Difference between revisions of "Brake My Wife, Please/Quotes"

Latest revision as of 09:07, February 24, 2022

Springfield Aquarium tour guide: Well, it looks like Mr. Walrus and his family are enjoying their Sunday brunch. [the crowd laughs] Shut up! What am I, some sort of joke to you people? Now, over here is our newest exhibit "The Wonders of the Gulf Coast".

Kids: Ooooh!

Tour guide: Shut up! It's not that exciting.

Homer: Barney, you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees?

Barney: Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.

Homer: [intrigued] Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black power salute.

[Homer sees Carl, Lou, Dr. Hibbert and Drederick Tatum driving next to him.]

Homer: Black power! Black power!

Carl: Was that Al Roker?

Tatum: His exuberance is perplexing.

Homer: I am so screwed. I can't drive to work, I can't drive to the store, and I certainly can't drive to the store at work.

Marge: [sighs] I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does—picks up the slack.

Homer: That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville.

Marge: Why can't you use the local dry cleaner?

Homer: [ashamed] I didn't want them to know my size.

Homer: Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge.

Lenny: Can we stop for ice cream?

Carl: Homer always stops for ice cream.

Marge: We'll see.

Lenny: That always means no.

Homer: Where is your mother? I've gotta get to Moe's.

Lisa: Dad, mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation?

Homer: Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. I guess I'll walk.

Homer: I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house.

[The rest of the family is seen outside the house just down the road.]

Bart: Way to go, Dad!

Homer: You know, I feel pretty good. Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar.

Moe: Get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening.

Homer: No. From now on, walking is my beer. And feeling good is my hangover.

Homer: Calm down, Stresserella!

Marge: I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur!

Homer: Now now, honey. We all appreciate what you do. But real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission.

Marge: To hell with the Livery Commission!

Homer: Marge, you don't know what you're saying!

Homer: Psst. Bishop to queen four.

Old Jewish man: We're playing dominoes.

Homer: [menacingly] I said, "Bishop to queen four."

Old Jewish man: All right, all right.

Marge: How could you both miss the bus to school?

Bart: We touched hands and then we had to wash the cooties off.

Marge: I am so sorry, Homie. How is your crushed pelvis?

Homer: Pretty good. Thanks for asking.

Marge: I don't know what happened. I saw you and I went for the brake but I hit the accelerator!

Homer: It's okay, Marge. It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch.

Homer: Marge, you're trying to hurt me!

Marge: What? That's crazy.

Homer: No, it's true. The car, the soup... It's like you hate me... your own husband...

Marge: That's ridiculous. I don't like you. [correcting herself] I mean hate you, hate you, hate you! I hate you!

Homer: [sadly] I've heard that from co-workers, strangers on the street, even my own children... but I never thought I'd hear it from you.

Dr. Brentano: All right, before you came in, I asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you. Homer, you first.

Homer: There's Homer... Homer J. Simpson... and Commander Cool, aka me.

Marge: That's us in a nutshell. I care so much about you, Homer, but I'm not even on your list. Excuse me.

Homer: We've gotta help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy Moe is very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe. What should I do, Dr. Hot Dog?

Marge: Lousy Homer... I'll show him... tonight his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples.

Homer: Tonight, we're here to serve you. Sit back and enjoy the finest foods Springfield has to offer.

Captain McCallister: I brought you me finest catch of the day. We lost a dozen good men. But it's worth it just to see you smile.

Marge: Oooh!

Captain McCallister: [disappointed by her reaction] That's it, eh? [sighs] Twelve men. Well, I've got some families to inform. Unbelievable.

Marge: What?

Captain McCallister: Nothing. Just a curse on your very soul