- For the episode, see Hardly Kirk-ing.
| Hardly Kirk-Ing
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| Tapped Out Quest Information
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Hardly Kirk-Ing is a premium questline in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. It was introduced in the Level 37 content update. It requires Luann to be obtained.
Dialogue
Pt. 1
| After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
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Hey Luann! All my years of hard work finally paid off, by not paying off at all. I'm getting free checks from the government!
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I’m even thinking about buying back my molars from that pawnshop. Do YOU get paid to do nothing?
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Basically, yes. Running a cracker factory is like being on unemployment, only with more money and fewer forms.
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Oh man, I’ve got to fill out one form every two weeks. Why can’t I win?
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Because you’re a loser. You’re the only man I know with a World’s Second Best Dad mug.
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Please give me back my job at the Cracker Factory. I’m not above begging. In fact, I’m well below it.
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So you want to come crawling back to crackers?
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Fine, I’ll hire you Kirk. But you’ll have to start at the beginning – as a cracker intern.
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Task: "Make Luann Run the Cracker Factory". The job takes place at the Cracker Factory and takes 8 hours.
Task: "Make Kirk Work at the Cracker Factory". The job takes place at the Cracker Factory and takes 8 hours.
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Long day at the factory. Turns out I only get two 15-minute breaks and both I’m required to spend working.
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And I’m pretty sure half of the employees are pairs of children wearing giant trench coats.
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You better not report those kids – I mean stacked adults – to the government or else I’ll have you fired.
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I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve ruined the magic of crackers. You don’t have to fire me -- I quit.
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Quest reward:  100 and  10
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Pt. 2
| After tapping on Luann's exclamation mark
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Kirk, if you want to stay a part of this family, you are going to have to get a real job.
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And I know what you’re thinking, and that doesn’t include organ donor.
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I’ve been dedicating my time to the most important job there is – being a father.
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Where’s Milhouse right now?
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Trick question! That’s not our son’s name. Oh wait, it is. Fine, I’ll get a job. Do you mind taking a look at my resume?
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Hmm…cleaning vomit, scaring away birds, groveling… actually I might have the perfect job for you.
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You can manage one of my Fleet-A-Pitas! Well, assistant manage. Actually just work there.
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I'm in management!
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| Task: "Make Kirk Clean Up Fleet-A-Pitas". The job takes place at a Fleet-A-Pita and takes 16 hours.
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I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pedal pita when in my heart I know it’s just a soft, salt-less, un-American substitute cracker.
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But how can I tell Luann that I want to quit?
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Maybe I can fake my own death, convince Luann I’m a ghost and live in the crawl space.
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Nah, she wouldn’t fall for that a second time.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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Pt. 3
| After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
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Hey Homer, you seem to have it all together. Can I ask you for some advice?
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Never train a monkey to do your job for you because then you’ll get a monkey boss. There you go! The first one’s free.
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Thanks Homer. But I was looking for some advice about my marriage.
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Never bring the monkey home. You’re welcome!
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Luann doesn’t want me or need me.
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She’s better at everything than I am – running the factory, raising our son, even peeing standing up.
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Don’t forget running the Cracker Factory.
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I already said that one.
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She’s just really good at it. Like so much better than you.
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What am I going to do, Homer?
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Don’t ask me. Marge handles all the relationship problems herself.
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Why don’t you try a book? I’ve heard good things about them from Lisa.
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| Task: "Make Kirk Borrow a Self Help Book". The job takes place at the Springfield Library and takes 60 minutes.
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Those self-help books really showed me the error of my ways.
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It turns out the secret to a healthy relationship is appreciating your partner and buying more self-help books.
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Oh yeah, showing appreciation is important.
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For instance, Marge fixes me breakfast every morning. And I… uh… drink beer.
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I should do something special for Luann! Are coupons for free hugs still a thing?
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This isn’t your anniversary, Kirk. This calls for some serious romancing.
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You should take her out to dinner… and don’t order anything that requires a bib.
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That sounds expensive. How’s an unemployed loser like me going to afford that?
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Think of it as an investment. Invest money in Luann now, and once she lets you back in the house--
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I can steal money from her purse!
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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Pt. 4
| After tapping on Kirk's exclamation mark
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Luann, we have to talk.
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What is it this time?
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I know I’ve been a huge disappointment to you and that I don’t deserve another chance but if you let me, I’d like to make it up to you.
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Let me take you to the most expensive dinner in town.
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It’s where they make normal food look weird and taste almost exactly the same. El Chemistri!
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Is there a catch? How can you afford this?
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The owner of the restaurant owes me a favor. I let him hit me with his car for fun.
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Task: "Make Luann Dine at El Chemistri". The job takes place at El Chemistri and takes 4 hours.
Task: "Make Kirk Dine at El Chemistri". The job takes place at El Chemistri and takes 4 hours.
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Kirk, I-I am speechless, I really didn't expect something this thoughtful from you.
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I actually don’t expect anything at all from you. Seriously ever.
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I’m always here to support you in this marriage, Luann.
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Emotionally, not financially. Just want to make that crystal clear.
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Oh, Kirk. I guess you’ll do.
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You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words.
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| Quest reward: 100 and 10
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Pt. 5
| After tapping on Luann's exclamation mark
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I’ve thought it over and I think I haven’t been fair to you.
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As long as you’re willing to do absolutely everything I say without question, then I’m willing to offer you your old management job back at the Cracker Factory.
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The job I was born for! Being an empty suit!
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How about we carpool in the MegaGlobe today sweetheart? At least until I head to executive parking.
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Task: "Make Luann Run the Cracker Factory". The job takes place at the Cracker Factory and takes 8 hours.
Task: "Make Kirk Run the Cracker Factory". The job takes place at the Cracker Factory and takes 8 hours.
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I'm so glad my parents are no longer fighting!
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At least for this week…
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| Quest reward: 200 and 20
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