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D'oh-in' in the Wind/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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209
"D'oh-in' in the Wind"
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- [After appearing in a recruitment film for Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Homer decides to join the Screen Actors' Guild. He needs his middle name for the S.A.G. form, but only knows his middle initial.]
- Homer: Hey, Dad, what does the "J" stand for?
- Grampa: How should I know? It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.
- Homer: But I can't ask Mom; she's on the run from the law!
- Grampa: Serves her right for being a 60s radical! [fondly remembering] Though she was a demon in the sack!
- [The family try to help Homer with the S.A.G. form.]
- Bart: Why not just make up a middle name?
- Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
- Homer: No! Homer Simpson never lies twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
- Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
- Homer: Yes, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.
- [In search of Homer's middle name, he and Grampa visit Groovy Grove Natural Farm, the commune where Homer's mom Mona went after leaving Abe. Abe notices two middle-aged men playing hackey sack.]
- Grampa: I remember them. Seth and Munchie. Look at those filthy, lazy, flea-bitten ... [sees them looking towards him] Oh, hi there!
- Seth: Hey, check it out!
- Munchie: Is that ... Abe Simpson? Jeez, man, we haven't seen you since Woodstock.
- Homer: [surprised] You went to Woodstock?
- Grampa: [bitterly] Your mother dragged us both to that godforsaken love-fest!
{{qf|[[File}}Woodstock - Naked Homer.png|thumb|200px|"Little Homer's trying to groove!"]][Flashback to Woodstock, during Jimi Hendrix's guitar-solo performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner". While everyone else is casually dressed, Abe looks decidedly out of place wearing a business suit.]
- Grampa: [holding up a sign reading "Bowzer for President"] Boo! Bring on Sha Na Na!
- Mona: Whoa, mellow out, Abe. Little Homer's trying to groove!
- [Abe turns around and sees young Homer dancing naked in the mud, playing air guitar and singing to Hendrix's guitar licks.]
- Grampa: [grabbing Homer by the arm] Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on, and then pull' em down! 'Cause it's time for a spanking!
- Munchie: Whoa! Get a load of Captain Bringdown!
- Seth: Yeah, whoa!
- Homer: [protesting as Grampa leads him away] But I wanna play in the mud and be a hippie!
- Grampa: Never! What you need's a good long hitch in Vietnam! There must be a enlistment tent around here somewhere.
- [Back to the present, and back to the topic of Homer's mom. Seth and Munchie remember Mona.]
- Seth: You know, Homer, your mom was a pretty groovy chick.
- Munchie: And a demon in the sack! [They both chuckle.]
- Grampa: Oh, you heard about that, eh? [He laughs.]
- [Seth and Munchie go silent for a moment, glance at each other, and then laugh along with Grampa.]
- [Having embraced the hippie liefstyle, Homer tries to get Marge to go along with him.]
- Homer: Marge, you've got too many hang-ups. Like, the whole shaving trip. Come on, I want to see those legs all furry and gross!
- Marge: That ain't gonna happen, bub.
- Homer: Well, at least lose the bra. Free the Springfield Two, Marge! Free the Springfield Two!
- Marge: [grumbles] I think you've had too much strawberry wine.
- [While cleaning house, Marge notices an empty space where the couch is supposed to be. Then she hears a scream coming from outside. Investigating, she goes outside and sees that Maude Flanders is screaming at the sight of Homer lying naked on the couch, playing with his Frisbee.]
- Maude: [still screaming] Help! Oh, I've never seen anything like— [covers eyes] My eyes have been soiled!
- Homer: [standing up facing Maude] Come on, Maude, the human wang is a beautiful thing!
- [At Groovy Grove, Homer tries to get Seth and Munchie to go along with him to freak people out.]
- Seth: Yeah, an old-time freak-out sounds tempting, Homer, but [sighing] we've got a big order to fill.
- Homer: [sarcastically] Fine. I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.
- Munchie: I suppose we could duck out for a couple of hours.
- Seth: Hey, we'll call it a business trip and write off the mileage!
- Homer: Now your freak flag's flyin'! Let the freak-out begin!
- [The freak-out trio drive through Downtown Springfield. With the sunroof open, Munchie stands up in the car and blows soap bubbles in the street. Homer dons a jester's hat to take his turn.]
- Homer: Have no fear, the Cosmic Fool is here! To blow the lid off your conformist button-down world!
- Krusty the Clown: [derisively, as he rides a unicycle being pulled by a monkey on roller skates] Weirdoes!
- [The trio pull up next to Marge and stop.]
- Homer: Hi, Marge. We're freaking out squares.
- Marge: [annoyed and embarassed] Oh, Lord ...
- Homer: What's in your brand-new bag, Momma?
- Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?
- Homer: [dismayed] Marge, not in front of the hippies!
- [Behind Homer, Seth and Munchie chuckle.]
- [The freak-out moves on to Springfield Elementary School, where the trio arrive at lunchtime, playing "The Star-Spangled Banner" on kazoos.]
- Homer: [bursting into the cafeteria] Hear ye, hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!
- [The children cheer and quickly run out of the cafeteria, followed by the freak-out trio, leaving Principal Skinner standing in the cafeteria all by himself.]
- Skinner: Fifteen years of loyal service, and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation?
- [The trio return from the freak-out to find that Homer's Frisbee has ruined a whole batch of juice. Homer resolves to make things right by re-making the batch at night while Seth and Munchie sleep. His task accomplished, Homer greets them first thing the next morning.]
- Homer: [to Munchie] Good morning, Starshine! [to Seth] Seth.
- [Seth and Munchie notice the empty field and gasp.]
- Munchie: What's going on?
- Seth: What happened to our crops?
- Homer: I picked 'em, juiced 'em, and delivered 'em to every store in town. Your business is saved!
- Munchie: But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order!
- Homer: That's what I thought at first. But then I found the other garden behind the barn! The one with the camouflage netting.
- Munchie: Uh-oh.
- Seth: Homer ... those were our personal vegetables.
- Homer: Well, now the whole town can benefit from their nutrients.
- [Stopped in traffic, Ned Flanders drinks the juice in his car, and is shocked at his hallucinations.]
- Flanders: Huh?
- [Two teddy bears and a skeleton cross the road and laugh.]
- Skeleton: Mornin', Ned!
- [Next, marching hammers cross the road, and one looks at Ned, showing that it has the Rolling Stones' "Lips & Tongue."]
- Hammer Lips: Pucker up, Ned!
- [The Hammer comes closer to Ned and attempts to kiss him. Ned screams.]
- [The juice freaks people out all over town, including at the police station. Chief Wiggum notices Lou spinning in a chair, laughing and holding a bottle of juice.]
- Wiggum: Lou. Lou! Are you all right?
- Lou: The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana.
- Wiggum: I ... see.
- [Wiggum grabs the bottle from Lou, dips a fingertip into the juice, and has a taste.]
- Wiggum: My God, it's nothing but carrots and peyote!
- Eddie: Damn longhairs never learn, Chief.
- Wiggum: It's time for a good old-fashioned hippie ass-whomping!
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