Difference between revisions of "Brake My Wife, Please/Quotes"
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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Old Yeller-Belly|The Bart of War}} | {{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Old Yeller-Belly|The Bart of War}} | ||
| − | {{ | + | {{qf|[[Springfield Aquarium tour guide]]}} Well, it looks like Mr. Walrus and his family are enjoying their Sunday brunch. ''[the crowd laughs]'' Shut up! What am I, some sort of joke to you people? Now, over here is our newest exhibit "The Wonders of the Gulf Coast". |
| − | + | {{qf|Kids}} Ooooh! | |
| − | :'''[[Marge]]''': " | + | {{qf|Tour guide}} Shut up! It's not that exciting. |
| − | + | ---- | |
| + | {{qf|[[Homer]]}} Barney, you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Barney]]}} Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[intrigued]'' Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black power salute. | ||
| + | :''[Homer sees Carl, [[Lou]], [[Dr. Hibbert]] and Drederick Tatum driving next to him.]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Black power! Black power! | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Carl]]}} Was that {{Ch|Al Roker}}? | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Drederick Tatum|Tatum]]}} His exuberance is perplexing. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} I am so screwed. I can't drive to work, I can't drive to the store, and I certainly can't drive to the store at work. | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Marge]]}} ''[sighs]'' I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does—picks up the slack. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in [[Shelbyville]]. | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} Why can't you use the local dry cleaner? | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[ashamed]'' I didn't want them to know my size. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge. | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Lenny]]}} Can we stop for ice cream? | ||
| + | {{qf|Carl}} Homer always stops for ice cream. | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} We'll see. | ||
| + | {{qf|Lenny}} That always means no. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Where is your mother? I've gotta get to Moe's. | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Lisa]]}} Dad, mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation? | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. I guess I'll walk. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house. | ||
| + | :''[The rest of the family is seen outside the house just down the road.]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Bart]]}} Way to go, Dad! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} You know, I feel pretty good. Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar. | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Moe]]}} Get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} No. From now on, walking is my beer. And feeling good is my hangover. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Calm down, Stresserella! | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Now now, honey. We all appreciate what you do. But real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission. | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} To hell with the Livery Commission! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Marge, you don't know what you're saying! | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Psst. Bishop to queen four. | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Old Jewish man]]}} We're playing dominoes. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[menacingly]'' I said, "Bishop to queen four." | ||
| + | {{qf|Old Jewish man}} All right, all right. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} How could you both miss the bus to school? | ||
| + | {{qf|Bart}} We touched hands and then we had to wash the cooties off. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} I am so sorry, Homie. How is your crushed pelvis? | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Pretty good. Thanks for asking. | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} I don't know what happened. I saw you and I went for the brake but I hit the accelerator! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} It's okay, Marge. It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Marge, you're trying to hurt me! | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} What? That's crazy. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} No, it's true. The car, the soup... It's like you hate me... your own husband... | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} That's ridiculous. I don't like you. ''[correcting herself]'' I mean hate you, hate you, hate you! I hate you! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[sadly]'' I've heard that from co-workers, strangers on the street, even my own children... but I never thought I'd hear it from you. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Dr. Brentano]]}} All right, before you came in, I asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you. Homer, you first. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} There's Homer... Homer J. Simpson... and Commander Cool, aka me. | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} That's us in a nutshell. I care so much about you, Homer, but I'm not even on your list. Excuse me. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} We've gotta help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy Moe is very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe. What should I do, Dr. Hot Dog? | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} Lousy Homer... I'll show him... tonight his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Tonight, we're here to serve you. Sit back and enjoy the finest foods Springfield has to offer. | ||
| + | {{qf|[[Captain McCallister]]}} I brought you me finest catch of the day. We lost a dozen good men. But it's worth it just to see you smile. | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} Oooh! | ||
| + | {{qf|Captain McCallister}} ''[disappointed by her reaction]'' That's it, eh? ''[sighs]'' Twelve men. Well, I've got some families to inform. Unbelievable. | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} What? | ||
| + | {{qf|Captain McCallister}} Nothing. Just a curse on your very soul | ||
{{Season 14|Q}} | {{Season 14|Q}} | ||
Latest revision as of 09:07, February 24, 2022
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- Springfield Aquarium tour guide: Well, it looks like Mr. Walrus and his family are enjoying their Sunday brunch. [the crowd laughs] Shut up! What am I, some sort of joke to you people? Now, over here is our newest exhibit "The Wonders of the Gulf Coast".
- Kids: Ooooh!
- Tour guide: Shut up! It's not that exciting.
- Homer: Barney, you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees?
- Barney: Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.
- Homer: [intrigued] Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black power salute.
- [Homer sees Carl, Lou, Dr. Hibbert and Drederick Tatum driving next to him.]
- Homer: Black power! Black power!
- Carl: Was that Al Roker?
- Tatum: His exuberance is perplexing.
- Homer: I am so screwed. I can't drive to work, I can't drive to the store, and I certainly can't drive to the store at work.
- Marge: [sighs] I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does—picks up the slack.
- Homer: That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville.
- Marge: Why can't you use the local dry cleaner?
- Homer: [ashamed] I didn't want them to know my size.
- Homer: Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge.
- Lenny: Can we stop for ice cream?
- Carl: Homer always stops for ice cream.
- Marge: We'll see.
- Lenny: That always means no.
- Homer: Where is your mother? I've gotta get to Moe's.
- Lisa: Dad, mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation?
- Homer: Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. I guess I'll walk.
- Homer: I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house.
- [The rest of the family is seen outside the house just down the road.]
- Bart: Way to go, Dad!
- Homer: You know, I feel pretty good. Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar.
- Moe: Get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening.
- Homer: No. From now on, walking is my beer. And feeling good is my hangover.
- Homer: Calm down, Stresserella!
- Marge: I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur!
- Homer: Now now, honey. We all appreciate what you do. But real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission.
- Marge: To hell with the Livery Commission!
- Homer: Marge, you don't know what you're saying!
- Homer: Psst. Bishop to queen four.
- Old Jewish man: We're playing dominoes.
- Homer: [menacingly] I said, "Bishop to queen four."
- Old Jewish man: All right, all right.
- Marge: How could you both miss the bus to school?
- Bart: We touched hands and then we had to wash the cooties off.
- Marge: I am so sorry, Homie. How is your crushed pelvis?
- Homer: Pretty good. Thanks for asking.
- Marge: I don't know what happened. I saw you and I went for the brake but I hit the accelerator!
- Homer: It's okay, Marge. It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch.
- Homer: Marge, you're trying to hurt me!
- Marge: What? That's crazy.
- Homer: No, it's true. The car, the soup... It's like you hate me... your own husband...
- Marge: That's ridiculous. I don't like you. [correcting herself] I mean hate you, hate you, hate you! I hate you!
- Homer: [sadly] I've heard that from co-workers, strangers on the street, even my own children... but I never thought I'd hear it from you.
- Dr. Brentano: All right, before you came in, I asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you. Homer, you first.
- Homer: There's Homer... Homer J. Simpson... and Commander Cool, aka me.
- Marge: That's us in a nutshell. I care so much about you, Homer, but I'm not even on your list. Excuse me.
- Homer: We've gotta help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy Moe is very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe. What should I do, Dr. Hot Dog?
- Marge: Lousy Homer... I'll show him... tonight his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples.
- Homer: Tonight, we're here to serve you. Sit back and enjoy the finest foods Springfield has to offer.
- Captain McCallister: I brought you me finest catch of the day. We lost a dozen good men. But it's worth it just to see you smile.
- Marge: Oooh!
- Captain McCallister: [disappointed by her reaction] That's it, eh? [sighs] Twelve men. Well, I've got some families to inform. Unbelievable.
- Marge: What?
- Captain McCallister: Nothing. Just a curse on your very soul
