See Homer Run/Quotes
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- Lisa: Dad, there's no such thing as "Father's Day Eve."
- Homer: No Father's Day Eve... does this mean there's no such thing as... Daddy Claus?
- Lisa: [sighs] Fine, there's a Daddy Claus.
- Homer: Is there a Super Bowl Bunny?
- Lisa: Sure, why not.
- Homer: I still don't understand how her feelings can be hurt. It's my day.
- Marge: She's not going to get over this quickly—I know women.
- Homer: Yeah, but I know how to win women back. I even won you back after I lost our wedding album in a bar bet.
- Marge: [shocked] You what?!
- Jimbo Jones: Hey Simpson, are you gonna steal the sign?
- Dolph Shapiro: Yeah, if a sign's got your name on it you can take it, and the cops can't do nothin' about it.
- Kearney Zzyzwicz: It's like the Sixth Amendment or something.
- Homer: I'm sorry I made you feel bad, honey. But I'm gonna show you just how much I care about your feelings. [to ticket Raphael] One adult and one baby, please.
- Lisa: I'm not a baby! A baby is zero to two.
- Homer: Her first words! [whisper to Lisa] Play along.
- Principal Skinner: Willie, we've got rats chewing through the wiring again!
- Groundskeeper Willie: Leave me alone! I'm makin' me Ramen noodles!
- Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I'm afraid we have a real problem with Lisa. Your daughter broke a window, upended an ashcan, and hurled a Thermos-brand thermos onto the street!
- Homer: [upset] >Does it still keep hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold?
- Principal Skinner: I'm afraid it doesn't keep any drinks anything.
- Homer: [huge gasp]
- J. Loren Pryor: I'm afraid Lisa's rage stems from extraordinary disillusionment with a parental figure. In this case, her father.
- Homer: Oh yeah, oh sure, it's easy to point out my faults. It's a little harder to shut up.
- Homer: What happened to the last Safety Salamander?
- Principal Skinner: Uh... he fell asleep in the suit and suffocated.
- Homer: [excited] I can do that!
- Homer: Look, Lisa. I made safety happen!
- Homer: So, sweetie, am I your hero again?
- Lisa: Janey's father just takes her to the zoo once a month. Couldn't you be that kind of dad?
- Homer: Now honey, you know Daddy's not allowed in the zoo anymore.
- Freddy Quimby: Mr. Mayor, your administration has been one fiasco after another!
- Mayor Quimby: Who the hell are you?
- Freddy Quimby: Your Press Secretary!
- Mayor Quimby: I knew I shoulda hired my nephew.
- Freddy Quimby: I am your nephew!
- Kent Brockman: Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby has survived twelve reelection campaigns, countless accusations of infidelity, bribery, extortion, and his bizarre attempt to hijack a seven forty-seven.
- [on airplane]
- Mayor Quimby: Take this plane anywhere girls are going wild.
- Lenny Leonard: Uh, what special powers would a salamander bring to the office of mayor?
- Homer: Well, there's my X-ray vision, my fire breath... and I can get big laughs with tennis balls.
- Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, what about those photos of you strangling your child?
- Homer: Why should we let this election be influenced by a photo taken hours ago?
- Kent Brockman: Our exit polls show no candidate attained the five per cent necessary to win, and Mayor Joe Quimby will keep his job, which I didn't want anyway. Your loss, jackasses.
