Simpsons Bible Stories/Quotes
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< Simpsons Bible Stories
Revision as of 08:59, October 29, 2023 by Solar Dragon (talk | contribs)
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- Ned Flanders as God: Hi-diddly-ho, paradise dwellers!
- Homer as Adam: [nervous] Uh, good morning, Lord. I just have to, ah, compliment you on this beautifully crafted mate.
- God: Oh Adam, you're too kind.
- Adam: No, you're too kind. And wise, and righteous... I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend.
- God: Well, I'd better skedaddle. Oh, there's one more weensy little thing -- you see that tree over there? I hate to be a bossy Betty, but I have to forbid you to eat its fruit.
- Adam: No problem, Lord. And it would be even easier to avoid that temptation if I had a few extra wives.
- Marge as Eve: [annoyed murmur]
- Adam: Just sayin'...
- Eve: Oh, how cute. Let's call this little guy a "groundhog..."
- Adam: Sorry, I already gave him a name. "Land monster."
- Eve: Really? Well, what do you call that thing on the branch?
- Adam: "Branch monster."
- Eve: Please stop eating that. God's gonna furious.
- Adam: You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.
- Adam: Oh, poor Eve. What are you doing out there in that horrible place?
- Eve: I'm toiling! What does it look like?
- Adam: This sucks. Things were so much better back in the Garden.
- Eve: I'm sure God will let us return soon. I mean, how long can He hold a grudge?
- Principal Skinner as the Pharaoh: Ah, excellent progress, Slavedriver Willie. Kudos on your whipping.
- Groundskeeper Willie as Slavedriver Willie: Ah, he noticed.
- Pharaoh: All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs. Krabapatra.
- Edna Krabappel as Mrs. Krabapatra: Bird. Bird. Giant eye... Pyramid. Bird.
- Pharaoh: Mm-hm. Very good... Ah, giant eye. Dead fish. Cat head. Cat head. Cat head. Guy doing this..
- Clancy Wiggum: Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are exodusing as we speak.
- Pharaoh: Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
- Clancy Wiggum: Okay, but who's gonna build your pyramids?
- Pharaoh: Well, we cou-- After them!
- Milhouse as Moses: Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt. So, what's next for the Israelites? Land of milk and honey?
- Lisa: Hmm, well, actually, it looks like we're in for forty years of wandering the desert.
- Moses: Forty years? But after that, it's clear sailing for the Jews, right?
- Clancy Wiggum: King Solomon, these men need you to settle a dispute. They each claim ownership of this pie.
- Homer as King Solomon: The pie shall be cut in two. Then each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie.
- Bart as King David: I'm bored. Send in my jester.
- Krusty the Clown: Hey, hey, King David! Ha, ha, how ya doin'? Now I'm not saying Jezebel's easy, but before she moved to Sodom, it was known for its pottery.
- King David: I'll just give Goliath Two the ol' rock to the head, applause applause, "ya gotta believe in yourself, stay in school," and we're outta here.
- Santa's Little Helper: I don't know, Davey.
- King David: Quiet, you.
- Santa's Little Helper: Oh, you've gotten pretty fat, Davey...
- King David: What say you now, Goliath? Without your precious hair, you no longer possess your fantastic strength!
- Nelson as Goliath II: That's Samson, idiot.
- Goliath II: Let my proclamation go out across the land: Haw haw!
- Crowd: Haw haw!
- Ralph Wiggum: You're King David! I love you 'cause you kill people.
- King David: Well, get yourself another hero, kid. I'm all washed up.
- Ralph: Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath.
- King David: Great news, everyone. Goliath is dead! Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me, surely killed the giant. Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again...
- King David: Ralph! I thought you were dead!
- Ralph: Nope!
- Julius Hibbert: But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had.
- King David: Whuh?
- Julius Hibbert: He built roads, hospitals, libraries...
- Carl Carlson: To us he was "Goliath the Consensus Builder."
- Lisa: It's the Rapture. And I never knew true love.
- Homer: I never used those pizza coupons.
- Marge: Why aren't we ascending into Heaven? Oh, right. The sins.
- Homer: Ooh, I smell barbecue! Hey, look! Oh, they're out of hot dogs! And the coleslaw has pineapple in it! German potato salad!
