Diatribe of a Mad Housewife/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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323
"Diatribe of a Mad Housewife"
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- Homer: You were gonna start a novel without informing me?!
- Marge: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!
- Homer: I also fed some ducklings.
- Marge: I know, I got your message.
- Homer: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby!
- Marge: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
- Homer: Oh, I was so close!
- Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need some dinner STAT! And the kids need some CPR lessons.
- Lisa: We're not paramedics!
- Homer: I'll say.
- Tom Clancy: Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time"? Hell no I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello. Hello?
- Marge: [to herself] I'm finished, and it's so suggestive. Well like they say "snuggling sells."
- Homer: (singing) Here in my car, I am hosing off blood. Some of it's mine, but most of it's not. Here's Marge.
- Marge: Homie, I finished my novel...
- Homer: Wooh, typed.
- Marge: It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think.
- Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
- Marge: It's double spaced.
- Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
- Homer: How can you write such horrible things about me?
- Marge: You told me you liked it! You didn't read it at all! You lied to me!
- Homer: I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth.
- Ned Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?
- Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
- Marge: Well?
- Homer: Well what?
- Marge: Did you read it?
- Homer: [right eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes.
- Marge: Did you like it?
- Homer: [left eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes.
- Marge: Do you think I should publish it?
- Homer: You know what I say, publish or parish!
- [inside Lisa's brain]
- Jealousy: I can't believe mom wrote a book before we did!
- Honesty: And it's a little trashy.
- Conscience: Mom has expressed herself; we should nurture her.
- Libido: Let's kiss boys! Binge and purge! Rock and roll!
- Conscience: [to Libido] You're not getting out until we're 16.
- Libido: [growls, waving her arms in a comical fashion]
- Marge: Did you like it?
- Lisa: [puts down last page] Don't you think you're a little hard on Dad?
- Marge: What do you mean?
- Lisa: [reading page] He went to the shop with the sign: Salted Blowholes. "Mmm... Blowholes," he drooled.' Doesn't that sound a little like Dad?
- Marge: Yes, I guess it does resemble your father.
- [The windsock at Boris's Car Lot is ripped from its platform; it flies away.]
- Homer: Awww. That was my only friend here.
- [Homer gets up on the platform and "performs" in the windsock's place.]
- [Homer's driving the ambulance with Comic Book Guy - who's clutching his heart - in the back.]
- Homer: So, where to, my friend?
- Comic Book Guy: I already told you: the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a cab!
- Homer: The hospital, huh? Seems like everyone's going there tonight.
- [Homer's driving the ambulance with an unconscious man in the back.]
- Homer: [to the unconscious man] So, you got any kids? [beat] Quiet kind, huh?
- Lisa: Bart, this is horrible! What if Dad reads it?
- Bart: It's too long; he won't read it.
- Lisa: Well, what if they make it into a movie?
- Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it.
- Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?
- Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!
