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The Wandering Juvie/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
- Saleswoman: This is our Li'l Hooker line. All the girls your age are wearing it... except the freakishly unpopular.
- Lisa: But I'm eight years old!
- Saleswoman: So is your look.
- Principal Skinner: Edna, we don't need wedding china. The dishes mother won on Let's Make a Deal are holding up nicely.
- Edna Krabappel: Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us.
- Skinner: And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water and two-sided sponges?
- Ms. Krabappel: [speechless] Hmph. [she storms off]
- Skinner: Silent anger; the cornerstone of a successful marriage.
- Milhouse: A fake wedding? That's what I call chutzpah.
- Bart: Yeah, I'm gonna scam this town out of so many presents. And, what I don't use, I'm gonna return... for store credit.
- Bart and Milhouse: Store credit! Store credit! Store credit!
- Mr. Burns: Another employee family wedding. What's the traditional peasant gift, a milking cow?
- Smithers: Actually, silverware is all that's left on the registry.
- Burns: Oh, see if Lenny wants to go in on a spoon.
- Mayor Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
- Mayor Quimby's niece: I am your niece, Uncle Joe.
- Quimby: Good lord, I'm an abomination!
- Chief Wiggum: So, you thought you'd pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest!
- Bart: C'mon, chief, it was just a prank. Would flatware make things right?
- Wiggum: Um. What does it say on my badge? Cash bribes only. Let's go.
- Judge Constance Harm: Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering. Just look at this file. [she holds up a normal sized folder]
- Marge: That doesn't look so big.
- Judge Harm: Those are the directions to the facility where Bart's criminal record occupies three full storage lockers.
- Marge: Six feet by eight?
- Judge Harm: Six by fourteen!
- Bart: Judge?! Please, judge, you can't... I... I'll do anything! I'll squeal on my dad. He's been up to bad things. Crap you've never even thought of.
- Chief Wiggum: We've already got an informer working deep undercover on your dad. One he'll never suspect.
- Homer: Is it Lenny?
- Wiggum: Dammit! I mean... uh, no. No.
- [Lenny stands up, tears off a wire from his chest and walks off]
- Ralph Wiggum: [to Marge while she's crying] Your eyes need diapers.
- Marge: [sobbing] My boy is in jail! I'm the worst mom in the world!
- Homer: It's not all your fault. All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing. So, in a way, I too, am victim... of you.
- The Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
- Homer: I believe that children are the future... unless we stop them now. [Homer hits his fist into his hand]
- Warden: Welcome aboard! [the warden holds up a nightstick] This end's for beating, this end's for holding. [gives it to Homer]
- Homer: Uh-huh, when does training start?
- Warden: It just finished.
- Homer: Here you are, son. I brought you a lollipop from the guards' lounge.
- Bart: [sticks his tongue out at the tormentors] Not so tough now, huh?
- [A buzzer sounds.]
- Homer: Well, that's the end of my shift. See you Monday. Oh, wait. Monday's Martin Luther King Day. I'll see ya when I see ya. [Homer kisses Bart's forehead and tussles his hair] Love you.
- [Homer leaves and the other inmates advance on Bart.]
- Bart: Uh, this lollipop's really for everyone.
- The Warden: You two will dance, and you'll like it. Then you'll have punch, and you'll drink it. Then your eyes will meet, and it will be awkward. So help me, God.
- The Warden: They're escaping! Seal the perimeter!
- Janitor: I'm on it! [he raises a long pole and lamely attempts to pull the window closed]
- Warden: Can't you go any faster?
- Janitor: Well, I can close it faster or I can close it right.
- Warden: Can't you do both?
- Janitor: Talk to the union.
- Gina Vendetti: Hey, I'm only stickin' with you 'til I get these chains off. And, if we get caught, I'm tellin' 'em this was your idea.
- Bart: Yeah? Why would they believe you?
- Gina: Because I can do this. [she starts crying] That mean boy, he dragged me out of the dance... and I didn't want to go, but he was too strong!
- Bart: But you've got twenty pounds on me!
- Gina: And then he said I was fat!
- Bart: Oh, I am screwed!
- Kent Brockman: To understand the mindset of the escapees, we've brought in an expert, former under-aged offender... Snake.
- Snake: If they're smart, Kent, they'll stay off the main roads. [hold up a book] It's all here in by book The Ten Habits of Highly Successful Criminals.
- Brockman: Okay, I plugged your book, now put down the gun.
- [Snake cocks the gun and presses it against Kent's chest.]
- Snake: Tell them I'll be on Conan Thursday with Heather Locklear and Third Eye Blind.
- Lisa: Why would Bart escape if he's gonna be released in two weeks?
- Homer: You just don't understand boys. He's stupid.
- Wiggum: Say, Cletus, have you seen a couple of kids go by?
- Cletus: I don't have such good memory since I drank my thermometer [slaps the side of his head to straighten his wandering eye] but I whittles what I sees. Is this them? [holds up a carving of Gina and Bart]
- Wiggum: It sure is. We're on the right track. Uh, hey, what are you making now?
- Cletus: Uh, sometimes I whittles the future. [holds up a carving of Chief Wiggum being mauled by a bear]
- Wiggum: Hmm.
- Bart: Great. I can get these cuffs off before I get a full-blown case of the cooties.
- Gina: Bart, I can't believe you don't know this, but there's no such thing as cooties, cootie shots, cootie forcefields or cootie insurance.
- Bart: But State Farm took my money!
- Bart: You're such a psycho!
- Gina: Mama's boy!
- Bart: Future skank!
- Gina: Family guy!
- Wiggum: Plant the evidence on 'em, boys!
- Lou: Uh, chief, we don't have to. These ones are actually guilty.
- Wiggum: Super. Makes our jobs that much easier.
- Homer: Son, I want you to know, no matter what anyone says, there's no shame in being caught alive.
- Wiggum: Take a good long look at the innocent love in your son's eyes. 'Cause when he gets out of prison, it'll be gone forever. He will have a great bod, though. And a couple of those teardrop tattoos. Those are cool!
- Gina: There's something I have to tell you guys.
- Lou: I... look, my fly is down because it's broken, okay?
- Gina: No, it's something else.
- Wiggum: Bart, she took all the responsibility for the escape. You're free to go.
- Eddie: But the kid's still got time on his sentence, chief.
- Wiggum: Look, if you all want to squeeze into the back seat, fine. With my box kite.
- Eddie: Oh, forget it.
- Warden: Welcome back, Gina. I got a few new cellmates for you.
- Gina: That's cool. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the bathroom with no one watching.
- Bart: I thought you might want to have a nice family dinner.
- Marge: We're having "make your own taco night".
- Homer: Gina, thanks for showing us the meaning of Christmas.
- Lisa: And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool.
- Gina: Who is this nerd?
- Lisa: [scared] Taco, please.
- Warden: Well, my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich... turn on Will & Grace... and cry myself to sleep.
- [the warden braces himself against the cell door]
- Marge: Hmm. Would you like to join us?
- Warden: [annoyed] Didn't you hear me? I've got an evening planned! [he slams the cell door shut]
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