Homer: [in anticipation] "Mmmm ... chocolate!"
[Homer opens the container and the chocolate ice cream is all gone. The strawberry and vanilla, however, are completely untouched.]
Homer: "D'oh! [tries another container] Mmmm...chocolate! [same results] D'oh!"
[Homer checks the rest of the containers and they're all the same: Chocolate all gone and strawberry and vanilla untouched.]
Homer: [hollering] "Marge! We need some more vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream!"
Bart: [on radio] "People of Earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. We have captured your President. He was delicious!"
[Homer screams, runs out of the kitchen, and fetches a shotgun.]
Bart: [on radio] "Rod! Todd! This is God!"
Rod: "How did you get on the radio?"
Bart: "Whaddya mean, 'How did I get on the radio?' I created the universe! Stupid kid."
[Rod and Todd quickly fall to their kness and clasp their hands.]
Todd: "Forgive my brother, we believe you!"
Bart: "Talk is cheap. Here is a test of your faith. Walk through the wall; I will remove it for you!"
[Rod makes the attempt and walks into the wall.]
Bart: "Later." [laughs]
Todd: "What do you want from us?"
Bart: "I got a job for you. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch."
Rod: "But those cookies belong to our parents!"
Bart: [grumbles] "Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?"
Todd: [quickly] "Happy God!"
Bart: "Then quit flapping your lip and make with the cookies!"
Rod and Todd: "Yes, sir!"
Willie: [cutting several cars off] "Outta my way! Look out, ya horse’s ass!"
Krusty: "I called my good friend Sting. He said, 'Krusty, when do you need me?' I said, 'Thursday.' He said, 'I'm busy Thursday.' I said, 'What about Friday?' He said, 'Friday's worse than Thursday.' Then he said, 'How about Saturday?' I said, 'Fine.' True story!"
Bart: "Look, I'll level with you. There is no Timmy O'Toole. It was just a prank I was playing on everybody."
Lou: "Well you sure fooled us, kid."
Eddie: "Hey, I've got an idea for a prank. Let’s go home and go to sleep."
[They laugh and walk away, leaving Bart in the well.]
Kent: "The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents."
Homer: "It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!"
Marge: [indignantly] "Homer!!!"
Homer: "Uh ... Could you edit that last part out?"
Kent: "Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast!"
Apu: "The canary!"
Willie: "Gas!!" "Out of the hole!"
[Everyone runs out of the well in panic. Dr. Hibbert performs a quick autopsy on the dead canary.]
Dr. Hibbert: "Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes."
Willie: "Back in the hole!"
Marge: "Sting, you look tired. Maybe you should take a rest."
Sting: "Not while one of my fans needs me."
Marge: "Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play one of your albums."
Homer: [shushing Marge] "Sssshhhh!! Marge, he's a good digger!"
Lisa: "Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present?"
Homer: "Here you go."
Lisa: [counts the money] "Dad, this is $110!"
Homer: "Oh, sorry." [gives her his wallet]
Falcon Man: "Grasping the child firmly in his talons, Socrates here will fly him to safety! Just watch. [The falcon is released and flies away.] I don't think he's coming back."
Chief Wiggum: "I'm afraid we've got a budget problem, Marge. Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he had done it at the beginning of the fiscal year, no problemo."
Lisa: "What makes him a hero, Dad?"
Homer: "Well, he fell down the well and ... can't get out."
Lisa: "How does that make him a hero?"
Homer: "Well, it's more than you did!"
Bart: [at the barber shop, getting a shave] "Digital audio tape, my butt! When I was a kid, we had compact disks, and I don't recall no one complaining."
Barber: "Damn right."
Homer: "Don't worry, son. Just 'cuz you're trapped in a hole doesn't mean you can't live a rich and full life."