From Beer to Paternity/Quotes
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"From Beer to Paternity"
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- Announcer: Attention, Duff Nation. We need you to choose our new mascot by voting in our first ever Duff Election. The candidates are: Hops and Barley, lady brewologists who don't even know they're pretty. Woketopus, the most open-minded mollusk on the block. Dame Helen Mirren.
- Helen Mirren: I'm sorry, what is this for?
- Announcer: And I guess we're open to keeping Duffman. Vote today. Democracy needs you, and so do we.
- Moe Szyslak: They can't get rid of Duffman. What's next, tear down the Oregon Trail? Disintegrate the Lincoln Memorial? Impeach Santy Claus? I got a notebook full of examples here.
- Homer: Duffman was there when I had my first beer at 13, and I want him to be there when I have my last beer at 54.
- Carl Carlson: Everyone, everyone. The latest numbers are in.
- Homer: Aw, man, he's tied for last place with some loser named [heavy accent] "No Mascot; Just Logo."
- Homer: Marge, did you sleep with Duffman?
- Marge: No.
- Homer: Why not?
- Lisa: The explanation is he's a jerk, and I hope he loses.
- Homer: [gasps] Lisa, you wash your mouth out with beer.
- Bart: I hope he loses, too. Beer, please.
- Duffman: The thing is, I really do have a daughter, okay? Her name is Amber. She's named after my favorite beverage color, but now she's 30 years old, and she won't talk to me.
- Duffman: Gah, your daughter is so bright and confident.
- Homer: She is.
- Duffman: So, you must've taught her so much.
- Homer: I guess I did.
- Duffman: You must be the greatest girl dad i-in the world.
- Homer: I must be!
- Duffman: [on phone] Amber, I was just wondering, um, could I maybe drive up there to see you sometime? Uh, this weekend, maybe? [to the group] She said, "I guess."
- Homer: Lisa! Lisa, you're coming with me and Duffman on a road trip to Glendon Falls.
- Lisa: What? [yawns] Why would I want to do that?
- Homer: Hmm. Marge, why would Lisa want to go to Glendon Falls with me and Duffman?
- Homer: Man, I can't believe I'm on a road trip with my hero.
- Duffman: Wow, your little daughter's your hero? That's so sweet.
- Homer: And that's exactly who I was referring to.
- Duffman: Said she never wanted to talk to me again, and I guess I just believed her.
- Homer: Yes, believe women.
- Lisa: No, she was a kid. She didn't mean it.
- Homer: Yes, believe Lisa.
- Homer: [over announcement] Attention, everyone, Duffman is sitting all by himself in Hallway B. Please just go say hi to him. He really needs this. And, uh, don't listen to this if you're him.
- Renata: I can unlock a lot of things for Duffman, but not this museum.
- Homer: Come on, you got to say something.
- Lisa: Something.
- Amber Duffman: I can't believe you're here because I don't know you, and I did not invite you.
- Homer: Oh, what an odd thing to say.
- Homer: If I know Duffman, and I briefly did, nothing was more important to him than seeing you. He was so excited.
- Amber Duffman: Really? As excited as he was to miss every dance recital, every graduation, every art show?
- Homer: No. More.
- Duffman: I'm sorry, Colleen, but if this teaches you anything, it's that you should work on your relationship with your dad.
- Colleen: [scoffs] I have a great relationship with my dad. I just also like bikinis and parties, you jerk.
- Duffman: So, the chick magnet is also a daughter magnet, I get it now. All chicks are somebody's daughter.
- Lisa: No. Uh-uh.
- Amber Duffman: Yeah, try again.
- Duffman: Some chicks are guys, and that's okay.
- Lisa: Mm... Mm-mm.
- Duffman: Oh, yeah. If any of my other estranged daughters are watching, hit me up.
- Amber Duffman: Wait, your what?
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