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Brake My Wife, Please/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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311
"Brake My Wife, Please"
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- Springfield Aquarium tour guide: Well, it looks like Mr. Walrus and his family are enjoying their Sunday brunch. [the crowd laughs] Shut up! What am I, some sort of joke to you people? Now, over here is our newest exhibit "The Wonders of the Gulf Coast".
- Kids: Ooooh!
- Tour guide: Shut up! It's not that exciting.
- Homer: Barney, you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees?
- Barney: Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.
- Homer: [intrigued] Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black power salute.
- [Homer sees Carl, Lou, Dr. Hibbert and Drederick Tatum driving next to him.]
- Homer: Black power! Black power!
- Carl: Was that Al Roker?
- Tatum: His exuberance is perplexing.
- Homer: I am so screwed. I can't drive to work, I can't drive to the store, and I certainly can't drive to the store at work.
- Marge: [sighs] I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does—picks up the slack.
- Homer: That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville.
- Marge: Why can't you use the local dry cleaner?
- Homer: [ashamed] I didn't want them to know my size.
- Homer: Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge.
- Lenny: Can we stop for ice cream?
- Carl: Homer always stops for ice cream.
- Marge: We'll see.
- Lenny: That always means no.
- Homer: Where is your mother? I've gotta get to Moe's.
- Lisa: Dad, mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation?
- Homer: Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. I guess I'll walk.
- Homer: I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house.
- [The rest of the family is seen outside the house just down the road.]
- Bart: Way to go, Dad!
- Homer: You know, I feel pretty good. Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar.
- Moe: Get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening.
- Homer: No. From now on, walking is my beer. And feeling good is my hangover.
- Homer: Calm down, Stresserella!
- Marge: I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur!
- Homer: Now now, honey. We all appreciate what you do. But real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission.
- Marge: To hell with the Livery Commission!
- Homer: Marge, you don't know what you're saying!
- Homer: Psst. Bishop to queen four.
- Old Jewish man: We're playing dominoes.
- Homer: [menacingly] I said, "Bishop to queen four."
- Old Jewish man: All right, all right.
- Marge: How could you both miss the bus to school?
- Bart: We touched hands and then we had to wash the cooties off.
- Marge: I am so sorry, Homie. How is your crushed pelvis?
- Homer: Pretty good. Thanks for asking.
- Marge: I don't know what happened. I saw you and I went for the brake but I hit the accelerator!
- Homer: It's okay, Marge. It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch.
- Homer: Marge, you're trying to hurt me!
- Marge: What? That's crazy.
- Homer: No, it's true. The car, the soup... It's like you hate me... your own husband...
- Marge: That's ridiculous. I don't like you. [correcting herself] I mean hate you, hate you, hate you! I hate you!
- Homer: [sadly] I've heard that from co-workers, strangers on the street, even my own children... but I never thought I'd hear it from you.
- Dr. Brentano: All right, before you came in, I asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you. Homer, you first.
- Homer: There's Homer... Homer J. Simpson... and Commander Cool, aka me.
- Marge: That's us in a nutshell. I care so much about you, Homer, but I'm not even on your list. Excuse me.
- Homer: We've gotta help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy Moe is very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe. What should I do, Dr. Hot Dog?
- Marge: Lousy Homer... I'll show him... tonight his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples.
- Homer: Tonight, we're here to serve you. Sit back and enjoy the finest foods Springfield has to offer.
- Captain McCallister: I brought you me finest catch of the day. We lost a dozen good men. But it's worth it just to see you smile.
- Marge: Oooh!
- Captain McCallister: [disappointed by her reaction] That's it, eh? [sighs] Twelve men. Well, I've got some families to inform. Unbelievable.
- Marge: What?
- Captain McCallister: Nothing. Just a curse on your very soul
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