Holidays of Future Passed/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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495
"Holidays of Future Passed"
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- Principal Skinner: You're two weeks late on the rent, Bart. Not to mention that geography report from 30 years ago.
- Bart: Don't worry. I've got some buyers coming over to look at my good kidney. They grow back, right?
- Skinner: Just get me that rent, or you'll be expelled.
- Bart: You mean evicted?
- Skinner: Mhmm.
- Bart: [thinking] Hahaha. I'll just dump them at my mom's.
- Skippy Simpson: You know, we can hear thoughts now!
- Bart: Dammit!
- Milhouse Van Houten: Lis, I'm afraid my seasonal allergies are kicking in.
- Lisa: Aww. You poor thing. This is a tough time of year for someone who's allergic to holly, mistletoe, the red part of candy canes...
- Milhouse: I can't believe we put a man on the sun, but we can't stop my sneezing! [sneezes]
- Homer: Oh, Marge, how would you like some future sex?
- Marge: Why do you say future? This is now.
- Homer: I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.
- Homer: Hey, I've got a B-Mail, too! You have won a valuable prize. Open now.
- Marge: Don't open it, Homie. It's a virus.
- Homer: Too late. I- [starts to fit]
- Bart: I can't believe she got married, and I have no one. It's so hard to find somebody new.
- Ned Flanders: Sure is. That's why after Homer accidentally killed Edna, I married Maude's ghost.
- Maude's ghost: There is no God, Neddy. It's just an empty, meaningless void.
- Ned: Hehe. Isn't she pretty?
- Marge: And now Patty and Selma are here to help us decorate with their new Lovebots.
- Selma Bouvier: [to her Lovebot] Make me a bloody Mary, dollface.
- Selma's Lovebot: No, Selma. Even a robot built, only to love you, can not love you. I am leaving with your sister's Compudroid.
- [Bart gets pulled over by a police car]
- Bart: Naww. It's Chief Wiggum.
- Ralph Wiggum: Hi, Bart!
- Bart: Hey, Ralph. I heard you died.
- Ralph: I got cloneded. [Ralph shoots himself in the head]
- Ralph clone 1: All right, buddy, what's the hurry?
- [Bart drives off. A lorry hits the Ralph clone]
- Ralph clone 2: Heh. That Ralph was stupid.
- [the lorry crashes into a building. Several Ralph clones fall out the back on fire]
- Ralph clones: [screams of pain]
- [Bart enters Moe's Tavern]
- Bart: Wow. This place hasn't changed a bit.
- Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I keep meaning to switch things around, but this place is always a crime scene.
- Bart: Was my dad here?
- Moe: Ah, yes. Since he don't drink, he just comes here to see Lenny and Carl.
- Bart: [to Lenny's body] Hey, Lenny.
- Carl Carlson: [in Lenny's body] I'm Carl.
- Lenny Leonard: [in Carl's body] Don't you remember, you came to the brain switching ceremony.
- Bart: Right, what was the point again?
- Lenny: Because I wanted to get back together with my wife who was sleeping with Carl at the time.
- Carl: Turns out she had switched brains with a monkey on a Japanese game show, and it just got weirder from there.
- Lenny: Ah, I found it quite normal. Anyway, if you're looking for your dad, he took the kids to see his dad.
- Bart: Thanks.
- Carl: Hey, Moe, get me another beer.
- Lenny: Quit making me fat!
- Homer: He froze himself because he was sick and there was no cure.
- Jiff Simpson: Are they working on one?
- Homer: Oh, they found one. But don't tell him. This is way cheaper than a nursing home.
- Homer: Dad, these are your great grandsons.
- Grampa: Ehh. I don't see what's so great about them. And, Homer, you're still a big disappointment because-
- Homer: See you next Christmas. [Homer re-freezes Grampa]
- Homer: Everyone thinks their dad's a jerk. And everyone's right. But, when you get older, you realize how much you love them. Your dad may be a little bit immature, but I know he loves you. So, you ought to give him a chance.
- Bart: Boys, I've acted like a ten year old for the last thirty years and I swear to you, I will grow up and act like a twenty year old, the way a divorced forty year old should.
- Bart's youngest child: You're gonna have to do better than that.
- Bart: Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas. The only thing worth anything in my life is you.
- Bart's eldest child: Oh, dad.
- Bart's youngest child: You've taught us the meaning of Christmas. Which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore.
- [Lisa enters Zia's Ultranet room]
- Zia Simpson: Mom? Why are you here?
- [Zia emerges from the Online Chemistry Midterm vial]
- Lisa: I was worried. I thought I would find--
- Zia: What, me flashing my boobs on unripemelons.com?
- Lisa: What? No. It doesn't matter what I thought. I'm sorry I spied on you. But what I found is, my daughter looks up to me.
- Zia: Well, of course I do. I look up to both my parents.
- [Milhouse appears]
- Milhouse: Could somebody FedEx me a prayer mat? And quick! [disappears]
- Zia: But I especially look up to you. [She and Lisa hug, then a door opens; a party is going on and Zia closes the door]
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