The President Wore Pearls/Quotes
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"The President Wore Pearls"
- Homer: Ooh boy, casino night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six.
- Marge: [worried] I really shouldn't be here—I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candy Land with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.
- Homer: Aw Marge, I bet you've gotten that out of your system.
- Marge: Bet... system... betting system! God is telling me to gamble!
- Drederick Tatum: Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism. So relax, have fun and, please God, don't piss me off.
- Principal Skinner: Congratulations Mr. Student Body President—your casino night is a huge success.
- Martin Prince: Thanks, Principal Skinner. I got the idea from an episode of Saved By the Bell.
- Skinner: That was always on too late for me.
- Skinner: Care for a milk?
- Martin: No thank you.
- Skinner: Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president.
- Martin: I'll have that milk now.
- Skinner: Easy there. That's whole milk.
- Martin: I'm a private citizen now, I can drink what I like.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner!! I'm worried. This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself. She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Skinner: Yeah. The students will do anything she says. She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.
- Chalmers: Hm, yeah. Well we've got to find a way to control her. Hey, maybe that escaped mental patient you hired has some sort of toxin in his shack... Yes, hello Willie.
- Milhouse: Hey, Lisa! Can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running.
- Lisa: Make it snappy, Milhouse. I've got an important meeting in the teachers' lounge.
- Milhouse: The teachers' lounge. Is it true they make fun of students in there?
- Lisa: Oh, don't be silly. [she opens the door to the teachers' lounge]
- Groundskeeper Willie: Look at me, I'm Milhouse! I tuck me shirt into me underpants! [the teachers laugh] And I've got no friends, so I confide in Willie!
- Lisa: And then, as school president, I don't have to take the hearing test.
- Marge: I'm so proud of you Lisa.
- Lisa: What?
- Marge: You're like Geraldine Ferraro, except you won, where she failed miserably.
- Lisa: Well, I think I can say with all humility, I am gonna be the best school president ever.
- Bart: [heavy sarcasm] Bravo, Lisa. Bra-vo.
- Marge: Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.
- Bart: I was being sarcastic.
- Marge: You were?
- Bart: [heavy sarcasm] No. I was being sincere.
- Skinner: Any student caught striking will be severely disciplined. Unless all of you do it. Then I'm stymied.
- Chief Wiggum: Remember boys, these are little kids. Take out your tiny batons.
- Lisa: Chief Wiggum, we're just like you policemen. Don't you ever feel like the mayor doesn't care about you?
- Wiggum: You mean the mayor who kept me waiting for two hours in that restaurant? I ate so much bread! Sit down, boys. We're joining this strike.
- Lou: Uh, Chief, are you sure the Mayor wasn't at a different Olive Garden than you?
- Wiggum: Well, I can't take that rattlesnake out of his mailbox now, now can I?
- Eddie: Yes, Chief, you could.
- Wiggum: Let me ask you this. Shut up.
- Kent Brockman: The heart of the strike is former student body president Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say:
- Bart: Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around it goes "putt putt."
- Brockman: Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.
- Chalmers: Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school.
- Skinner: Willie, can't you turn your hose on them?
- Willie: They're wee children. I'd sooner turn it on maself!
- Skinner: Well, that's a good idea, too.
- Willie: Now see here ya nose-wipin' hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie.
- Homer: I'm not driving forty-five minutes a day! You can't go to that school!
- Lisa: But this is my dream.
- Homer: Why can't you have a normal dream, like being an Olympic figure skater?
- Lisa: Okay, let me take figure skating.
- Homer: Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at six-thirty every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me!
- Lisa: Well, what can I be?
- Homer: I'unno. How 'bout a horse whisperer?
- Lisa: Okay.
- Homer: Over my dead body!