Difference between revisions of "The Wettest Stories Ever Told/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 15:36, December 13, 2021

Captain McCallister: Yarr. Sorry about the delay. The chef is having a problem with tonight's sepcial. [A knife-weilding chef is battling an octopus with eight knives]. Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you somethin' from a better restaurant.

Marge: Red Lobster?

Captain McCallister: Not that good [the family moan in dissapointment]. Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn may pass the time. Too bad I don't know any.

Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history. The journey of "Mayflower".

Captain McCallister: Ah, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.

Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.

Captain McCallister: Now who's being naiive?

Mayflower Madman[edit]

Homer: I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes: ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel.

Lisa: What about this swordfish?

Homer: Oh! My life's work is ruined.

Marge: Do you have your shipboard entertainments?

Bart: I've got my toy wood lump! [he drops a lump of wood on the floor and starts to kick it around] What jolly fun!

Beefeater Lenny: Has anyone seen this knave? [he holds up a picture of Homer]

Beefeater Carl: He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the king's name is James, not Jacob.

Lisa: Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.

Homer: Oh Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.

Homer: So, though art a widow, eh? Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.

Homer: What kind of booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?

Ned Flandish: Heh, heh, heh, we Puritans have no place for drunkenness... or colorful clothes, or dreaming, or poetry. So, if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet. [panicked] Oh no! That was a poem! [he pulls out a cat-o'-nine-tails and flogs himself with it] Forgive me, Lord! [he pours salt on his back] Then, pour a little salt in the wounds... and I'm good.

Marge: I see you met our devout leader, Ned Flandish.

Homer: Stupid Flandish.

Homer: Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how 'bout a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest? What do yiu say, Miss...?

Marge: Constance Prudence Chasity Goodfaith.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: My friends call me "Marge".

Homer: Huh?

Marge: Marge Obedience Temperance Sexwon't.

Homer: D'oh!

Moezekiel: We're engaged! I didn't kill her husband just so.... I-I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.

Marge: We're not engaged. Uh, it's really more of an amiable concordance.

Flandish: Oh! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Such language from a woman. Oh no! I just thought of you as a woman! [begins flogging himself again].

Reverend Lovejoy: Lord, we thank you for the many ways you show your love: the sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.

Moezekiel: Oh my God, look at that hand-on-hand action! If I don't do somethin', soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.

Marge: Yes, the weather is fair.

Moezekiel: Man, that guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious. [he addresses the camera] That's how we talk, weird, huh? [returning to character] Time to think of a plan most sneaky.

Moezekiel: Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm throwing a little party tonight to celebrate that only half of us have died so far.

Homer: Beer! I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower.

Moezekiel: Stop callin' it that.

Homer: What-ever.

Marge: Homer, I can't believe I was thinking about letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.

Homer: But, baby, a man has needs.

Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.

Bart: Oh, when we landed, I was going to denounce my sister as a witch.

Lisa: I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft!

Bart: Thirty-one plus forty-three.

Lisa: Seventy-four.

Pilgrims: [pointing at Lisa] Witch! Witch! Witch!

Flandish: I just thought of a name for where we're going. New England!

Willie: Oh, that's real creative. Whaddaya call your foot? "New hand"?

Flandish: At least I'm pitching.

Homer: Land ho!

Marge: What did you call me?

Flandish: Great Chief Wig-Gum, we could never have survived our first year in the new World without you. I almost regret what we Europeans are about to do to ya.

Great Chief Wig-Gum: What are you gonna do?

Flandish: Give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie! [under his breath] Also, we're gonna take your land and wipe you out. [normal talking voice] Who wants whipped topping?

Stupidity on the Bounty[edit]

Marge: Who else has a story?

Homer: I do!

Marge: Homer, you can tell the third story. Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.

Bart: Hey!

Marge: I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.

Bart: Well, I read this boring comic book about a ship called the "Bounty".

Marge: Ooh, like the paper towels. Go on...

Bligh: First of all, in an effort to save water, you will no longer be given any water. And because of a drawing of myself having a romantic congress with a merman... [the crew laughs]... I am dumping all your mail out to sea. And I can assure you, there were cookies in there. Good cookies. The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make.

Milhouse: My father's alive?

Bligh: No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter. [he throws Milhouse's letter out the window].

Bosun Willie: I warn ye, captain, push this crew too far, and there'll be mutiny.

Bligh: Mutiny? On the "Bounty"? Heh, heh, heh, heh. What have you been smoking.

Bosun Willie: Opium.

Bligh: Besides that.

King Homer: Welcome to our tropical paradise. Enjoy our lugas, our lagoons, and our ladies. And remember, what happens in Tahiti stays in Tahiti.

Queen Marge: Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world, tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steam boat yet?

Jimbo: Any day now.

Queen Marge: Ooooh.

Fletcher Christian: Captain, this is a mutiny.

Bligh: [uncomfortable laugh] Well, let's not be hasty, there, uh, what if I introduce a suggestion box?

Dolph: We have a suggestion box. You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.

Christian: Well, I know you had your doubts, men, but there they are... the most beautiful women in the world.

Kearney: Those are penguins.

Christian: Well, look at it this way. We're going to discover the North Pole.

Jimbo: South Pole.

Christian: Oh boy, do I suck.

Jimbo: Yeah.

The Neptune Upending[edit]

Disco Stu: The ship's doctor has reported an outbreak of... disco fever! The only cure is to do a little dance, make a little love... get down tonight.

Lenny: [worried;y taking notes] Wait, what was the second one?

Lisa: [singing to the tune of "The Morning After"] I think we're headed for disaster, And most of you will not be saved. Unless the captain is attentive, we'll all be crushed by a huge wave.

Homer: Woo-Hoo! It's almost New Year's! Ten... nine... eight-

Marge: Homer, the ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead.

Homer: Three... two... one... Happy New Year! [he blows a noisemaker] My resolution is to be more fun.

Selma: I've spent the entire cruise reading these maintenance brochures because as a lonely single woman, I've had nothing better to do.

Surviving men: Awww.

Selma: "Awwws" are cheap, I'm looking for some action.

Lenny: Whatever you do, don't look down! I mean up! I can't do this anymore, it's too confusing! Ahhhh! [he lets go of the ladder and plummets to his death].

Carl: Not that confusing.

Comic Book Guy: I've tied it off. You're all going to make it. [he clutches his chest] Tell the world... that I saved you all. [he dies].

Homer: Don't tell me what to do.

Christian: Do you guys know the way to Tahiti?

Dolph: Way to go, genius. You sailed into someone else's tale of the sea.

Christian: At least I'm not gay for skeleton Kearney.

Jimbo: Our ribs got tangled 75 years ago! That's not gay!

Christian: Right, you keep believing that.