Difference between revisions of "The President Wore Pearls/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 17:59, March 8, 2020

Homer: Ooh boy, casino night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six.

Marge: [worried] I really shouldn't be here—I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candy Land with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.

Homer: Aw Marge, I bet you've gotten that out of your system.

Marge: Bet... system... betting system! God is telling me to gamble!

Drederick Tatum: Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism. So relax, have fun and, please God, don't piss me off.

Principal Skinner: Congratulations Mr. Student Body President—your casino night is a huge success.

Martin Prince: Thanks, Principal Skinner. I got the idea from an episode of Saved By the Bell.

Skinner: That was always on too late for me.

Skinner: Care for a milk?

Martin: No thank you.

Skinner: Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president.

Martin: I'll have that milk now.

Skinner: Easy there. That's whole milk.

Martin: I'm a private citizen now, I can drink what I like.

Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner!! I'm worried. This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself. She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt.

Skinner: Yeah. The students will do anything she says. She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.

Chalmers: Hm, yeah. Well we've got to find a way to control her. Hey, maybe that escaped mental patient you hired has some sort of toxin in his shack... Yes, hello Willie.

Milhouse: Hey, Lisa! Can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running.

Lisa: Make it snappy, Milhouse. I've got an important meeting in the teachers' lounge.

Milhouse: The teachers' lounge. Is it true they make fun of students in there?

Lisa: Oh, don't be silly. [she opens the door to the teachers' lounge]

Groundskeeper Willie: Look at me, I'm Milhouse! I tuck me shirt into me underpants! [the teachers laugh] And I've got no friends, so I confide in Willie!

Lisa: And then, as school president, I don't have to take the hearing test.

Marge: I'm so proud of you Lisa.

Lisa: What?

Marge: You're like Geraldine Ferraro, except you won, where she failed miserably.

Lisa: Well, I think I can say with all humility, I am gonna be the best school president ever.

Bart: [heavy sarcasm] Bravo, Lisa. Bra-vo.

Marge: Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.

Bart: I was being sarcastic.

Marge: You were?

Bart: [heavy sarcasm] No. I was being sincere.

Skinner: Any student caught striking will be severely disciplined. Unless all of you do it. Then I'm stymied.

Chief Wiggum: Remember boys, these are little kids. Take out your tiny batons.

Lisa: Chief Wiggum, we're just like you policemen. Don't you ever feel like the mayor doesn't care about you?

Wiggum: You mean the mayor who kept me waiting for two hours in that restaurant? I ate so much bread! Sit down, boys. We're joining this strike.

Lou: Uh, Chief, are you sure the Mayor wasn't at a different Olive Garden than you?

Wiggum: Well, I can't take that rattlesnake out of his mailbox now, now can I?

Eddie: Yes, Chief, you could.

Wiggum: Let me ask you this. Shut up.

Kent Brockman: The heart of the strike is former student body president Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say:

Bart: Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around it goes "putt putt."

Brockman: Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.

Chalmers: Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school.

Skinner: Willie, can't you turn your hose on them?

Willie: They're wee children. I'd sooner turn it on maself!

Skinner: Well, that's a good idea, too.

Willie: Now see here ya nose-wipin' hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie.

Homer: I'm not driving forty-five minutes a day! You can't go to that school!

Lisa: But this is my dream.

Homer: Why can't you have a normal dream, like being an Olympic figure skater?

Lisa: Okay, let me take figure skating.

Homer: Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at six-thirty every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me!

Lisa: Well, what can I be?

Homer: I'unno. How 'bout a horse whisperer?

Lisa: Okay.

Homer: Over my dead body!