Habeas Tortoise/Quotes
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- Helen Lovejoy: I've noticed lately that people have been putting up quite a few little DIY free libraries all over town.
- Homer: [to Marge] What's DIY stand for?
- Marge: Do it yourself.
- Homer: I'm trying to but I can't.
- Principal Skinner: I like those little libraries. Unlike the public school library, these have books written after 1945. The children think Iceland is still a kingdom.
- Homer: Homer Simpson here. Today I'm standing, even in the presence of a chair, to say what if we took all the little free book huts and moved them into one big building open to everybody?
- Lenny Leonard: Do you mean like... a library?
- [everyone starts to laugh at Homer]
- Homer: [to his reflection] Am I really a stupid man?
- Homer's reflection: I... Well, uh... Sorry, reflections can't talk. Got to go.
- Homer: Did you see how the credit card thing at the ticket booth told me to remove my card, like I didn't know how to do it? Then it got stuck 'cause I didn't know how to do it.
- Bart: Mom, it's late, I'm worried. Why isn't Dad at Moe's? Is Moe all right?
- Homer: I'm a member of a team of cyber sleuths searching for Leonard. Can we look at your door camera footage?
- Gary Chalmers: Oh, of course. And, um, I'd love to join the group. But, uh, you guys probably already have, uh, a superintendent.
- Homer: we do now.
- Homer: I don't need to show off for you, Marge. You already bought the cow. I finally have a group of friends who think I'm smart. Who haven't used a skeptical emoji with a monocle even once with me.
- Comic Book Guy: Um, is this genuine Mrs. McClellan's Evidence Yarn? Fancy.
- Homer: Why, yes, it is. Illuminati strength. Nine out of ten scientists are afraid of it.
- Miss Hoover: Oh, then I want to say I agree with Gil about the zoo director. We should board it.
- Gary Chalmers: Has anybody dug through the tortoise scat yet? Maybe he was being used as a drug mule.
- Comic Book Guy: Board it.
- Sideshow Mel: Perhaps Leonard's seed was required by scientists who want to breed slower horses.
- Gil Gunderson and Miss Hoover: Board it!
- Springfield Zoo director: Please stop these protests. Why would I kidnap an animal? That's what a zoo is: a bunch of kidnapped animals.
- Chief Wiggum: Uh-oh, body camera's on. Don't worry, I can erase it with a paper clip. They, uh, they taught us how.
- Marge: Homer, did you kidnap Leonard?
- Homer: No, I didn't commit the crime. I did something much worse. I solved it.
- Lisa: Wait, so after following all those crazy leads, you found Leonard by going down an actual rabbit hole?
- Homer: Yeah, so?
- Lisa: Don't you see the irony?
- Homer: Oh, now I don't get it.
- Marge: Oh, you have to tell them the truth.
- Homer: Well, the truth is different these days. It's more of a hunch you're willing to die for.
- Marge: No, it's not!
- Marge: Look, we have Slow Leonard. He wasn't kidnapped. Real, living turtle!
- Comic Book Guy: Let's talk sense here. The most obvious explanation is the one that's before our very eyes.
- Everyone: Hey, it's true. Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Homer: Oh, thank God.
- Comic Book Guy: This is not Slow Leonard, this is a robot.
- Sideshow Mel: A robot built by Homeland Security to scan our tongues to see whom we've kissed.
- Homer: I've heard there's a cartoon show that can predict the future. Maybe we can watch it and find out what's going to happen.
- Marge: Board it.
