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Monty Can't Buy Me Love/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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224
"Monty Can't Buy Me Love"
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- Appraiser: This gentleman's beer tap dates back to the mark of the century, and remarkably, seems to have never been washed.
- Moe: Yeah, yeah, I been meaning to wash that, but, heh, heh, it's been such a century.
- Appraiser: At auction, I'd expect this to bring twenty to thirty thousand dollars... except that on the handle somebody's carved "Homer Rocks".
- Marge: I don't know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this. When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk?
- Homer: Well, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.
- [The family is out for a walk.]
- Homer: Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt! All the fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain.
- [Barney drives by and yells out of his car window.]
- Barney: Get a horse!
- Homer: Could we, Marge? Could we get a horse?
- Marge: All this commotion, just for a store?
- Homer: Hey, it's not just a store, it's a megastore! Mega means good, and store means thing!
- Kent Brockman: Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune.
- Mr. Burns: Oh! The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?
- Mr. Burns: [sighs] I thought I had everything: money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth. [sighs again] But what's it all worth when nobody likes you?
- Smithers: I like you, sir.
- Mr. Burns: [exasperated] Are you still here?
- Mr. Burns: Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
- Homer: I see. Well, I'll need some beer.
- Mr. Burns: I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune.
- Homer: [wistfully] Oh, Arthur Fortune. [sighs]
- Mr. Burns: Yes! That's the look I'm looking for! What would make you and you slovenly kind look at me that way?
- Homer: Well, you don't have to call me slovenly.
- Mr. Burns: Yes, exactly! That's the kind of pointer I need! Tell me more, fatty.
- Mr. Burns: I can't believe it! I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires! I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake!
- Homer: Well, how 'bout donating money to charity? Lots of crazy old coots do that.
- Mr. Burns: A charitable donation, eh? Well, there's a first time for everything.
- Homer: Gee, I feel bad. If people knew the real Monty Burns, and not the silver-dollar-throwing morphine addict you've become, they might like you.
- Jerry Rude: All right, uh, how many times a day do you go to the can?
- Mr. Burns: Oh, about forty, I suppose. When are we going on the air?
- Jerry Rude: We're on the air now, Skeletor.
- Mr. Burns: What?
- Jerry Rude: Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously.
- Mr. Burns: Great heavens! What kind of radiola show is this?
- Jerry Rude: How about this: When was your first gay experience?
- Mr. Burns: Oh well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay, old time. Ho-ho, I ate my share of wieners that day.
- Mr. Burns: If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time!
- Homer: A sober Irishman?
- Mr. Burns: Even rarer.
- Homer: Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he's eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves.
- Mr. Burns: [scoffs] Peter Graves couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.
- Mr. Burns: Where's my monster, tubby? What do you people think I'm paying you for?
- Homer: Uh, to work in your power plant?
- Groundskeeper Willie: You're not paying me anything.
- Professor Frink: You kidnapped me! I remember it distinctly, with the grabbing and the duct taping and the tennis ball in the mouth that hurt me.
- Mr. Burns: Now presenting the Ninth Wonder of the World, the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice, I give you the Loch Ness Monster!
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