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Margical History Tour/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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324
"Margical History Tour"
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- Lisa: "Everybody Poops: The Video"? "Yu-Gi-Oh! Price Guides"? There are hardly any books at all!
- Milhouse: No books? But Krabappel wants a paper on Henry the Eighth—and I have to score at least a pumpkin sticker or better on it.
- Court herald: Her majesty, Margarine of Aragon!
- Henry VIII: What are you doing out of bed? I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt.
- Margarine of Aragon: Your Majesty, I know you want a son, but must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court?
- Royal physician: As Royal physician it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents.
- Henry VIII: [talking in his sleep] Must sire a dude. Must sire a dude.
- Prince Bart: [in dream bubble] Father dearest, I am the son you crave! I'm smart, athletic and ever so masculine. Could a girl belch like this? [belches]
- Henry VIII: [moans] My beautiful boy! Why can't I have you?
- Prince Bart: I'unno. Too much jerkin' your merkin?
- Henry VIII: Why you little...! Get out of my dreams and into my wife!
- Margarine: I could have married the King of France. He wasn't so preoccupied with procreation. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Know what I mean?
- Henry VIII: Oh, look at me—I eat and eat and eat, and I never get any thinner!
- Anne Boleyn: Well, there's more of you to worship, oh sire.
- Henry VIII: Who would dare to flatter a King?
- Anne Boleyn: Anne Boleyn—loyal subject, big fan. "Modern Wench" Magazine dubbed me "Anne of the Child-Bearing Hips."
- Henry VIII: Yes. Wide hips indeed... my son could cartwheel out!
- Thomas More: Divorce? Sire, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church. But it's the only church we've got, so what are you gonna do?
- Henry VIII: I'll start my own church.
- Thomas More: Wha?
- Henry VIII: Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of marriages will end in it.
- Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope. And I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
- Henry VIII: I understand. And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonize you.
- [Cut to a castle turret where Thomas More is shot out of a cannon.]
- Thomas More: I can see my house!
- Margarine: Sweetie, sometimes a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart. It's not your fault, it's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything.
- Henry VIII: So grow a penis or get lost.
- Archbishop Lovejoy: And by the power vested in me by you just now, I pronounce you King and trophy Queen. In the name of the Henry, the Hank and the Holy Harry. Amen. Henry.
- Executioner: Your head lives for five seconds afterwards, so I left a magazine in the basket.
- Anne Boleyn: Ooh! My horoscope! "Today will bring welcome new changes into your life." Wrong!
- Henry VIII: [disgusted] Why on earth did I marry you?
- Anne of Cleves: My track record! I've had ten sons. Now take a ride on the king-maker!
- Chief Homer: Long have we awaited the coming of the White Man, and Carl.
- Meriwether Lewis: Thanks, and welcome to the United States of America.
- William Clark: Have a flag. And while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our lord.
- Chief Homer: Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on it. Now in order to aid your journey across the land, I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea. In our language, her name means "Little Know-It-All Who Won't Shut Her Maize Hole."
- Sacagawea: I will be happy to help the Americans. [lying] Of course I will be sad to leave my husband, the French fur trader, Charbonneau.
- Charbonneau: I will come with you. Because by myself, the darkness, she scares me.
- Chief Homer: I don't know why I ever sold you to him.
- Sacagawea: Okay, those berries are poison, those leaves are poison oak and your belt is a snake, also poisonous.
- Tweedleburger: I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude. [drops to the ground] You know you... I'm dying. But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger.
- Lewis: At last, the Pacific Ocean.
- Sacagawea: That's a mud puddle.
- Lewis: Some of us find solutions instead of just pointing out problems.
- Sacagawea: How did you two ever get to be explorers?
- Lewis: We got the job because we own a compass.
- Clark: It turns out the needle was just painted on.
- Clark: Wow, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific, and get us some sweet mermaid sex.
- Sacagawea: For the last time, those are salmon.
- Marge: Bart, what famous historical figure do you want to write about?
- Bart: I'unno. The boogeyman?
- Marge: C'mon, Bart—we can make this fun. History's like an amusement park, except instead of rides, you have dates to memorize.
- Bart: Mom, everyone who ever lived is boring.
- Sally Salieri: Papa, let me be the headliner. I always show up on time and I close the piano lid ever so softly.
- Homer: Oh little Salieri, why don't you go play with the other three untalented members of our family... Tito, Randy and Jermaine.
- Marge: Sally, no one practices as hard as you—but it's your brother who keeps us in lead-based face powder.
- Salieri: Don't you have music to write?
- Mozart: I'm doing it right now. I call this my "Symphony In Gee, My Sister Sucks."
- Salieri: Oh, Mozart, I know you are gravely ill. So I've brought you the very finest doctor in all of Austria.
- Dr. Nick: Guten Tag, everybody!
- Mozart and Salieri: Guten Tag, Doctor Nick.
- Dr. Nick: I can tell from here you have too much blood. Let's get you covered in leeches! [covers Mozart in leeches] Don't be shy, eat the little boy. Now in the morning you'll be good as new or dead. But the important thing is, we'll know.
- Homer: Mozart, you can't die. I don't want to live in a world without... the income you produce.
- Marge: I'll never forget when you were a little baby, and I sang you the lullabies you wrote.
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