See Homer Run/Quotes
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- (Quimby is hijacking a plane)
- Quimby: (pointing with a gun to the pilot) "Take this plane wherever girls are going wild!"
- Aide: "Mayor Quimby, your twelve years as mayor have been corrupt and full of scandals."
- Quimby: "Who are you?"
- Aide: "I'm your chief of staff."
- Quimby: "I knew I should have put my nephew in that position."
- Aide: "I am your nephew."
- Quimby: "Dear God, every wacko, nutcase and Disco Stu in this town is gonna run against me."
- Kent Brockman: "Hundreds of Springfielders are running for mayor, including yours truly Kent Brockman. Coming up, a common household fabric could kill you! Find out when you vote for Kent Brockman."
- Lisa: "How is your tail doing that?"
- Homer: "I don't know."
- Kearney: "Way to give into peer pressure!"
- Dolph: "Hey, Milhouse! Cool kids ride bikes with their eyes closed!"
- Milhouse: (off camera) "I'm cool!" (he is heard him biking, as well as the inevitable results involving a train)
- Dolph: "Uh, I'm late for Hebrew school."
- (At the debate forum)
- Kent Brockman: "Now, our first question is to Eleanor Abernathy, also known as the "Crazy Cat Lady". If you were mayor, what would be your primary concern?"
- Eleanor: (unintelligible staggering) "Small business incentives!" (unintelligible staggering) "Corporate accountability!" (unintelligible staggering) "Cats in everyone's pants!"
- Homer: "I will run for mayor!"
- Lisa: "And I will be your campaign manager!"
- Homer: "And I will find out what a mayor does!" (Pulls out a bottle of beer) "Expand my brain, learning juice."
- Kent Brockman: "Homer, what about these allegations about you strangling your son?" (Holds up a photo of Homer strangling Bart in front of a banner that says "Good luck at the press conference, Dad!")
- Homer: "Why should this election be determined by a photo taken hours ago?"
- Rainier Wolfcastle: "Who else should be mayor but me! A steroid-abusing, pot-smoking, women groping, son of a Nazi, washed-up movie star! (crowd cheers) I think we should keep an open mind toward stem-cell research." (crowd boos)
- Miss Springfield: "Imagine me! The mayor! Then no one will laugh at my singing!" (High pitched and very terrible singing voice) "I'm proud to be an American..."
- Skinner: "I hold in my hand a sticker with a frowning face. Don't make me affix it to your file."
- Lisa: (mocking him) "Don't make me affix it to your file!"
- Skinner: (Lisa hits him with a dodge ball) "I'm peeling off the back." (with a shoe) "Don't make me do this!" (with her saxophone) "You leave me no choice." (He puts the sticker on Lisa's file. The lights begin flickering overhead) "Willie, rats are gnawing at the wires again."
- Willie: "Shut up, man! I'm making me ramen noodles!"
- Bart: "Check it out, I stole the sign!"
- Dolph: "Check it out, we stole The Scream!"
- Kearney: "Put that away! It creeps me out!"
- (Cletus drives his car with Brandine)
- Brandine: "Cletus, turn left on Bart Boulevard!"
- Cletus: "I told ya, there t'ain't [sic] no "Bart Boulevard"!"
- Brandine: "Too late. Baby's already out. Get your huntin' knife and cut the umbrellica cord." (Holds up his baby, still attached to the umbilical cord)
- Homer: "To open another present now would be like following the London Philharmonic with Jessica Simpson."
- (Moe is pasting his own face onto pictures of Marge and Homer's wedding)
- Moe (to the tune of 'Here Comes The Bride') "Here comes the Moe / with a pretty girl / 'cause these are things that happened in real life."
- Barney "Hey, Moe, can we get a beer?"
- Moe: "Shut up and hand me more Moe heads."
