when tractor fumes blew up my skirt. I was freezing cold, and I slept in mold, but I long for the shack where I lived. She was true to me, my own home of wood, and when I passed out drunk from turpentine she understood. Life was so sublime-
- Groundskeeper Largo: -Well Boo-Hoo,'cause I'm hanging ferns in the shack where you lived! [stops singing] If I had your voice I'd talk-sing everything!
- Marge: Willie, do you want to stay at our house?
- Willie: I don't need your charity, just as long as I've got a pan over my head.
- Marge: That's a colander.
- Willie: [sees that Marge is right] So that's where all the soup went.
- Willie: I feel like I... [singing]
- Could be indoors all night,
- Could use a fork, and knife,
- and never soil my suit!
- I could be so polite
- Start not a single fight
- And still not feel like a fruit!
- How very nice
- That there's no lice
- In my hair.
- And my toe-nails I don't bite.
- Now that I've reached the stage
- Where I'm not full of rage
- I could be indoors
- Indoors all night!
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