Difference between revisions of "Diatribe of a Mad Housewife/Quotes"

Revision as of 17:10, February 22, 2020

Homer: You were gonna start a novel without informing me?!

Marge: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!

Homer: I also fed some ducklings.

Marge: I know, I got your message.

Homer: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby!

Marge: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.

Homer: Oh, I was so close!

Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need some dinner STAT! And the kids need some CPR lessons.

Lisa: We're not paramedics!

Homer: I'll say.

Tom Clancy: Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time"? Hell no I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello. Hello?

Marge: [to herself] I'm finished, and it's so suggestive. Well like they say "snuggling sells."

Homer: [singing] Here in my car, I am hosing off blood. Some of its mine, but most of its not. Here's Marge.

Marge: Homie, I finished my novel...

Homer: Wooh, typed.

Marge: It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think.

Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!

Marge: It's double spaced.

Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!

Homer: How can you write such horrible things about me?

Marge: You told me you liked it! You didn't read it at all! You lied to me!

Homer: I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth.

Ned Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?

Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

Marge: Well?

Homer: Well what?

Marge: Did you read it?

Homer: [right eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes.

Marge: Did you like it?

Homer: [left eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes.

Marge: Do you think I should publish it?

Homer: You know what I say, publish or parish!

[Inside Lisa's brain.]

Jealousy: I can't believe mom wrote a book before we did!

Honesty: And it's a little trashy.

Conscience: Mom has expressed herself; we should nurture her.

Libido: Let's kiss boys! Binge and purge! Rock and roll!

Conscience: [to Libido] You're not getting out until we're 16.

Libido: [growls, waving her arms in a comical fashion]

Marge: Did you like it?

Lisa: [puts down last page] Don't you think you're a little hard on Dad?

Marge: What do you mean?

Lisa: [reading page] He went to the shop with the sign: Salted Blowholes. "Mmm... Blowholes," he drooled.' Doesn't that sound a little like Dad?

Marge: Yes, I guess it does resemble your father.

[The windsock at Boris' Car Loft is ripped from its platform; it flies away.]

Homer: Awww. That was my only friend here.

[Homer gets up on the platform and "performs" in the windsock's place.]

[Homer's driving the ambulance with Comic Book Guy - who's clutching his heart - in the back.]

Homer: So, where to, my friend?

Comic Book Guy: I already told you: the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a cab!

Homer: The hospital, huh? Seems like everyone's going there tonight.

[Homer's driving the ambulance with an unconscious man in the back.]

Homer: [to the unconscious man] So, you got any kids? [beat] Quiet kind, huh?

Lisa: Bart, this is horrible! What if Dad reads it?

Bart: It's too long; he won't read it.

Lisa: Well, what if they make it into a movie?

Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it.

Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?

Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!