The Last Barfighter/Quotes
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- Moe Szyslak: Oh, Artemis, you wouldn't believe what my customers unloaded on me tonight. Crappy marriages, crappy jobs, crappy sports teams. [groans] My ears are killin' me.
- Bart: What about this upside-down exclamation mark show?
- Milhouse Van Houten: Upside down is funny.
- Bart: Milhouse, you know Spanish. What did he say?
- Milhouse: Oh, it's a cultural thing. You wouldn't get it. Estúpido.
- Homer: Oh, my God. That is not just any crystal skull. It's Calavera Gritando! That tequila's so authentic that it inspired George Clooney to make his own semi-authentic tequila.
- Marge: Bart won that skull full of tequila. He can do whatever he wants with it, except drink the tequila.
- Bart: Sorry, Homer. Game, set, skull.
- Homer: I may not speak Spanish, but I know when an imaginary talking skull is mocking me.
- Lenny Leonard: Whoa, a crystal skull. Like from my least favorite Indiana Jones movie and most favorite Shia LaBeouf movie.
- Lenny: You know, Moe, all these years, we've never seen you drink.
- Moe: Well, you know, a bartender ain't supposed to drink with his regulars. It's frowned upon.
- Lenny: By whom?
- Moe: Not some secret society that I go to every night after closing time, if that's what you're thinking.
- Moe: I haven't had anything this expensive in my mouth since my dad's gun.
- Moe: Let's go show the world how much fun it is when drunk guys do stuff in public! Baba-boo!
- Helen Lovejoy: Excuse me, could you move? My husband and I would like to sit on this bench and comment on how the elephant seals are "living the life."
- Reverend Lovejoy: It's the only joke in our entire marriage.
- Moe: Oh, that's not what I hear. The real joke is that you two haven't pushed the ole twin beds together since before the election. Of Obama. To the Senate!
- Homer: Moe, you've officially gone from fun drunk to mean drunk.
- Moe: You judging me? You're the one who said you're so scared of being a lousy father and husband that you hide out at the bar instead of going home and actually tryin'.
- Homer: [gasps] You're worse than a mean drunk. You're an honest drunk!
- Artemis: Since time immemorial, bartenders have been the cornerstone of civilization, an eternal guild of listeners. And so a paradox: for to whom could bartenders confide their secrets? Thus was born The Confidential, a hidden society of those who listen to the listeners. But this institution will crumble to dust if we do not obey its first and only law... "A bartender keeps his secrets!"
- Moe: Guys, you're all in danger! You... [pauses] Oh, sorry. I've never been in your office before. Any office, for that matter. Yeesh. Now I get why you all drink so much.
- Moe: Oh, wait a minute. Where's Barney?
- Homer: Barney doesn't work here.
- Moe: Really? Seems like he would.
- Carl Carlson: Yeah, that would lead to some good stories, all right.
- Moe: He's been injected with Antibooze... A drug that makes it so he can never drink again.
- Lenny: Antibooze? That stuff isn't real.
- Moe: Oh, it's real, and the side effects are horrible, unthinkable! It starts with a skull-splitting headache. Then you got your firehose sweating. Rhinoceros pox. And finally, hurricane vomiting.
- Lenny: Well, how many bartenders could there be in Springfield?
- Moe: How many people in this town are miserable at work and at home?
- Carl: Oh, my God.
- Homer: Marge, pack what you need and choose one kid. We're leaving Springfield forever.
- Barney Gumble: And I got my job back at Autozone, so I could finally face my ma.
- Mrs. Gumble: He holds the big arrow that says "Autozone."
- Lenny: Who knew you could drink water in a bar?
- Moe: It's, uh, still watered down.
