The Wandering Juvie/Quotes
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< The Wandering Juvie
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- Saleswoman: This is our Li'l Hooker line. All the girls your age are wearing it... except the freakishly unpopular.
- Lisa: But I'm eight years old!
- Saleswoman: So is your look.
- Seymour Skinner: Edna, we don't need wedding china. The dishes mother won on Let's Make a Deal are holding up nicely.
- Edna Krabappel: Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us.
- Skinner: And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water and two-sided sponges?
- Ms. Krabappel: [speechless] Hmph. [she storms off]
- Skinner: Silent anger; the cornerstone of a successful marriage.
- Milhouse: A fake wedding? That's what I call chutzpah.
- Bart: Yeah, I'm gonna scam this town out of so many presents. And, what I don't use, I'm gonna return... for store credit.
- Bart and Milhouse: Store credit! Store credit! Store credit!
- Mr. Burns: Another employee family wedding. What's the traditional peasant gift, a milking cow?
- Waylon Smithers: Actually, silverware is all that's left on the registry.
- Burns: Oh, see if Lenny wants to go in on a spoon.
- Joe Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
- Mayor Quimby's niece: I am your niece, Uncle Joe.
- Quimby: Good lord, I'm an abomination!
- Clancy Wiggum: So, you thought you'd pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest!
- Bart: C'mon, chief, it was just a prank. Would flatware make things right?
- Wiggum: Um. What does it say on my badge? Cash bribes only. Let's go.
- Judge Constance Harm: Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering. Just look at this file. [she holds up a normal sized folder]
- Marge: That doesn't look so big.
- Judge Harm: Those are the directions to the facility where Bart's criminal record occupies three full storage lockers.
- Marge: Six feet by eight?
- Judge Harm: Six by fourteen!
- Bart: Judge?! Please, judge, you can't... I... I'll do anything! I'll squeal on my dad. He's been up to bad things. Crap you've never even thought of.
- Clancy Wiggum: We've already got an informer working deep undercover on your dad. One he'll never suspect.
- Homer: Is it Lenny?
- Wiggum: Dammit! I mean... uh, no. No.
- [Lenny stands up, tears off a wire from his chest and walks off]
- Ralph Wiggum: [to Marge while she's crying] Your eyes need diapers.
- Marge: [sobbing] My boy is in jail! I'm the worst mom in the world!
- Homer: It's not all your fault. All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing. So, in a way, I too, am victim... of you.
- The Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
- Homer: I believe that children are the future... unless we stop them now. [Homer hits his fist into his hand]
- Warden: Welcome aboard! [the warden holds up a nightstick] This end's for beating, this end's for holding. [gives it to Homer]
- Homer: Uh-huh, when does training start?
- Warden: It just finished.
- Homer: Here you are, son. I brought you a lollipop from the guards' lounge.
- Bart: [sticks his tongue out at the tormentors] Not so tough now, huh?
- [a buzzer sounds]
- Homer: Well, that's the end of my shift. See you Monday. Oh, wait. Monday's Martin Luther King Day. I'll see ya when I see ya. [Homer kisses Bart's forehead and tussles his hair] Love you.
- [Homer leaves and the other inmates advance on Bart]
- Bart: Uh, this lollipop's really for everyone.
