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Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
- Lisa: I hate to be a killjoy, but do you really think we can win playing "Stars and Stripes Forever"? It's so beginner band, and we're advanced beginner band.
- Ralph: This is band?
- Mr. Largo: Very well, Lisa. What rousing Sousa march would you have us play?
- Lisa: Well, I thought maybe, for once, we could play a song that wasn't written by Sousa.
- Largo: You mean something just arranged by Sousa?
- Homer: Vietnam Veteran.
- Squeaky-voiced teen: Do you have a military I.D.?
- Homer: I.D.? Man, Charlie didn't ask for I.D. when I fought at La Choy and Chun King. I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho.
- Marge: Homer, give him the fifty cents.
- Homer: Why should I? Did my country give me a parade? No, man! They spat at me and...
- Squeaky-voiced teen: Just go.
- Homer: Thanks. This closes the saddest chapter in American history.
- Lisa: Anybody got a building permit? 'Cause we nailed it!
- Bart: Way to blow, Lis!
- Marge: That is the best version of "Living in America" I've ever heard.
- Homer: Third best for me.
- Lisa: I hope you enjoy your plaque, cheater.
- State Comptroller Atkins: Well, I was going to give you the Good Sportsmanship Award, but now I'm just going to be sick.
- Chief Wiggum: Ah, this is clearly a case of animal cruelty. Ah, do you have a permit for that?
- Barker: No problem, sir. It's in my car.
- [the barker drives away]
- Lou: You gotta stop bein' so trusting, Chief.
- Wiggum: I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free, than chase after them.
- Marge: Should the Simpsons get a horse?
- Comic Book Guy: Excuse me. But I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart with hilarious consequences.
- Homer: Anybody care what this guy thinks?
- Crowd: No!
- Homer: Hey, where do you get those metal dealies for his feet?
- Bill: You mean horseshoes?
- Homer: Hey, what's with the attitude? I just want some dealies.
- Male jockey 1: You really think that horse can run a mile and a half?
- Homer: He ran all the way here.
- Homer: That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory and he won't get to come.
- Lenny: Yeah, that's a great tour, but you can't see it all in one day.
- Homer: Cheer up, son. I thought you looked damn good out there. Oh, wait. You were number "5"? Eew! You stin... Damn good.
- Marge: "Furious D"?
- Bart: He's the bad boy of racing. He's got attitude and bad-itude, so show him some latitude and you'll win his gratitude. Only in America!
- Lisa: Ew, you used my bracelet for a nose ring!
- Homer: Possessions are fleeting.
- Mrs. Vanderbilt: Why, look at that disgraceful beast.
- Mr. Vanderbilt: Good Lord! What has become of the Sport of Kings?
- Bart: Get bent.
- [the Vanderbilts gasp. Mr. Vanderbilt's monocle falls into his drink]
- Mr. Vanderbilt: That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified.
- Marge: Okay, Lisa. I've got Furious D across the board, boxed with the three and the eight, and wheeled up and down.
- Lisa: Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem.
- Comic Book Guy: Hey, I'm watching you...
- Homer: Man, I got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.
- Trevor Denman: Could it be? In a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey. Might this be the start of a terrifying Planet of the Horses? In this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes. And away I go.
- Lisa: You read my letter?
- Bill Clinton: Much of it, yeah. And those glowsticks were wrong, very wrong. So I've personally overturned the results of that band contest. Congratulations.
- Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President!
- Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa, for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
- Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
- Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy President.